This...is My Life

Evie: "Grandmama,I want you to ride on the giraffe." (The giraffe is a big stuffed giraffe that the kids hop n and scoot around the hardwood floors).
Me: "Ummmm, I think Grandmama's too big to do that. I may squish it"
Evie: "But I want you to quish it (she has an answer for EVERYTHING)
We bicker for a few seconds and then I hang my head in defeat.
I hop on the back of the giraffe and scoot myself around the kitchen. (oh, Lord...please don't do a visual on that)
Evie hops on my lap and I barely scoot us into the living room.
Me: "Evie, Whew, that's enough. If Grandmama keeps this up, Uncle Brandon will have to come and get me off the floor".
Evie (jumps up - runs to the bedroom to Uncle Brandon). "Uncle Brandon, you need to come get Grandmama.
Brandon: "Mom, you need me for real"?
Me: "No, I'm good"

And how is your night?

Valley of the Damned

There are times when I feel Damned if I don't and Damned if I do. This, my friends...is one of those times.

Peace

Out of My Closet

Noooooo...not that closet.

I have always had a love/hate relationship with my closet. It's nice...roomy...I have never had such a big walk-in closet in my life. And folks, this one ain't that big. I grew up without a closet until my dad built a little makeshift deal when I was in junior high school for my sister and I to share. This closet, well, I can walk in, twirl around without hitting too much as long as I don't stretch my arms out, and it was even roomy once for a quickie with my husband the day he came home from deployment and the house was full of people. Hey, it happens...don't judge.

So...back to my  closet. It is the place I go and sit when I feel overwhelmed, cry, when I want to be alone and when I want to pray. Then again, it has also been a place that has just pissed me off and hurt my feelings when I walk in and can't find anything to wear, nothing fits and its full of frumpy things that make me feel bad about myself. It's the place that reminds me that I've gained weight or have no style. I would spend soooo much time just standing staring through hot tears and lots of curses, at the same clothes and not a thing to wear.

Until......

Pinterest.

I took the challenge of purging my closet of anything that didn't fit, I didnt like, wouldn't wear and didn't match at least three other pieces of clothing. I decided on the number of clothing I would keep and purged the rest...like 6 dresses, 5 skirts....etc.
I downloaded a cool wardrobe app to my tablet and took pictures of everything I kept...including shoes and accessories. From there I started building outfits....it's amazing that I had so much that 'went together' that I never knew I had. I researched key clothing staples and purchased a few things to complete my own wardrobe closet....and BOOM!!

It is a hit, yall! When I'm not sure what I want to wear, I consult my app closet....or just pick something out of my real closet because I know that it all coordinates. The best part is that I feel amazing now when I walk in my closet and see that more than one half of my closet space is empty. I feel good when I get dressed and I no longer feel the anxiety I used to feel.

What a complete sense of freedom!

Peace

I Want to Go Home

With Rich gone and stuck between two homes, I have a difficult time putting my finger on where my home is now. My home was wherever my husband and children were. The kids all grew up and went their own ways and Rich...well, we know where is for the next few hundred days. Me? Where is home now? I feel the tug and pull and the hear the voice in my head telling me that I want to go home...where is that now? I live in a constant state of indifference with one foot in our primary house and the other in our future primary home. I look around this house and I see things that hold no value or meaning other than to take up the space. I long for the day when I can walk away from the 'big house' and close the door;  I will open it again when Rich gets home. I don't feel him here...I feel him at the Lake. Our bed is too big...too cold...too lonely. The rooms too empty, yet too full.

Home? I want to go there. A place to call my own and not everyone's. Where Rich and I will laugh together, love a lot and grow old together. Together. I want that home...back. I want to go home.

Peace

The Air Up Here...

The air up here in deploymentville is thick and full of memories. I miss him. I miss ever thing about him...his smell, his kiss, his touch, his foot when I stretch mine in the middle of the night...just to make sure he's still there. Yea, I miss that momentary touch. I miss his voice, his laugh, is face. I miss it all.

We are a mere 2 weeks down with forever to go. It's the promise of the last one...never again, that keeps me focused to get through the long days and lonely nights. A year from now this will be a blur, I know. Today it just seems so far away yet so very very real.

My life is full to the brim right no, but never full enough when he is away.

This deployment is different - I am different, than the last. I am stronger in ways that I didn't know I could be. I am confident that my decisions and plans are solid. I am not broken this time around. All of pieces have been put back together and sealed - but this time is different as I look through different eyes and a different heart. I don't fear the unknown...I've lived it. I don't fear the darkness...I faced it. I don't even fear the loneliness..for I am not alone. I just fear each day walking with him. It's not a scared fear...just an "it sure sucks" feeling.

So, onward we go.

Peace.

Dear Mr. Murphy

Dear Mr. Murphy,

As you and I have been well acquainted now for quite some time, most of my life, I feel that it is time to have serious dialogue about our unrequited relationship. I realize that you have your own fame and misfortune, and I am just a small population of those you visit often, but simply...enough is enough. We must stop meeting under the most rediculous circurcumstance.

Just recently, for example, as I had just begun my slow wallow into the deployment pool blues, you popped up to remind me that 'if anything can go wrong, it will'. Seriously, I am my Mother' child....I clearly knew that without a trip to the emergency room to remind me. Picture it...for a moment.... teary but being brave, I'm going out to hang an American flag by the mailbox (cause I'm patriotic like that).  One step too many and I find myself on the ground looking up at the evening sky, with an angry swelling ankle. Alone. In the dark. Oh, that was a good one Mr. Murphy!

Cough, cough, hack, cough. Flight out in the afternoon. Doctor, doctor....give me some news....Bronchitis.  What? Flight was cancelled do to an airline glitch. All within a couple of hours. Got me again Mr. Murphy!

While I do appreciate a good dose of humility and ironisism...with a tad bit of karma thrown in for good measure, I must insist that you do not come back and visit. We are over, Mr. Murphy. Good bye.

Peace