I Take it Back

Dear You,

I take it all back. I take back all of the words, non-verbal queues, indifference and allowances that I have given to you that gave you the power to be cuss me, yell at me (with words or actions), disrespect me, hurt me, and make me feel small and bad about myself. Whether  it started from birth or our first meeting, I have unintentionally let you know that it's okay to bully me and cause me to feel less than what God made me to be.

I am a good person. I am kind, I am giving, I am generous, I am compassionate, I am loyal, I allow others to be who they are and try very hard not judge. When I give, it's never enough...when I can't... its never forgotten. You don't remember what I do, you only persecute me for the things I can't or don't do.  When you are upset with others you take it out on me.

Right now, I take back the power I have allowed you to have over me. It is no longer okay for you to be unkind to me. You no longer have my permission to be disrespectful to me, to judge me, to take your fears and frustrations or anger out on me. You cannot hurt me any more with your coldness or your glares. I don't deserve it and I'm not putting up with it for one more day.

I choose to be happy. I choose to be grateful for you in my life. I choose to love you without any conditions whatsoever. I choose to respect you and do any thing I can to add to your life in a positive way . I choose today to let my wounded ego and hurt feeling go, and stand up against your unsolicited hatefulness.

You are a wonderful person, you have a been given a life that has been blessed in so many ways. So much so, that some people will never, ever have the life that God blessed you with.  Yet, you are miserable in it and choose to persecute others in the effort to relieve your frustration. I will not be the point of your relief any more. As much as I love you with my heart and soul. ...I won't  allow you to blame me for your misery.

Peace.

Word to Go By for 2015

I have looked in vain to find the words to live by in this new year - words that symbolize the renewed commitment to myself, my family, my friends...my life. Words that will remind me daily that this world is fleeting and I need to hang on to each and every second until it passes - to capture the sweetness and the bitterness and know that each give me a balance of knowledge and wisdom into the life-lessons I am here to learn.

As I looked up from my desk I saw just what I needed - it has been here along, taped to my wall:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

~ Mother Teresa


Peace

Christmas is Over

After a couple of days of horrible bronchitis and a sinus infection, body aches, and a headache - an urgent care visit, shot in the rump and a z-pack...I felt so much better yesterday that I actually took down my Christmas tree and decorations. I am one of those people who would keep a tree up all year round just because I love to turn on the Christmas tree lights and see the glow on the ornaments; there is just something so comforting in that sight.

Each year I long to decorate my tree is a fancy way like the trees in Southern Living magazine...but as I pull out each ornament that the kids made as kids, or that I hand-picked to represent each year
together, I can't bring myself to change a thing.

Christmas reminds me of home...of Royal Avenue...of the excitement of those family times together. Mom and Dad would dress up in their ridiculous Christmas garb and everyone would gather around the tree and love every second. This year I put up a tree for my parents (White with red Christmas balls)....it made me happy.

With everything that resembles Christmas packed neatly back in a tote and stored in the garage, I can't help but look forward to hanging my ornaments and putting up my special decorations in December.

Peace

If I Could Rename My Blog...

 If I could rename my blog, I don't think I would.

If I look back over the five years I have blogged, I think I have inhaled and exhaled over one thing or another. My blog began with the death of my parents - I found my self stuck in 'inhale-mode' because I just couldn't breath.

Then, Rich deployed. I hadn't even started to exhale from that shock before I had to inhale more. I just could find the energy or will to exhale. Exhaling meant closure and that my life was still going.

During those first couple of years my life stopped and I just couldn't move forward. I was not the same and the air around me was choking each breath I tried to muster. At some point I started to slowly exhale....little breaths at a time....until I could inhale and exhale for seconds, even minutes, at a time.

When I feel like I am holding my breath through a situation, I come back to my blog for air, strength and my voice.

Inhale....exhale.....inhale.....exhale.


Peace

If I Could..

As I write this, I am sitting in the waiting...and waiting....and waiting room of the urgent care. I have self-diagnosed myself with the flu and am waiting to see the doctor to confirm my findings.

Aside from waiting I find myself observing those around. One older lady and her daughter stand out more than anyone. The mother is probably in her early 70's, clocking her daughter in her late 40s or early 50s. Through filling out her intact paperwork, the mother talks a lot and has several valid and ridiculous questions. The daughter is clearly frustrated and annoyed with her mother. When she pulls herself away from her cell phone long enough to respond to her mother...she is unkind and even bratty. I want to yell at her to be kinder to her mother. To answer her crazy questions, calm whatever anxiety her mother has. Once her mother is gone she will long for these moments....just one more annoying moment!
Her mother obviously just wants to talk, to have a conversation with her bratty daughter. You can see the disappointment in the mother's eye and her daughter doesn't give a loving inch.

I want to shake the daughter...hard.

Peace.

A New Year - 2015

Can you believe that it is now 2015? Where did the last 365 days go? In hindsight, 2014 was a relatively smooth year. Sure, it had it's moments and challenges, but all in all, no complaints here.

I have seen many resolutions floating about on Facebook and internet. I haven't made any...and I have no intentions of setting myself up for potential failure. There will be no promises of exercising, losing weight....or any of the the 'typical' resolutions.

Instead, I have big goals that will take many little goals to make happen:

1. To come off of one heart medicine
2. To come off of my anti-depressant

Both will take a great deal of research, study and action to achieve; I believe in myself and believe that I can be successful.

Being a person who needs to document and follow direction, I bought a planner today so I can start making appointments with myself to work on my health goals. If I break down each one into to obtainable, small steps, maybe, just maybe, I can start 2016 without those meds!

Okay - Alabama and Ohio are playing...so I gotta go!

Oh, I also plan to start vlogging in this year!

Peace!