Waivering Faith

I went to church today. It's been a long time - years.  Several years ago we found ourselves leaving a church that had just 'died' ~ there was nothing there but bodies ~ we visited around, not finding the church 'home' we missed and had had at one time and stopped going. I realized that I didn't need to actually go to church to worship so I didn't let it stop me. I stood strong as a Christian and woman after God's own heart.  I stayed firm in my faith throughout 2009 (praying, trusting, reading Scripture, and even witnessing) when Dad's heart attack took us all down a long road that ended with he and Mom both dying.

Afterwards, I became angry and bitter towards God for taking them at a time when I needed them (my husband was getting ready to deploy). Aside from my equally broken family, I was left...behind. I couldn't understand how God would do this to me, to us...how dare He?? All my life I had believed that He was a kind and compassionate God and as long as I served Him, he would Bless me. I felt like I had been duped - I saw just how mean and cruel He could actually be. I lost all Faith..all guidance.

A close friend said to me once when we had this similar conversation about my anger; "maybe God took them, and then your husband deploys..so you'd only have Him to turn to...only Him to lean on". My immediate words out of my mouth was 'then that's just cruel'. In my wildest dreams and years of being a Christian I never once considered God to be cruel - but I can honestly say that I felt that way. How could He do that? Why would he do that? How could He say that He loves us and then cause such pain and loss? It just didn't seem fair...it still doesn't and I suspect it never will.

I stopped reading my Bible and no longer prayed. What good would prayer do? When I did try to pray my words were angry words, full of bitterness and distrust of Him. He had let me down in the most horrible way. In September I began to pray again - having chats was more like it - every morning on the drive to the gym or work. Some chats were so full of bitterness that I'm surprised He didn't strike my car down some mornings. But I didn't waiver....I may not have fully trusted  Him...but I prayed nonetheless.

I'd been feeling the tug of going to church for a while and had ignored it. I just didn't think I could walk through the doors and have the same faith and hope that I once had ~ I'm different now. I woke up this morning with going to a familiar church on my heart...I got up and I went to the gym first thing....I'll ignore the feeling. Once I got home I watched the clock tick..."well, worship service starts in an hour and there's no way I'd make it". "If I'm not ready by 10:25 then I'm not going". I took a shower, got dressed and had 10 minutes to spare - damn. I found myself out of reasons and excuses.

I drove the few miles to the church with my stomach knotted up and I felt sick - I just didn't think I could do this. I just wasn't sure that I could let down this wall I had built around my spiritual heart...I didn't know if I wanted to. But I went anyway.

The message was about Destiny...how ironic. I found my bitter self couldn't rest and let my heart just go with it - but I stuck it out. In the sermon I would hear talk of love and peace and my head is screaming...bullshit! They sang familiar hymns that years ago I would've been belting out along with everyone...this time I sat quietly while I rolled my eyes on the inside: "Shout to the Lord" - I wanted to scream at Him. "How Mighty is Our God"- pretty damn mighty...He's mighty enough to crush your Soul. I went through the service fighting the 'fight or flee' feeling. I stayed. Does that mean that I stayed to fight what was inside of me? I don't know, but I stayed. The minute the last prayer was spoken I was the first out the door - I didn't want anyone talking to me. Once outside I took in a deep breath...air...fresh air! As I drove home I turned to God again and said "Satisfied"?

I think He said "YES".