Two Days In

We are 2 days into a new year and already I haven't  accomplished much. I laid around...literally...ALL DAY new years day.  I wasn't  even near nursing a hangover, I only had one drink and was in  bed by 8:30 New Years Eve; I was just tired and needing to rest a foot injury. To be honest, I didn't  change out of my jammies, take a shower, or put a brush to my hair. I was the epitome of a hot mess!! Gosh, it felt kinda good!

Today I spent time with my daughter-in-law and niece doing a bit of thrifting - such a great time! My evening was quiet and restful.  Sure wish my husband was here to enjoy it with me - counting down the stinking days!!

Tomorrow my youngest son turns 26. How and when did that happen?? He has become a man before my eyes and working hard at college.....I am so, so  so proud of him! 26.....🎂🎁🎈 where did the years go? I fell in love with him the very moment I laid eyes on him. Despite the toughest years, I still have that feeling in my heart for him. He is a great deal like his Dad and that makes me extremely  happy!

So, 2016. What a new beginning.

Peace

On this day

It was 6 years ago today that my mother died. Being motherless is a feeling that is so difficult to even describe. There is an emptiness and hollowness inside that will never be fill by another living soul. Ever. She was my first love, my first kiss, my first breath, my first everything..... for 43 years. Then she was gone. Just....gone. She will always be gone.

Though I no longer wallow in the grief and loss on a regular basis, I miss her more every single day.

Forever.

Peace

Goodbye 15

In just a few days 2015 will be a speck in the review mirror of my life. Gone will be the long days and even longer nights alone because of deployment. A new year will begin with more days and nights to go, but they are fewer than the ones I will leave behind.

As I look forward to a new year, a new beginning to get it right, and a new start - a chance to begin again - I hope that I will take the clean slate and fill it with so much love, joy, friendship, adventure, and tradition. I want to finally learn to sew, design "my room", finish that book I started 29 years ago long before technology, on an old typewriter. I want to spend long nights and weekends with my family, fish the lake with my husband, I want to learn something new and perfect something old. I want to capture more of the cherishable moments with my eyes and heart instead of behing the camera of my phone.

I want to travel with my love and hold hands endlessly. I want to take up a craft and throw intimate parties. I want to live more than I have in recent years. To laugh  more and cry less. To blog, to vlog...to whatever. I long to remember the past but let go of the pain...to tell that story. To be there, here, more....and less....depending.

Soon the chapter of this year will end and I will flip the page to write the next one. I want to. I need to. My story is just beginning to get good again.

Peace

Give and Take

The past week or two have been trying, professionally and personally. I have faced head on, with the true feelings of some I loved and some I respected. In both unrelated situations I have given beyond the ability I wasn't sure I possessed. In both situations I was taken back by the results.

I'm a giver, rarely a takers.  Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to receive.

Peace

There Once Was a Kidney

There once was a kidney that lived inside of my Sister's  body. Along with it's  mate, the little left kidney worked day and night, around the clock, to filter blood needed to produce urine. For 49 + plus years this amazing internal organ (s) has carried the responsibility of filling up the bladder so she could pee and filtering out toxins. Seems like such a simple thing, right?

For her....it was.
For others....not so much.

As  an RN who has worked in dialysis for many years, she saw the impact that not having fully functioning kidneys  can have on a person, a body, the family, and the spirit. She has watched in vain how the procedure lengthen the inevitable, knowing that the inevitable would eventually happen.

Rhonda has the fighting spirit of our father....so she took it to the streets. She stood up for someone who could no longer fight their own kidney battle alone any longer. She wanted to be the difference that she wanted to see. My sister went through long months and months of testing to be approved as a living kidney donor.

As part of a paired-donation, this past Friday I cried as they wheeled her to the operating room, where her left kidney was removed and transplanted into the body of someone she didn't  even know. A selfless act of humanity that gave life back to the recipient who had been on dialysis for 5 years. 

Like me, many people have a little red heart on their driver's  license, or the actual words "donor" to signify their intent to donate their organs upon death. But did you know that kidneys donated by a living donor last 5-10 years longer than the organ from a deceased person (averaged about 10-15 years)? I may live to be an old, old woman....I know some of my organs are needed long before my last breath. Yours are too.

Will I become a living donor? As much as I would love to be strong and brave like Rhonda....in truth, I'm  not.  Living donation is not for everyone....but it is for someone.

My sister is my hero. She is home now and has a beautifully working right kidney. Her donor may go home today to start her new life with an equally beautiful left kidney, that has the Blocker fighting spirit  coursing through its tissue.

Peace

Was it Just a Dream?

I woke this morning next to my husband. The warmth of his body, the touch of his foot entwined with mine, and his eyes looking at my face as I slowly peeped them open to catch a glimpse of him. In my dreams we traveled together. First to Germany where we stayed at a romantically quaint Inn and made love amid the moonlight through the windows. In the blink of a second we were in Italy, touring the ancient cities and feasting on the best food Italy offered....made by hands of love and years of history. We drank wine, we laughed, we formed new family. Our journey took us through cobble stone streets and lines of laundry hanging to dry. Blink....back to Germany amid the sights and sounds. The food, the beer, the endless wandering. We laughed and talked ourselves  to sleep. Holding each other like tomorrow would never come.

It did.

We woke and the dream was over.

Though it lasted 7 days it seemed like 30 seconds.

30 seconds  in time that 6 months have forged. I tried to grasp each second and hold on to them for dear life, to carry us for 6 months more. I wanted to capture each moment in my blinks....never to be forgotten. I wanted to be able to close my eyes and replay the kisses, the touches, the love.

But the morning came too soon and the dream faded away.

Peace

It Wasn't a Train

If, like me, you suffer from depression and anxiety, you get just how easy it can be to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is a train barreling down the track to wipe you out. I definitely have felt my tracks shake at the thundering sounds and bright light heading my way. There have been times that I have hoped for a train just to end the darkness that gripped me.

When I was young adult  - early to mid 20's, I felt 'empty' and 'sad-but-not-sad' every so often; at the time I wasn't familiar with the meaning of  depression so I couldn't find the words to explain (or understand) what I was feeling. After a few days I would come out of "it" and all would be right in the world again. Circumstance, Days, Months and Years would pass before I would feel the darkness again. It always went away but it always came back - for no reason or warning.

At 49 I have finally come to admit, and not be ashamed to say, that I do suffer from depression and anxiety. The feelings grow more intense the older I get; sometimes it is difficult to believe I will come out of it one more time. But I do. I have an amazing life with a strong family and friend base...and I don't want to check out and miss a single moment of what the future holds. I think that it is important to acknowledge when I am struggling, to reach out, keep talking and keep living.

Peace