You Look Tired Today...

Another relatively sleepless night. I think I more or less cat-napped my way to the morning alarm today. I got ready for work - wearing green for the day, not a bad hair day, and make-up looking pretty good; in spite of fatigue. I think I actually did pretty well on the dark circles under my eyes. So... I get to work and my co-worker stops in my office to say good morning - he said "You look tired today". Well, I havent slept well lately... "how come you're not sleeping"...just too much going on. "Okay...hope eveything's okay, you should get more rest".WTF? I actually felt good today up until 8:15am - tired, yes - but really good.

So then I had to question myself! Was co-worker REALLY saying...'you look like hell today' or was he saying 'you look like you have a lot going on'? Did I wear the wrong color? Maybe I should've worn my hair up. Are my eyebrows even? Wrong shade of lipstick? For someone to notice that I look like shit, I must REALLY look like it! Right?! And then to ask why I'm not sleeping...I've ONLY worked here for 2 years and EVERYONE knows what the past year had held for me AND that it's getting ready to get more complicated. Why would anyone in my department NOT know that I have a great deal to deal with that prevents me from being chipper 24/7?!?

Which leads me to another thing... I recently had someone tell me that I "just didn't seem like myself". Seriously? They must've meant the old me.. the person I was when I had two parents and my husband wasn't deploying to some fucking warzone? The one that laughed and felt care-free and social. Or the person that was excited about my life and the days/nights, had dreams of "one day", I loved my job...couldn't wait to get there and 'help' someone; be useful, and the person that spoke to my parents everyday...just because. The one that didn't carry around a mega-ton weight on my chest every second that sat atop a broken and scared heart. You mean the person that prayed daily and put my trust in God. Oh, that ME? Nope - I'm not that person anymore. She's gone; been replaced by someone that even I don't recognize. I question my faith. There are many days that I don't want to go to work or be around other people. I don't want to talk to anyone - there's nothing to say. There are no more dreams ~ they've been replaced by visions of sadness and fear of 'what could happen'. There are days that I feel sad, lonely and nothing at all.

I see the days tick closer to D-day... I know I'll wake up on April 13th with my husband one last time. I know he'll go and serve and return to me. But not the same as the day he left.  He leaves in 2 days for 2 weeks of training, then home for a week, then gone. So when I say 27 days..we only have 8.

I'm not thinking that I'm depressed - just "not me". The thing is - the days are every day ~ the difference is how I deal with the emotions from one to the next.

27 days.

Maybe co-worker should've said - "Hey, that's a nice shade of green".