The Last of the First..

In 2010 we went through our first Easter, first Birthdays, first Anniversaries, first births, first weddings, first Halloween, first Thanksgiving...now Christmas is coming ...the first without my parents. So many 'firsts' without them. After Christmas we will never be able to look back and say, "last year we did this or did that" with Mother and Daddy.

Christmas Eve last year was the last Christmas we would spend with my Mom and Dad. We gathered in my Dad's hospital room (in respite care). Daddy was the only person that didn't know that he was going to die.  So we gathered in true family fashion, gifts in hand. Mom and Dad both decked in red, Daddy with the traditional red Santa hat. Only this time, he couldn't read the names on the gifts well, so I told him each name and he called it out, giving each of us a gift. We all relished in the moment of family togetherness..our last as a whole family. We just didn't realize how broken we would become in the following days. Five days later my Mother died unexpectedly (12/29)..two days after that, my Father (12/31). We buried them together on Jan.3rd. We became instant orphans...no longer any one's children.

Maybe it's the time of year...the specialness that Christmas brought in the past... maybe it's the events of those last few days and weeks - hell, even the year - but I am unable to sleep ~ to stop the thoughts, conversations, what-if's, that haunt my mind when I try to sleep at night. I pray to God each night to quieten my mind  - I don't want to remember Dec. 29th....I don't want to think about New Years Eve...it's painful beyond words and it's still wrong on so many levels.

The last Christmas...