A Mother...

I was visiting my neighbors a few minutes ago. Rehashed our week (a 12 year Friday Night ritual), had a little wine. As I was leaving one of "The Moms" arrived for the weekend. "The Moms" is the name I use to identify Brian and Leigh Ann's Moms. "The Moms" are each very special and unique in their own way - I love them very much.

I opened the door to leave and Brian's Mom was at the door. I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek and made my way home. As I was walking the short span between our homes my chest clinched in want for a Mom again. My Mom. A Mom who loved me unconditionally, knew my weakness and my strength...would talk to me for hours...who laughed and cried with me... who taught me to put on makeup when I was a kid and still held me tight and kissed my lips as an adult. Who did the things that made life memorable and made me believe in myself in ways that only a Mom can. Without her (or my Dad) I am not a daughter anymore...I'm no one's daughter anymore.

I want my Mother ... it's much more difficult knowing that I'll never have her back, than anyone with a Mom could ever imagine.

(I miss my Daddy too....that's another blog)

Hands Up!

When I was a little girl (about 10'ish) I was enthralled with hands. A silly thing to "love" but I remember distinctly watching a hand lotion commercial on television and how the female model's hands were just beautiful...perfect...and I loved the way she held them in just the right pose. When I learned that there were actually hand models I just knew that I had what it took. I had practiced my hand pose, had watched the hands of models on game shows.. and I always thought my hands were just as pretty as those on tv. Yes, I wanted to be a hand model!

35 + years later.....I was getting ready for bed last night. As I washed my hands and started to apply lotion to my hands (my nightly ritual), I was caught off guard by the look of MY hands. I stared at them in disbelief. Really looked at them. Oh...my...I have old hands! When did that happen? When and how did my hands become mapped with pronounce blue lines and wrinkles? I was just flabergasted as I held them up to the mirror - just to double check that the hands were actually mine - how have I not noticed it before? Did it just happen overnight or have I been oblivious to the subtle changes all along? I lotioned them up really well in hopes that I could turn back the clock and bring back the hands I remember..if only in my mind.

I went to bed still thinking about my discovery.  Just how did this happen? Then, as if watching a movie, I was taken back to when I used them to play in the dirt, dress Barbies, steadily play Operation and Pickup Sticks, did cartwheels in the front yard. I remembered all of the music I played with them in the junior high band and the flags I twirled back then. I thought about how they held my children, the many diapers those hands changed...bottles I prepared and the tiny hands I've held in mine. I thought about how I've used these old-looking hands to cook meals for my family...they were my source of income for 8 years and a deaf minstry tool for an additonal 4. My hands have held the hands of my parents, my husband, my children, my friends and family. I've used them to prepare food and cakes for gatherings, events and casual family dinners, to crochet blankets, and to write many words. They've been sore, tired and sometimes injured from the wear and tear. Lying in my bed last night I realized that they have served me in so many ways that my little 10 year old self never ever imagined.

The memories guided me to understand how they became old.
My hands have begun to age.
My hands have changed, matured, and grown stronger by experience.
They have so many stories to tell....
many more life yet to live.
So much aging left to do.

Holding on For Spring!

Ugh...there is MORE snow in the forecast! Right now it's a drizzly rain (has been ALL DAY), but 'they" say it'll turn to snow later this evening. The prediction has never been more UNCLEAR! Could be 1-3 inches...could be more. Could Be! That's definately a way of not being wrong, Weather Folks! In preparation, schools have already started posting delays, businesses have already posted closings! Seriously?! Okay, in the midst of weather hysteria that only can happen in the South - I will admit that I bought a flat-head shovel and three (3) bags of ice salt over the weekend.. yeah, I may be a sucker..but I'll be ready for whatever happens.

Weather like this makes me long for Spring! I love for Spring!! I miss Spring!! The blue skies, the flowers, the temperatures... This Spring will bring my husband home to me! HURRY UP!!! We need to get on with our life...take motorcycle rides, lay around together at night and watch TV, lounge in on Sundays, cook meals together, make love (yes kids...I said that), share bottles of wine with our friends on the back deck. Come on Spring! I'm waiting!!

Ugh...snow..again!

Taking a Sick Day

I hate taking a sick day! I don't feel sick...no fever, chills, sneezing, pain. Nothing. BUT, I just don't feel good. I can't put my finger on what's wrong today....I just don't feel good. I'm tired - not sleepy. My mind is a bit hazy and I haven't taken any meds to cause that. I got out earlier to run an errand, thinking it would make me feel better; it only made me more physically and mentally tired. I am drained. Now I'm home tucked back in bed.

Yesterday I went back to church...I did much better this time.There were a few moments (especially during the praise worship) that I had to completely shut down my thoughts and emotions just to get through it, but I didn't bolt for the door right afterwards. Baby steps....

We are less than 35 days until the end of deployment! I told Rich last night that I didn't care how long it took to get him home once he left Afghanistan...as long as he was out of there!  It's when he is on the Freedom Flight that I will finally be able to exhale and know that it's truly over. We'll both carry with us the battle scars - we'll be okay together.

There's no rhyme or reason for today's post. Nothing catchy or witty.... just words today.

Good Morning, Louis

Oh. My Gawd!!!!

Check this out...this is the group I work for...let me set the scene:

If you walk into my department at work my office is straight ahead. All of the office walls are glass. So I'm the first person you see when you walk through the doors. To your left is Louis...to the right is our Administrative Assistant. All other offices are down to the Left. (picture an "L"-shape with the door to the department being at the beginning of the lower part of the "L" - I'm right at the corner bend).

So Beverly just walks in ...she sees me - there's NO WAY to not see me - she says "Good Morning, Louis", turns to go up the "L" and acknowledges our Admin.


WTH?

Now, we actually ALL get along in our group...there's no high school drama or any kind of drama whatsoever....however, I seem to be invisible around here until someone needs something or has a question.

It's just plain rude!

Happy Dancing on the Inside!

I almost did a Happy Dance out of the Post Office today!

Almost..but it was raining and I didn't want to be hauled off in a white jacket.

TODAY I mailed off one of the LAST 2 care packages that I will send to my Honey!

Do you know how exciting that is?!

This package held a few essential..okay, only one essential and a few extra happies in the box!

I'm reserving my right to send one more just because.

But after that..............NO MORE!!!!

No more ...no more!!

No more Customs forms!

No more Flat Rate Boxes stuffed full!
No More standing in long lines holding heavy boxes!

No more trips to the Post Office on my lunch hour -

Or rushing to beat the Sat. 8-10am open hours.

No more huge debits off my bank card to pay for contents and postage!

No more wracking my brain trying to think of what to include when he doesn't need anything.

No more!

Less than 6 weeks!

Then.....

Peace, Love, and Hallelujah!

Hydration - The Eyes & Soul Have It!

I remember when I hated drinking water! It was dull and boring. During the day I would be so busy at work that I didn't drink water at all because it would mean that I would have to go pee. There were days when I didn't go pee until after I got home. My skin was dry, I had headaches, I was sluggish, and my eyes were always red and irritated ~ all because I was dehydrating myself. I never much thought about how the body needs water to function, to operate properly...despite reading the numerous articles that touted the values of a few glasses of H2O daily.

I began to work on my water intake last year when my eyes began to become so irritated that they felt swollen all the time. I was dumping eye drops and eye lubrication drops in them constantly (way more than the recommended dose). Eye drops became an addiction. My eye doctor told me that my eyes were severely dehydrated and that I needed to drink more water - once I did my problem would go away. Thinking...'whatever'..  I decided to humor him and see what happens. I'll be damned if he wasn't right! After several weeks of hydration my eyes cleared up and I found I was using eye drops less frequesntly...some days not at all! Pretty good for an eye drop junkie! Now I let my eyes be the indicator that I'm not getting enough life sustaining fluid!

I typically drink at least 96 ounces of water every day. Since getting off my regular gym and healthy eating routine at R&R I've found that I'm not drinking as much water - or anything at all. I've been more sluggish and my eyes are burning. With the rebirth of my total fitness committment I've started filling up my Camelback bottle more often - which means I'm peeing ALOT!!! Ughhhh. I know that side effect is only temporary until my body gets the hang of water intake again...but I HATE having to pee every 10-15 minutes! Just knowing the rewards are much more than the temporary inconvience, I keep drinking.

I also have begun to drink more of the Spiritual Water. Despite my often Waivering Faith...I still drink because God still provides it. There were/are times, days, months and even a year where I turned off  the faucet - left it on a trickle -because of anger and loss - it was too much to take in. But, I never stopped believing that all I had to do was turn the 'handle' again and the true Living Water would be there. I know that it's okay to struggle with my Faith ... it's okay to be angry with God and to be disheartened - how else would Faith be rebuilt? If there was not struggle there would be nothing to seek...nothing to learn...nothing to hope for...nothing more to believe in. That's what faith is, really...believing that there is a Hope...that there is Peace abundant waiting for me to receive. I'll get there again ~ I have no doubt.

Through my journey and daily spiritual workouts I find myself going back to the Water for a sip or two often; some days I drink more and some days I find myself completely dehydrated. My human emotions are still extremely raw so I only take in what I know I can handle at the time. Each day I open to accept a little more than the day before. I have no doubt that this journey I've been on was designed specifically for me, it doesn't mean that I have to like it or even take it without a question. Even through all of my questions, cries and pleas of "Why?", I can still hear my Daddy's voice telling me (what he always told us), "You'll just have to ask God when you get there".

John 4:14 "But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."

Love, Peace and Faith!