A Long Drag

I walked into the house tonight. To the stillness. The all familiar quiet. The sound of the dogs "Mom, we are soooo happy to see you" was only a ploy for their afternoon treats. They turned their wet noses up at their dinner and have ignored me for the past 2 hours.

Typical.

Fucking dog.

I will play their damn games...feed, treat, water, repeat.

Life went on.

I turned on NPR, filled a wine glass and cooked dinner for one; the dinner was enough for dinner, lunch & dinner tomorrow. I found  myself staring through the kitchen window into the livingroom....just staring.

I missed her. I wanted to call my her. I wanted to hear her voice..just once...oh God, just one more time. I wanted so bad to call Heaven and beg for her to come back.

Life without a Mother is the loneliest feeling in the entire world! A Mother is the one person who loves you at your complete worse. She was always there...here...every where. I could call her anytime....I could touch her, kiss her, feel her every where. Now...it's an emptiness - a void so deep and wide -  that that is still so fucking unbearable almost 6 years later.

I need a drag from the longest cigarette known to man. A long, slow drag.

Peace

Tired

I am tired.
Of deployment
Of loneliness
Of myself
Of talking
Of silence
Of crying
Of trying
Of failing
Of life
Of living
I am tired

Note: No. I dont want to talk about this post. Don't ask me.

Facebook

This morning I did something I have wanting to do for a while....I pulled the plug on my Facebook account. For the longest time I have been over Facebook....bored with it and tired of the constant political, religious, homophobic  whinning, and memes.

Today a personal situation occured that prompted me to remove a post. As I started to do that I found myself going to my account and hitting deactivate instead. Such a moment of pure liberation.

Like any habit..if I can make it the first 30 days, I think I will be homefree...errrr, facebook free.  I will have to be diligent to maintain the real friendships the old school way. If anything, it will validate who my friends actually are.

Peace

Ugh...

This morning I woke up feeling like a complete failure. Maybe it was the fact it was another day of deployment or the self-hate I have for myself for breaking my goal not to drink, and having two beers last night at dinner with friends.
Either way I woke up feeling "off" and defeated. I spent the day in self-loathing and wanting to break something....any thing.

Now I am sitting in my car, at the airport. following a work function, and my car battery is flipping dead.

Really???

Damn

So Lame

I went to the lake yesterday after work.... I had to meet a guy from the security system company early this morning to do the install. As I putted around the lake house last night I found that the Internet wasn't working as well as I needed it to , in order for me to be entertained. So I read a magazine from cover to cover, fought to watch a few youtube videos on my tablet, then read a book through my Kindle app. After a while I gave up and took a sleeping pill and headed to be at 9 pm. So lame.....I know. Bright and early I forced myself out of bed to the shower and around for the day. The security system install too about 3 1/2 hours...but it's done and I feel safer already. During the install I needed to download an app that took forever...and ever....and a day. WTH???

Afterwards I went out and about into town...found the furniture I wanted ( babe, I need some $$$, greenbacks, cashola, money, cha-ching........really, I do!). I considered my options for an easy evening....lake....primary home. I won't say that having Internet was a deciding factor, but I did end up going to the lake, gathering my things, locking up...and heading back to town. Then again, it really was the opportunity to have a yummy dinner and evening with my neighbors, followed but a promise to go to my daughter in laws  house with breakfast, that swayed  my decision.

I am so spoiled to Internet and a cheap bottle of wine!

Peace

Amazing....

I have a love/hate relationship with makeup. I simply LOVE makeup, the shimmer ~ the colors, the looks....but I absolutely HATE the moment of the evening that I spend taking it all off. I use Almay eye makeup remover pads to take off my war paint, followed by Neutrogena face wipes to clean off left overs. The oil from both get into my eyes and gives me a hazy view afterwards.

I love all makeup....especially a bright red lipstick that barely comes off with moderate scrubbing.

What's a girl to do?

Recently I saw a makeup remover towel that Sephora and Ulta sell for a hefty price. It doesn't have any cleansing compound whatsoever, but it removes makeup. I tend to be a bit heavy-handed in applying my makeup but I truly could not see myself spending the high dollar for a piece of cloth.

Until.....Walmart. For a few little dollars I picked up a 3-pack of makeup removing cloths. At least if it didn't work and it was all just hype, I haven't invested much. Sooooooo. ...last night I tried it out. I simply wet the dry cloth and  began to take my eye makeup off (waterproof mascara included). No lying, folks......in 30 seconds I was staring at my clean face in the mirror and wondering what kind of voodoo magic just happened. I wiped and the makeup just disappeared. No pulling, tugging or aggressively wiping. Gone baby, gone!

So, you have been informed...you are welcome.

Peace

Faded Music

I realized today that I haven't  turned on my  car radio once since Rich has been gone. I tried today, but I just couldn't  find the right groove or words that fit into my life right now, so I turned it off. If I'm not mistaken, I went through the whole year of the last deployment without music. It's not that I don't enjoy the music , it's just that it doesn't work for me right now. The silence....i don't even notice it.

Odd?

Maybe.

Peace