Letters to Heaven

My Sister has started to blog!

Letters to Heaven

Rhonda played at blogging last year after the loss of our parents ...as a way to make sense of their deaths and the new life she began on following a much needed divorce. Let me just say, an ex is an ex for a reason! And sometimes what you left in high school should stay there!

Here she is 14 months later and is getting ready to embark on a new journey of life, love and faith. Like me, we began our adult life feeling like we got what we deserved and and were only worthy enough to take what we were given. Then almost 14 years ago fate brought me face-to-face, humbled me and scared me all at the same time, with what real love and committment was all about . Now it's my sister's time, as she has been hit right over the head by the same type of relationship. It's not the lust kind, although there's that...but it's a relationship and love that started as a slow friendship before igniting into something more. I am so happy for her!!

I Love you Rhonda!!
I wish you and David so many years of happiness!

Where's the Garbage Can?

That's exactly what came out of my mouth this morning as I was rushing out to work with a bag of garbage in my hand to put in the garbage can.  WTH??? Where's the garbage can? It's not where it has been for EVER...especially over the past 14 months. After spinning around in a complete circle I spy it off to the right of the garage doors - it's been moved to a NEW location...(ahem) not by me!

This morning as I'm getting around for work I turn around in the bathroom and run smack into my husband. After I shrieked I decided I may need to tie a bell around his neck for a while. I'm not used to having anyone else to skirt around in my morning routine. He had rounded the bathroom door so stealthy that I had not heard him amid all of my primping (which is now confined to just 1/2 of the bathroom vanity) and he scared the hell out of me!

And there's a man in my bed!! Okay...that part is really quite awesome! It took us both a few nights to get used to feeling a body laying next to each other but we've gotten the hang of that one by now. It also helps that we got a new mattress set and the "quality time" (at our age its all about quality not quantity) together has filled in the gaps of time deployment created.

We are 6 days into reintegration. I am back to work and he is head down and butt up in home projects. By the time I left for work at 7am he had 1/4 of the privacy fence down and and had already plotted a new fence on paper (or in his head - same thing). My husband is not a gamer, a sport enthusiast, or a reader...give him a hammer, nails and a saw - or a shovel, trees and a wheel barrow - and he is a happy camper. So while I'm making the bacon, he's burning some major calories in the back yard.

Ahhh....I feel like I have just awakened from a year-long sleep and it's wonderful!

Coming Home

The return home ceremony for my husband and the team was without the pomp and circumstance that we had anticipated. They were 'thought' to come in on Today (3/11), over the last weekend it moved to Thurs., 3/10. On Monday and Tues. morning it was moved to Wed., 3/9. The return ceremony was still going to in the works and our Soldiers would come home to a welcome fitting their sacrifice and service.

Things changed dramatically at 10:30am on Tuesday when my husband called with the news that they had finished processing and would be hitting the road by 1:00pm THAT DAY and would be home around 7:00PM...THAT NIGHT! A mad scramble began and the official full-scale ceremony was postponed to a later date. Friends and family were still invited to be there to receive our guys in a more intimate setting.
After the sheer shock of knowing  they were coming home so soon wore off, I was able to start getting excited as the time drew near.

It was a wonderful reunion - just so surreal. To know that he's home and he doesn't have to go back in 2 weeks - or again - it just seemed like a dream. Even throughout the night I found myself looking at him to make sure it was really real! He was restless throughout the night, getting up once or twice to just walk through the house and a dozen times to go pee. When we finally got up on Wed. morning (early) we got up and dressed and out of the house. He said he just needed to go - he'd been going 200mph for 14 months and it felt like he'd just hit a brick wall and stopped cold. We drove into town and I told him that I know it's strange for him to be back in his environment...for me it's like I lost a whole year of my life. With the stress of dealing with the loss of my parents and deployment I just functioned through 2010 ~ not necessarily lived it. I don't even know how things around town have changed to even help him adjust...but we'd learn together as the days go by.

Rich and I have always been an open book and have been able to talk openly (no secrets or reservations), so we've been able to talk about how he feels now that he is home and how I can help (even by not helping) him get into a groove again. We both know that it will take some time but so far we are doing great and both adjusting to some old ways of our life and making new ways.

On my routine and with little vacation accrued, I am back to work. Rich is at home doing whatever Rich wants...and that's a good thing!

Peace, Love & Happy Friday!

I've Exhaled!

At 7pm (CST) I Exhaled!

After several days of a crazy roller coaster ride and changing dates and times..my husband is finally Home!

Peace, Love and.....Exhale!

The Gopher (err..Groundhog) Lied!

Where did this cold weather come from? Weren't we just in the mid-70's around here last week? Yesterday it was once again...mid-30's! Today I think we are hitting around upper 40's. It literally looks like snow clouds outside! Brrrrrrr

Trees and flowers are starting to bloom! The buttercups are just beautiful...the Bradford Pear trees that are EVERY WHERE remind me of cotton balls (or Qtips, depending on the shape of the tree). I love, love, love it! 

(Tulip Tree)

I've seen a lot of tulips trees lately. I'm sure they have always been around but this year I noticed them. My parents had a huge tulips tree in their yard until a strong wind and a weakened tree took it out a few years ago. I'll never forget how devastated they were! The Tulips trees remind me of them.

Here's to Spring coming...it's got to be here soon!

Oh yeah....Eeekkk.....my husband will be home in a just a few days!

Happy Monday

The Fight Within

(Note: This is lengthy and Spiritually-related)

Losing my parents (within days of each other) 14 months ago, just as my husband started pre-deployment training and then deployment through me into a life of existence that I didn't recognize. It was like driving down an unfamiliar road, in the pitch of dark, only to find it was a dead end with no where to turn around. Everything that I KNEW in my life became fuzzy. I wasn't "me' anymore but someone that I couldn't recognize. My faith, once strong, was broken. I felt no hope, only grief and isolation. I cried in longing for my Mama and Daddy, I cried  in longing for my husband...the three solid pillars of my life. As time went on, I hardened my heart to stop the continual wave of grief and sadness that seemed to be rising again and again...every single day. I became hallow inside. Words escaped me and I could do nothing more than just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I resolved to accept and support my husband and deployment - after all...it couldn't be changed, it was what it was. But, I became angry with God for taking my parents when He did; how could he do this to me? Why would he strip me and leave me (essentially) alone? I had been faithful to Him and His Word. What a fool I had been.

I let bitterness rule over me for 11 months...it fed on itself and I remained empty. It took me 9 months to pray again and then they were full of anger. The words that came would have horrified the 'me' I used to be...but that's all I could offer. I certainly didn't feel like I had anything to say that God would want to hear; after all, didn't he turn his back on me in my darkest hours? Hadn't he stripped me and left me laying broken? For what? Was it to clear the way for me to focus on Him? How cruel and unjust is that? It made no sense to me.

A month ago - maybe a little more - I realized that I didn't like the bitter soul that I was becoming. I no longer recognized myself and I just got ot the point where I couldn't live with the person bitterness and anger turned me in to. I felt so isolated and lonely that death itself couldn't make me feel better if I had that choice to make. I went back to church for the first time in years. Went back to the foundation that I knew - what more did I have to lose? What would I have to gain? My first visit was not a pleasant time. The bitterness inside ruled the service and I felt like I was a prisoner trying to dig my way out of a prison tunnel with the dull end of a toothbrush. Visits 2 and 3 were not much better, but they certainly weren't worse. Although, where I used to sing well and joyfully, I was unable to sing a note. The music and words inside where gone...silenced. After a few weeks I tried to sing but nothing remotely in tune came out - it was pitiful. I would open my mouth to sing praise and nothing would come out. I was pitiful and yet, still didn't know how to get out of my self-imposed isolation.

I couldn't even find the words to talk to anyway about how I felt because those around me couldn't truly understand; as no one I knew had gone through what I did. How could they be of any comfort?

Several weeks ago I began to pray in honesty again for others...some read my blog...some I read their blog. I began to pray for my family again, my husband and my children, my brothers and my sister. I didn't pray for 'me'...what could I pray for? I admitted the shame of my bitterness but not to for help to let it go. Deep down I guess I knew/know that if I let the bitterness go that I would be face-to-face with the rawness of grief again and I just couldn't/can't go there again. It truly is so painful that words just can't describe.

I spent part of my weekend at a women's conference all centered around being a Godly wife and mother. While it was a great event there was only one testimony that spoke to me..to my heart. There was a woman that was honest to share that she had become bitter with her child and God for something that happened many years ago. Her bitterness manifested itself inside her body in such a painful way that she eventually could  not function in her daily life. When she realized that she was bitter - something she didn't recognize in herself - she began the process of letting it go. I sat there and found myself praying that I could have her strength to just let it go. To let go of being angry with God. To let go of the unholy thoughts I had let dwell in me...that God is cruel. He doesn't care. He just left me...alone ...at a time that I needed Him the most. That to let go and let God would cause me to relive the grief I had tried to hide away,  just to make it through each and every day.

I left the conference today knowing that I have to face the demons that have been waging war inside of me, with my spiritual side, for so long. I can't do it alone and I have to find the words and strength to take on the battle ahead of me before I can truly rest and find peace and joy again.

I wish I could write that I found that closure afterwards and I have it all back together (spiritually) again...that I'm 'there'. I'm not. I admit that I'm afraid to let down my guard. I'm afraid to trust in God again. I'm afraid to feel the grief again. I am probably at mile 35 of a 50 mile trip and the next 10 miles are all uphill carrying the heaviest load of burden you can ever imagine. The first 35 were tough but this load is heavier than before.

One step, right?

Peace, Love and....

Have You Ever?

Have you ever left from somewhere knowing that you needed to pee...but thought to yourself, "I'll wait until I get home...it's not far". You arrive home and then walk up the stairs ever so gingerly, holding your breath because you realize that you really need to pee...now. Then after holding your breath down the hallway, and clinch yourself tightly, you walk through your bedroom to the bathroom - not turning on lights because it may take a few seconds longer than you have. You hurriedly jerk your pants and undies down because you just know you can't wait an longer? Then you sit down and feel the first dribble of awesome release...only to realize that the toilet lid is down?!

WTH?