It was 6 years ago today that my mother died. Being motherless is a feeling that is so difficult to even describe. There is an emptiness and hollowness inside that will never be fill by another living soul. Ever. She was my first love, my first kiss, my first breath, my first everything..... for 43 years. Then she was gone. Just....gone. She will always be gone.
Though I no longer wallow in the grief and loss on a regular basis, I miss her more every single day.
Forever.
Peace
In just a few days 2015 will be a speck in the review mirror of my life. Gone will be the long days and even longer nights alone because of deployment. A new year will begin with more days and nights to go, but they are fewer than the ones I will leave behind.
As I look forward to a new year, a new beginning to get it right, and a new start - a chance to begin again - I hope that I will take the clean slate and fill it with so much love, joy, friendship, adventure, and tradition. I want to finally learn to sew, design "my room", finish that book I started 29 years ago long before technology, on an old typewriter. I want to spend long nights and weekends with my family, fish the lake with my husband, I want to learn something new and perfect something old. I want to capture more of the cherishable moments with my eyes and heart instead of behing the camera of my phone.
I want to travel with my love and hold hands endlessly. I want to take up a craft and throw intimate parties. I want to live more than I have in recent years. To laugh more and cry less. To blog, to vlog...to whatever. I long to remember the past but let go of the pain...to tell that story. To be there, here, more....and less....depending.
Soon the chapter of this year will end and I will flip the page to write the next one. I want to. I need to. My story is just beginning to get good again.
Peace
The past week or two have been trying, professionally and personally. I have faced head on, with the true feelings of some I loved and some I respected. In both unrelated situations I have given beyond the ability I wasn't sure I possessed. In both situations I was taken back by the results.
I'm a giver, rarely a takers. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to receive.
Peace
