Once upon time there were 3 photo albums. One was filled with the beginnings of a new life as two kids made pledges, shared the hope through a time of grief, and lived life. Familiar faces stared into the lens and each picture spoke words of promise and anticipation. The next two albums documented life, event, pregnancies,birth of children and special moments between mother, father and child that only a lens can capture.
Four years of life in pictures - long before digital cameras, internet, and computers - and then divorce came for that young couple and those albums were left behind. Years came and went and requests for the albums were denied. A new spouse enters the story and picks apart the albums...throwing away reminders of her new husband's previous life. "It's a rumor..not true...didn't happen..the albums are safe and sound", he protests.
Flash forward 2 decades.
"Mom, do you have baby pictures of me?"
"No, you will have to ask your Father, he has them all."
Today:
"Mom, my Dad went through the albums and there are some pictures there. But, there are none that have you in them. Dad's shocked that "SHE" did that - he didn't know."
There are no pictures of the children's mother in them. No pictures of her sharing happy moments with her family, her children, her friends, her life. Not one photograph of her holding her children for the very first time, or celebrating her child's 1st birthday, or 2nd birthday, or of the time she was big as a barn while pregnant again, and then bringing another child home from the hospital to crappy base housing.
Gone. All gone.
The End.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
'Spanx...for the Memories'
OH. MY. GOODNESS!
(this s NOT me)
I have graduated from my ever-so-lovely waist binder to a heavy duty compression garments (i.e. Spanx). A couple of weeks ago my honey bought me a pair of Spanx in anticipation of this point of my recovery. Silly girl that I am, couldn't wait to try them on. After pulling and tugging I just couldn't get them over the swelling in my hips (and I was still tender in the tummy), so I think to myself, "hey, maybe if I cut them...they would fit right". Yeah, Rich hates when I think! $42 just went in the garbage. Over the weekend I had to confess my error in thinking and beg (okay, not really) for redemption and another $42 pair of Spanx, under the promise to NOT take scissors to them.
Now, for anyone NOT familiar with this type of undergarment, let me give you a description. Spanx are like a layer of skin made to hold in ever single dimple on your ass and wrinkle on your tummy. You literally have to fold the fake skin over the real skin in such a manner that it is impossible to breath at the same time. There was one point in my Spanx dance this morning that I looked at myself in the mirror, one hand sticking out of the bottom on the Spanx leg, one hand pulling up the ass, and I almost cried in wish for one more arm.
After a true 15 minutes of work I finally succeeded in getting the damn things on and up (it's a high-waist Spanx), only to notice that I forgot to put my underwear on (normal people wouldn't wear undies with them, but I've never been normal) - thank goodness for the 'boxer-short' type fold down there', but still.......
Then I remembered...GREAT ~ I haven't gone to the bathroom yet (you know what I mean). These things should some with a flap in the back like those footed pajamas; BUTT (ha!) they don't! When (and if) that time comes I will literally have to get completely naked in the bathroom at work because it's gonna take all of the free range of motion and space (handicap stall) that I can muster just to get them down and up within 30 minutes. Just the thought makes me miss my binder {shiver}!
I'm on a Spanx/binder/compression garment diet for the next 3 weeks. Lord Help me!
Spanx.
(this s NOT me)I'm not sure what kind of diabolical person came up with these things, but I'm sure there was a hint of tortuous glee in the glint of his/her eye!
I have graduated from my ever-so-lovely waist binder to a heavy duty compression garments (i.e. Spanx). A couple of weeks ago my honey bought me a pair of Spanx in anticipation of this point of my recovery. Silly girl that I am, couldn't wait to try them on. After pulling and tugging I just couldn't get them over the swelling in my hips (and I was still tender in the tummy), so I think to myself, "hey, maybe if I cut them...they would fit right". Yeah, Rich hates when I think! $42 just went in the garbage. Over the weekend I had to confess my error in thinking and beg (okay, not really) for redemption and another $42 pair of Spanx, under the promise to NOT take scissors to them.
Now, for anyone NOT familiar with this type of undergarment, let me give you a description. Spanx are like a layer of skin made to hold in ever single dimple on your ass and wrinkle on your tummy. You literally have to fold the fake skin over the real skin in such a manner that it is impossible to breath at the same time. There was one point in my Spanx dance this morning that I looked at myself in the mirror, one hand sticking out of the bottom on the Spanx leg, one hand pulling up the ass, and I almost cried in wish for one more arm.
After a true 15 minutes of work I finally succeeded in getting the damn things on and up (it's a high-waist Spanx), only to notice that I forgot to put my underwear on (normal people wouldn't wear undies with them, but I've never been normal) - thank goodness for the 'boxer-short' type fold down there', but still.......
Then I remembered...GREAT ~ I haven't gone to the bathroom yet (you know what I mean). These things should some with a flap in the back like those footed pajamas; BUTT (ha!) they don't! When (and if) that time comes I will literally have to get completely naked in the bathroom at work because it's gonna take all of the free range of motion and space (handicap stall) that I can muster just to get them down and up within 30 minutes. Just the thought makes me miss my binder {shiver}!
I'm on a Spanx/binder/compression garment diet for the next 3 weeks. Lord Help me!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
And Then There is Hate..
There are individuals that I have encountered throughout my 45 years that I dislike immensely. Folks that I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire or notice (or care) if they fell off the face of the earth.There is no love-loss in the severing of those relationship.
And then there is Hate.
Up until last night night there were only three people in the World that I hate. I'm not talking 'hate' ...like when I say I hate mayonnaise (which is true); I mean the true form of the word. For those people I truly have a deep deep hatred - every day that they live is another day of stolen air from the rest of us. Once they die off the Earth will shift and one of the many dark clouds will roll away to reveal a more harmonious existence. Although they are not in my life in any shape or form any longer - and haven't been for 15 years, the feelings I have toward them have never faded and won't as long as they breath. I've moved on in my life and do not dwell on 'those' people at all, or the pain they caused me and my children..I function just fine in my life in-spite of them. They do not rob me of emotions by my continuing to hate them..I don't spend waking moments knowing that I hate them..it's just a natural instinct. Once they are gone from this world I will not feel bad for their families or feel bad that they are gone - if fact, I will just 'be'.
I found myself saying the words (last night) to my husband about 'hating' someone else. Someone that has robbed me and someone I love, of a meaningful relationship. This person built a wall between my step-son and I that I have been unable to penetrate for almost 14 years. I would beat my head against the wall in an effort to finally see a breakthrough - only to be defeated. For years I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me and what was so wrong with my marrying his father, that prevented "N" and I from forming a familial bond. Last night I found out the truth..and it hurt deeply. I can't remember the last time I have cried from the very depths of my gut. From what I know, "N" is just as shocked as I am at the lengths taken to build and feed the wall. He thought it was me, I thought it was him...it was someone else and completely out of our hands. As he grew to adulthood he brought with him the wall that he grew up around. Our relationship was never able to grow and we were reduced to speaking pleasantries across the top of the wall.
The truth is out of the bag and we have both been wounded. I woke up crying and have cried once more so far today. I cry for time that we can never get back and for what we could have had. I cry out of fear for what is next. I cry because I feel vindicated in a way. I cry because my heart hurts so much and crying is all I can do right now.I'm not sure where "N" and I go from here; I don't even know what to say or what I want to hear.
But, I do know that I've added a fourth person to my list.I'm not ashamed of that.
And then there is Hate.
Up until last night night there were only three people in the World that I hate. I'm not talking 'hate' ...like when I say I hate mayonnaise (which is true); I mean the true form of the word. For those people I truly have a deep deep hatred - every day that they live is another day of stolen air from the rest of us. Once they die off the Earth will shift and one of the many dark clouds will roll away to reveal a more harmonious existence. Although they are not in my life in any shape or form any longer - and haven't been for 15 years, the feelings I have toward them have never faded and won't as long as they breath. I've moved on in my life and do not dwell on 'those' people at all, or the pain they caused me and my children..I function just fine in my life in-spite of them. They do not rob me of emotions by my continuing to hate them..I don't spend waking moments knowing that I hate them..it's just a natural instinct. Once they are gone from this world I will not feel bad for their families or feel bad that they are gone - if fact, I will just 'be'.
I found myself saying the words (last night) to my husband about 'hating' someone else. Someone that has robbed me and someone I love, of a meaningful relationship. This person built a wall between my step-son and I that I have been unable to penetrate for almost 14 years. I would beat my head against the wall in an effort to finally see a breakthrough - only to be defeated. For years I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me and what was so wrong with my marrying his father, that prevented "N" and I from forming a familial bond. Last night I found out the truth..and it hurt deeply. I can't remember the last time I have cried from the very depths of my gut. From what I know, "N" is just as shocked as I am at the lengths taken to build and feed the wall. He thought it was me, I thought it was him...it was someone else and completely out of our hands. As he grew to adulthood he brought with him the wall that he grew up around. Our relationship was never able to grow and we were reduced to speaking pleasantries across the top of the wall.
The truth is out of the bag and we have both been wounded. I woke up crying and have cried once more so far today. I cry for time that we can never get back and for what we could have had. I cry out of fear for what is next. I cry because I feel vindicated in a way. I cry because my heart hurts so much and crying is all I can do right now.I'm not sure where "N" and I go from here; I don't even know what to say or what I want to hear.
But, I do know that I've added a fourth person to my list.I'm not ashamed of that.
Monday, August 22, 2011
I Know The Feeling...
I now know the feeling of unconditional love that only comes from holding the child of your child. My heart melted at her first cry out of the womb...I am forever blessed to be tied to this beautiful little person:
My Granddaughter ~ Evie Renee Hamilton
Born: Aug. 20th
Weight/Length: 7lb 14 oz/19.5 inches
I am so in Love!
My Granddaughter ~ Evie Renee Hamilton
Born: Aug. 20th
Weight/Length: 7lb 14 oz/19.5 inches
Friday, August 19, 2011
Turning Back Time
Rich left yesterday for Atlanta to attend a National Guard conference where he is giving a presentation. The house tonight was quiet..too quiet and I had just settled in to bed to get some rest - about 3 1/2 hours ago. My cell phone rang to the sweet sweet voice of my husband to end our day together with a few words. Settling back in to rest, m phone rings again...this time its my son calling to tell me his wife is in labor.
Change of plans. Now I'm at the hospital and Rich is driving home from Atlanta. My son is laying next to his wife, rubbing her back, as the dose of pain meds takes Johanna under for some needed sleep before its too late. It feels so surreal to know that my son will soon become a father and that I have a granddaughter waiting to meet the World.
It was almost 27 years ago in Fayetteville, NC that my son was born. We lived in a little ratty trailer park outside of Ft. Bragg, NC. It was late July - or was it early August? - when my parents and I packed up my meager belongings and drove me to NC to join my (then) husband who was fresh out of jump school. It was mid-September before too long and husband had to go to the field for a few days. My mom came to stay with me even though I was 2 weeks away from my due date. 4 days into husband away in the field I woke up not feeling well. Mom took me to the doctor, who checked me out and sent me straight to the hospital because I was in labor. A phone call or two later we had found the right person to talk to at his unit to get a message to husband that the baby was on the way. We waited...and waited...labor kept going. Soon it was time and it was just my mom and I.
I was ready to push...there is a commotion going on in the hall way and I hear "He's here". Through a small window I see things being thrown. Husband rushes in..painted a zillion shades of green and brown, with a hospital gown draped over his BDUs. Husband stops his run..next to the doctor who is in the 'catch' position. Josh is born right then.
Sometime in the wee hours Josh will be waiting for Evie to be born. I am so happy to be here to see her first breath.
I will be a Grandmama soon!
Change of plans. Now I'm at the hospital and Rich is driving home from Atlanta. My son is laying next to his wife, rubbing her back, as the dose of pain meds takes Johanna under for some needed sleep before its too late. It feels so surreal to know that my son will soon become a father and that I have a granddaughter waiting to meet the World.
It was almost 27 years ago in Fayetteville, NC that my son was born. We lived in a little ratty trailer park outside of Ft. Bragg, NC. It was late July - or was it early August? - when my parents and I packed up my meager belongings and drove me to NC to join my (then) husband who was fresh out of jump school. It was mid-September before too long and husband had to go to the field for a few days. My mom came to stay with me even though I was 2 weeks away from my due date. 4 days into husband away in the field I woke up not feeling well. Mom took me to the doctor, who checked me out and sent me straight to the hospital because I was in labor. A phone call or two later we had found the right person to talk to at his unit to get a message to husband that the baby was on the way. We waited...and waited...labor kept going. Soon it was time and it was just my mom and I.
I was ready to push...there is a commotion going on in the hall way and I hear "He's here". Through a small window I see things being thrown. Husband rushes in..painted a zillion shades of green and brown, with a hospital gown draped over his BDUs. Husband stops his run..next to the doctor who is in the 'catch' position. Josh is born right then.
Sometime in the wee hours Josh will be waiting for Evie to be born. I am so happy to be here to see her first breath.
I will be a Grandmama soon!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I AM...
100 different ways of BORED!!!!!
I'm not sure how much more of recovery I can take! Or how many more Food Network or Discovery Fit & Health shows that I can watch.................
A week or so off work has reminded me how I could NOT be a stay-at-home housewife. I cannot imagine what could be so interesting to do that would fill the day...every.single.day ~ unless my husband was home with me. I've worked outside the home for 25'ish yeas and I can say without a doubt that staying home on a daily basis is not my favorite thing to do. It's a good thing the first week home was filled with Percocet dreams!
I dread knowing that I am 'stuck' at home for another week. I could turn to the Percocet but I'm not in pain and that would be a lame thing to do. Then again.....hmmmmm
Oh yay! Another Food Network show is on.
Monday, August 15, 2011
What I've Missed This Week
In the week that I've been recovering I have found a few things that I have missed:
1. Blowing my nose! I never really thought about how many times I generally blow my nose (usually after I get out of the shower or before I go to bed), until I couldn't blow my nose at all! Who knew that you needed ab muscles to blow your nose??
2. Tooting (or even pooping)! Man oh man - It's not like I tooted all the time but I was pretty regular BEFORE my surgery. Whenever I get to toot I'm so thrilled to share that information! Even "using the bathroom" is a momentous event to share with my husband ~ but good grief it just wears me out completely!
3. Sleeping on my side or back! I can't say that I'm a side sleeper, a back sleeper or a tummy sleeper..but I know that I'm not a full-time back sleeper. Once I get these drains out (Wednesday), I may be able to at least lean to one side.
4. Wearing undies! I've been wearing XL boxers that Rich went out and bought, for almost a week now. No, not the same pair...clean ones every day....These babies are HUGE but they fit over the tubes and drains comfortably.
5. Sleeping in my bed! Rich and I have been camping on the sofa for a week. We tried sleeping in our bed the other night but neither of us got any rest..so we moved back to the sofa. I love waking up in the middle of the night to Rich holding my hand, He's awesome.
It's getting better! No regrets!
1. Blowing my nose! I never really thought about how many times I generally blow my nose (usually after I get out of the shower or before I go to bed), until I couldn't blow my nose at all! Who knew that you needed ab muscles to blow your nose??
2. Tooting (or even pooping)! Man oh man - It's not like I tooted all the time but I was pretty regular BEFORE my surgery. Whenever I get to toot I'm so thrilled to share that information! Even "using the bathroom" is a momentous event to share with my husband ~ but good grief it just wears me out completely!
3. Sleeping on my side or back! I can't say that I'm a side sleeper, a back sleeper or a tummy sleeper..but I know that I'm not a full-time back sleeper. Once I get these drains out (Wednesday), I may be able to at least lean to one side.
4. Wearing undies! I've been wearing XL boxers that Rich went out and bought, for almost a week now. No, not the same pair...clean ones every day....These babies are HUGE but they fit over the tubes and drains comfortably.
5. Sleeping in my bed! Rich and I have been camping on the sofa for a week. We tried sleeping in our bed the other night but neither of us got any rest..so we moved back to the sofa. I love waking up in the middle of the night to Rich holding my hand, He's awesome.
It's getting better! No regrets!
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