Did she know?

Today my (twin) sister and I drove the all too familiar 1 hour and ten minutes to our old hometown. We unloaded baby loot at my nieces house, took her to lunch (wonderful food), and went by "The House". It sits quietly on it's little hill on a busy road. The neighborhood has changed significantly over the years as families passed away or moved on. Now the surrounding homes are filled with renters, with not much pride in their living space. So "the house", as we've always called it,sits in probate-hell and is empty but for a few furniture pieces that my brother will get. Twin2 and I sack up some things for trash collection; she breaks the silence by pointing out that she's angry - me too - but who should we be angry with? I don't know. The whole thing just seems unfair, but in our hearts we know that it was the only way it could be.

"Do you think she knew"? Twin2 asked. I was looking at pictures taken Christmas Eve, the other day; there is a beautiful picture of Mom and Dad. I've looked at her eyes a thousand times it seems, looking for any sign that 'she knew' - I couldn't read anything other than her true love and happiness just to be in that one moment with my Dad. He'd made it to celebrate Christmas, (we'd all made it), their favorite time of year. Did she know that 5 days later she would die? Did she know that Dad would fade as soon as he knew and follow her in death 2 days later? We will never have those answers in this life - but the questions still linger.
Twin2 and I went to the cemetery to leave flowers for Easter. YES, we took a step ladder this time. (For those of you who may not know the significance of that, you'll need to pop down a few posts and read the "30 days... the countdown begins"). So Twin2 gets on the ladder to reach the flower vase and pulls it out of the holder. Unknowingly, it is full of rain water and she dumps it all over her head!!  I laughed so hard I thought I'd pee my pants! There she is, soaking wet and the solemn moment is broken. After we get in the car she said to me... I guess that's their way of telling me to lighten up! I think it was a message for both of us.

It's Day 16. Rich will be home next weekend for a little more than a week before MOB. Sometimes I wonder why I count that down... I'll only start counting again. Should I could the days of deployment in chronological order or reverse?

 I'm not sad but I sure wish Krispy Kreme delivered!  :o)

Nothin' like a shower!

Day 17.

Showers are WONDERFUL! The water kind and the kind that celebrate the start of a new life entering this World. Today my sister and I hosted a co-ed Baby Shower for my beautiful niece and her handsome guy as we all celebrate the upcoming birth of baby Charlotte! Now, anyone that knows me can attest that I am a worrier and figgiter (I KNOW it's not a word, but neither is TUMP, and I use that a lot!)... stay with me here....I panic over the details, the food, the presentation, the party environment.. making sure that everything flows, looks great, and is (most importantly) comfortable! By 10:00am this morning I was having chest pains (the shower started at noon at my house). I turned to my R.N. sister and said.. my chest doesn't feel good. I'm having severe chest pains..they come and go and hurt - A LOT. She rolled her eyes and told me I was fine, stop stressing and I was just feeling anxiety pains. Half a happy-pill and a hot shower later, my chest pains ceased and the party was in full swing by 12:05pm. The spread ... casual cookout-style) was awesome (not your typical church-lady group baby shower food), the games weren't lame, the house looked great, and my niece and her guy got great baby things!  Yeah!!

Oh, word to the wise - I did a cute little arrangement on a tiered dish of cotton candy! Looked wonderful for about 30 minutes. Then the sugar started 'melting' and it lost it's allure.  Still cute as a colored blob, though!

Missing my Soldier! He would've loved this day! Pook, if you're reading this, your gift brought lots of ooohhhs and ahhhhs.  See you in 1 week!!

Happy Saturday night!

Note To Self....

Day 18.

Note to Self: The next time you show up for lunch with a friend you haven't seen in over a year... please make sure you've brought your wallet!

(Oh, no you didn't?!?!)

I did!!  I had taken out my wallet at work to get a stamp ...laid it on my desk instead of putting it back in my purse. Lunch time rolls around, I arrive at Nukes for lunch... hug, hug...you look great... so do you...{reach in my purse for my wallet} Oh hell - it's laying every so peacefully on my desk!!! Uh... friend... can we run back to my office and let me grab my wallet?! My friend bought our lunch (Nukes makes THE BEST Pesto Chicken sandwich) and we went on to shove a year's worth of life in 45 minutes! With 2009 being an absolute blurr for me there was a great deal to chat about. The next lunch is on me.      :o)

Oh, speaking of stamps.... I was online on the US Postal Service website today. Boring, huh? But anywoo... DID YOU KNOW that you can buy customized stamps? Yep - just upload a picture and they will slap it on a stamp! Pricey ~ about double to cost ($18'ish for a sheet of 20) ~ but will sooo be worth it when I write to Rich when he is on his all expense-paid trip to the sandbox! Shhh... don't tell Rich - I want him to be surprised when his first mail call comes!

Happy Friday!!

"I hear the train a comin', its rolling round the bend...."

Day 20.

There's a train-wreck coming and I can only watch the collision happen. Powerlessly... helplessly.

Someone I love is on a path of self-destruction. The lines between right & wrong, good & bad, life & death have blurred and all reason is gone. This person has been saddled with a crap-load of responsibility that no one their age should have right now; and that the only way to make sense of it all is to make choices that make no sense at all. Rich and I have been on this track before, similar train, same conductor ~ the rail changed before impact. This time... the train is moving faster and on extreme terrain.

Rich is not home right now - focusing on pre-D training - but we had to talk about it. I hated to bring it up at 1:30am this morning when we Skyped. (I couldn't sleep and he had just finished for the day) - but it had to be discussed. Fortunately (or unfortunately), what I didn't know is that Rich already knew about the situation and had a couple of days on me to begin processing the information. In a few weeks Rich will be gone and I know that at some point the train will jump the track.. derail...this train ride is bigger than me - it's bigger that us. It's a heavy load for Rich to take with him down range ~ it's a heavy load to carry here at home without him.  Then again, if he was here, all we could do is watch from the platform together.

RIP Mr. W...

Day 22.

A friend of mine lost his father a couple of days ago - heart disease-related. I didn't know until I got home from work and looked through yesterday's newspaper. There it was - the obit for Mr. W.; visitation tonight. The interesting thing upon seeing the print is that I always come home from work and change clothes to something more slouchy and comfortable. Tonight I came in, ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and watched the news - all still dressed in a dress and heels. I just felt that I needed to attend the visitation; I know what my dear friend and his family are feeling. I worked with my friend (WW) for 6 years - we started at my former company 1 week apart.

Wondering if I was up for the task, I drove to the church. Entering the church I found other former co-workers and friends! It was like 'home' being around these wonderful friends! I miss them so much! We have a bond that I haven't felt with co-workers in my 'new' job of 2 years. After sharing my sympathy to WW, I began to feel the rush of grief building in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't move forward in the receiving line to WW's mother and other family members; or to Mr. W's casket-side. I stepped out of the line and respectfully made my way out of the church auditorium before I broke into tears. Despite the tears that followed I am glad that I went to.

Rich and I have a date tonight - 10:00pm my time. Skype!

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Day 25 continued, Day 24, Day 23.

Day 25: I've realized (the hard way, obviously) that I am not emotionally strong enough yet to tackle a whole elephant; I must eat it in small bites! Friday at noon I set off on a road trip. Just me and my boys (The Eagles) and we flew down the fast lane to South Alabama. Our destination... Geneva & Dothan and family. Geneva - the place where my parents met, fell in love, married and began their life. I was born there and have such wonderful memories of visits to family throughout my childhood. As I rolled into town about 5:00pm, I stopped at Price's Diner to brush my hair and throw in a few eye drops... and to run through my agenda - hoping I could work in a trip to the Oyster Bar downtown sometime over the weekend. YUM!!! I took a right, drove past where the Dixie Dandy used to be, drove past the hospital were I was born...took a turn where an old building once stood (that's my marker that reminds me where to turn) and headed out an old dirt road that ends at my Aunt L's house. As Aunt L (Mom's sister), met me in the yard and wrapped her arms around me I broke into a million pieces. The rush of missing Mama was just too much to bear. We cried and held on for a while - not near long enough; but enough to give me comfort. We "visited" a while then met Aunt M and my cousin's for dinner at the Chinese restaurant. With a satisfied belly I hugged them goodbye to head East to stay the night with Aunt J (Dad's sister). I told Aunt L that I would come back the next night (Sat) and stay with her. Here I go, more country backroads...my boys singing to me all along the way as I cried for my parents. Aunt J was just as excited to see me and held me while I cried more.

Day 24: Saturday morning I drove (cried) to visit Granny (nursing home); we cried together for a few minutes; then she went off on her usual tangents about Papa (wonderful man), who she didn't like and made miserable until his last breath. Then the subject changed to her horrible mother and sisters... it's always the same. After about 1-1/2 hours I was ready to get the hell out of there! Back to Aunt J's where she made a huge lunch full of Home! With another full tummy and more tears, I kissed her goodbye and headed back to Geneva to Aunt L's. Up the road a piece (smile) I came to a crossroad - I could keep going straight and head to Geneva or a right to Home. Through utter grief and tears I took the right. I just couldn't go back to Geneva... I was drained, my chest was full of grief and remembrance and longing, I was lost - so lost that the only place I wanted to go, knew to go, was home. Through my tears I called Aunt L to tell her I was going home; I just couldn't go back again on this trip. I needed to take small steps and I was not strong enough to stay. I cried and drove for 6 hours home. My boys comforted me as the sang to me about Hotel California and Wasted Time.

Day 23: I woke to the sound of the ceiling fan and Jake sighing out of depression. He jumped on the bed, laid his head on Rich's pillow and stared at me. "What do we do now"? he asked. "I don't know, Jake...I don't know. We just have to take small bites".

Sealed With a Kiss...

Day 25.

There were no dreams or nightmares last night. In fact, I don't believe I slept more than 10 minutes at a time throughout the night. I'm just about positive that there will be many sleepless nights to come. Rich and I went about our routine this morning in silence, both lost in the schedules for the day and the 2 week separation that proceeds the deployment. We know what the other is feeling - there wasn't a need for words. At the airport we held on and we kissed. A REAL kiss!! Not a 'have to' kiss, chicken-peck kiss ~ it was a wonderful exchange of breath and life-Kiss! The type of Kiss that replaces words ~ it speaks straight to the soul! The kind of Kiss where you breathe in each other, love each other and burn into the heart the memory of the moment. I'll think about that Kiss all day and hold it in my heart for the next 2 weeks!

I love him endlessly!