Sing with me Now....

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hal..le..lu..jah!

This my Friends in Blogland, is how I feel this morning!

This tummy tuck recovery has been a real bitch! Not only has it been uncomfortable 90% of the time, but I haven't slept worth shit,  I've been swollen so bad in my hips, my back and lower abs, I've had to go back to relying on my binder full time and  ...well - I end up whining all the freaking time! Just ask my husband! Trust me when I say...I even annoy myself with my constant whining and complaining!

So last Friday morning I did what any other person in the Universe would do in this situation - I hit Google wide open. Surely to goodness I'm doing this recovery thing all wrong; what am I missing?? Why do I feel like I'm not progressing?

I hit pay dirt when I came across the blog of a fellow sister tummy-tucker! She's about 2 1/2 years out from her surgery and looks a-m-a-z-i-n-g! So I went back in time to when she was at 8-9 weeks (like I am now) and low and behold - I'm NORMAL! She also mentioned that her turning point came by way of a Lymphatic Drainage Massage. 

Another Google or two later and I located the ONLY Massage Therapist Board Certified to do LDM in the entire STATE - IN MY TOWN!

Talk about Divine intervention!

As quick as I could dial the number I was in like Flin! Yesterday I had my 60 minute session. I arrived stiff from pain and discomfort and left without it! I slept restlessly last night (nothing new) and woke this morning with energy and virtually

PAIN FREE.

I even got up and went to the gym - which I haven't been up to doing in more than a week. Other than a little soreness in a couple of key recovery areas, (and I'm not wearing my binder), I'm feeling great!

I swear by all things holy...there is value in Blogging, my Friends! Had one woman not taken time to document her recovery I would not be feeling like I do right this very minute! VALUE I tell ya!

Peace!

Nothing about Nothing...

This is how I feel! I have a blog and I love to blog...but lately I can't find the words to Blog about. Things happen randomly throughout my day and I think..."I should TOTALLY blog about that!" - or Rich and I have a moment of sheer entertainment and I snarkly say to him.."Don't make me Blog about this/that". And then, BAM - I can't remember any of it, or the potential content suddenly seems lame a few hours later.

Sometimes I write about how I'm feeling...but is that really interesting? I could say a thousand times a day how lost, hardened and utterly deeply I feel about not having my parents alive - but that's every day..and some days its more intense than others - so it's nothing new, and frankly - I know I need to start moving past it (and I'm REALLY trying). - it's probably boring to others.

 I could write about the stupidity of my job and how it pains me to actually feel dumbed down, professionally underutilized, and how my professional self-esteem has been drained by the monotiny..but the flip side is that I have a well paying job amid a declining economy; so I'm lucky to have a boring job to go to.

I could blog about my fabulous kids and grandkids..but I really am not all that comfortable pulling them into my blog since they haven't asked to be 'exposed'.

I could write about my tummy tuck recovery - haven't I done that and thrown in a few pictures? OH, BTW...I'm going today to have a Lymphatic Drainage massage that I HOPE will give me some relief of some intense pain and swelling!!!!

I could write about my awesome, amazing and studly husband - but the kids would spend the day retching over the toilet and his co-workers would never let him hear the end of it!

And sometimes I fill that there are just no words in my head.....nothing...hollow...crickets chirping emptiness. Then I find myself thinking - why the fuck am I NOT thinking a damn thing? Is that normal? To not be thinking about ANYTHING??

See what I mean??? Too much but not enough to write about. So I'm stuck with Blog Writer's Block and I'm not sure how to get over the hump.

Peace!

Don't you hate when....

- You get up in a good mood
- You know just excatly what you will wear as soon as you get in the shower
- You do hair and makeup and feel pretty damn great about how that all went
- You get dress and YES...you feel good about what you picked out!
- You get to work, feeling confident and ready for the day
- The first person you see says/asks.....

Person: "Do you feel okay? You look like you don't feel well?"
Me: "No, I feel great"
Person: "Oh, okay...you just look tired" <<< They leave my office>>>>

Me - I get out my mirror..look at myself. Well, maybe my eyes look tired (put in eye drops), maybe I look washed out (apply a more red lipstick).

:o( 

I feel defeated

Dear Mom & Dad...

I miss you so much!

Trail of Tears

Friday afternoon Rich and I  geared up and headed to Chattanooga, TN for the annual Trail of Tears motorcycle ride. The 2 1/2 ride was not bad and the weather held up wonderfully. I was a bit concerned about how I would do on the trip at 7 weeks out of surgery, but I held on and did great!

The Trail of Tears ride commemorates the plight of the Native Americans who were forced out of GA/TN to Oklahoma. 17,000 Indians began their walk and 13,000 made it to their destination. The motorcycle ride we took part in follows only one removal routes that the Cherokee Nation had to endure.

(Getting ready to leave)

This is the fourth year that we have ridden in this event along with 10,000-13,000 other motorcyclist. We lined up early and headed out at 8am sharp Saturday morning.

There is just such a 'brotherhood' and respect among riders and a feeling of surrealness as we made our way across Southern Tennessee into Alabama.

(Making our way up the Swanee Mountain - Saturday morning)

The Swanee mountain pass is beautiful but full of sharp curves. Unfortunately we came upon a motorcycle wreck in one of the curves not long after this picture was taken. As we passed the scene and I saw the two bodies laying on the side of the road. In tight situations like this you can't stop and you can't rubberneck - the downed riders had others caring for them until help could arrive; with stomachs turning we kept our eyes on the road, said a quick prayer and continued on.

(Rich and Todd)

After encountering one more accident along the way, we finally arrived at our first stop 4 hours later. We met up with our friend Todd and his brother & Dad. Rich and Todd were deployed together, Todd was the commander of the team  - the team was separated and Todd served his year at another base from Rich. He and his lovely wife have become good friends of ours and I always enjoy seeing them whenever we get the chance.

After a quick lunch we were back on the road again, heading to Florence, AL (my hometown).

 (Bikes as far as the eye could see - in front of us and behind us)

 (The man in the mirror)

(This is what I looked at for 6 hours)

The ride ended in Florence; although some folks went on the Waterloo (another historical location for the Indians - here many were loaded into boats and endured severe conditions on their journey to OK), but we opted to end our ride in my hometown. After a walk around, looking at the vendor wares and watching some pow-wow dancing, Rich and I saddled up and headed back to the Rocket City.

My body payed for the fun Sunday and yesterday but it sure was a nice event and a great time with my husband.

Peace!

In the Still of the Night...

I watched television in bed last night as my husband slept beside me. In the glow of the screen I looked at the man I married almost 14 years ago. His breathing was steady and true, his features softened by sleep. I reached out and ran my hand through his short military haircut and it hit me.


I am so in love with this man and I am happier than I've ever been!

Peace!

Ta-Daaaaa......

Okay..it's been 6 weeks since surgery and I KNOW that you have been on pins and needles waiting for the big post-surgery reveal. I've waited this long to give me a little more healing time and swelling to go down but NOW I think I'm ready.

So...without further ado (sorry Colonel - if you are reading this...it may be more than you want to know about your FRG Leader!)....

Ta-Daaaaaa.

 BEFORE #1

AFTER #1 

(notice that the moles on the left are lower now?)
The red  and marks around my waist and under my new belly button is from the binder I wore today.

BEFORE #2

AFTER #2

I still have some swelling in going on in the hips and lower tummy area; it'll take a couple of months for it to go down. 

A little Q&A for you:

1. Did it hurt? Well, hell yeah it hurt!
2. Did it hurt more or less than you thought it would? It just just like I figured it would.
3. How much time did you take off work? 2 1/2 weeks, but should have taken the full 3 weeks.
4. What was the worst part about  recovery? Hmmm, I think pooping, followed by having the drains!
5. What was the best part about recovery? Pooping and Getting the drains out!Oh, and being able to take a shower!
6. Are you glad you did it? Every day - even when I was at my worst!
7. Have you bought skinny clothes yet? Um...NO. My ass is still a size 10/12...that didn't change. My clothes just fit better.
8. Would you do it again knowing what you went through? Definitely. Rich may think twice about it because he had to do everything for me!
9. Are you still sore? Yeah, I'm sore in my abs, hips and back (from the lipo).
10. Do you have a big scar? Yes, it goes from hip to hip and is just under the top of my panty line. It will fade out and become lower over time.
11. Was it expensive? Oh yeah..........

So, there it is - there I am....

Peace

Roll Tide and all that Jazz!

I am not a sports fan. Well, let me take that back a few steps....I am not a sports fanatic! I will watch racing, college football,  maybe a little baseball (even MMA and Golf) IF it's on but I don't actively seek out any sport. My husband is the same way (thank goodness) - then again he will seek out GOLF every once in awhile. We sooo don't follow sports that we have to be told when there is a 'major' game or event on and who's playing (even the Super Bowl).

In Alabama you are either an Alabama fan or an Auburn fan. Major decisions are based upon where your allegiance lies (jobs, whether you are invited to the family reunion, what side of the street you will live on). There is a lady that I work with who wears an Alabama shirt every single Friday (casual Friday) and has for the 3 1/2 years that I've worked there.; she said that Auburn fans weren't allowed at her home at all - and she actually means it. As an Alabama native I have never placed my flag on either side of the state.

True-Blue College Football fans are just a few yards away from C-R-A-Z-Y - and I say that lovingly. I know several of them and still love being around them! Their enthusiasm and passion for the pigskin just makes me smile, laugh and even stunned to silence!

This Saturday I had my first taste of true College Football game watching - food filled Tailgating (yep, my very first!). This group of great folks were all Tide fans! Alabama memorabilia was spattered throughout the house, on the walls, in the paint color in the kitchen, in decorations, and even on cookies. There were TVs strategically set-up inside and outside...these folks don't play any other way! I took a backseat to watch the scenery as grown men and women jumped, screamed, yelled and cheered along through four quarters. At one point there was a hat thrown and a door slammed in disgust. When Alabama scored a round-robin of high-fives and some kissing among the couples occurred. Even a 2 year old was yelling "Roll Tide Roll"! That was too cute!

Once the game was over and 'we' won, people began to gather up their families and leave. Hugging all around, "see you later" or "nice to meet you", followed by "Roll Tide" exchanges. I almost think that when we got there we were greeted with "Roll Tide" at introduction time...

Anywhoo....it was a great Saturday and a great first hand experience of tailgating!

There is a Season

I saw a tree this morning with leaves starting to turn. It's a sign a Fall...the end of Summer. A new season. A new change. There have been six seasons since Mom and Dad died. Each one that came and went brought about a change of some kind for us that were left to mourn them. Seasons brought separation, reunion, weddings, babies, new opportunities and loss.

We stood strong through those seasons; it was a great ride! As Summer ended recently and the mark of Autumn/Fall showed itself on the horizon, another change occurred. The force that has broken us struck with fury and her truth was revealed. There is a surprise that it took as long as it did to break us; as we were never really strong together without them. To isolate has been the goal and her success is proven.

Words spoken in anger reveal all truths; cause wounds ~ even the words between the lines. You can't take them back or erase them once they are spoken. They also reveal that the words of love, family and friendship spoken before were all lies. That hurts the most...that was the plan I guess. We've spoken harshly and not at all through the years..finally there came a break and I was drawn in to the warmth of friendship and familial respect/love. Finally..a mutual place..peace..harmony..love. When the rain fell and washed away the tissue-paper veil there was a realization that it wasn't as real as I thought. This season didn't bring anger from me, just a feeling of loss again at what I thought was true. It wasn't.

Seasons come.
Seasons go.

Take Me to Funkytown..

I

Am

In

A

Funk

Not just a general funk..but a real, full-blown, funky funk. I'm so over this recovery business that I could just scream (except it would hurt). I'm ready to be not be sore anymore.. to not wear a binder anymore...did I say feeling sore? I'm further along as I was yesterday or even 5 weeks ago, but I'm anxious to get this fast-tracked to O-V-E-R and feel normal again.

Rich being gone on a business trip has me in a funk. It's not deployment, it's not even for a long time..but not having him in my space really blows. I think I have a side-effect from his deployment where I just feel lost when he's gone on any kind of travel. I NEVER used to be this way before deployment!

I miss having girlfriends...wait, I've never really had those..wait, I take that back.. I did have one once.  Sometimes I just really, really want a girlfriend to just talk to - like talk to-talk to. Someone to force (and bribe with lunch) to go shopping with me to help me find just the right clothes (I hate to shop with a purple passion so Rich gets the shopping job when he's available). I want a girlfriend that I can vent to and that will agree with me about everything because she's my girlfriend - or tell me the flat out truth for the same reason. I have my husband for all of these things but there is just something about having another female to talk to, shop with and hang out with.

I'm in a funk over a combination of missing my folks and family issues. Why they ever died and left us with such a disfunctional family dynamic is completely beyond me. Then again, with our dysfunctional family dynamic as it is, maybe they were on to something. I miss my sister. I miss the relationship I wish I had with my brothers, but am grateful that we have one at all.

I'm in a funk because it's overcast outside. I could use a ray of sunshine today. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm in a funk just because I can be in a funk for no other reason.

"Won't you take me to

Funkytown

Won't you take me to

Funkytown

Gotta make a move to a

Town that's right for me

Town to keep me movin'

Keep me groovin' with some energy"

Peace!

Oh, the Conversations in My Head..

There are many people without filters on their mouth. They are able to say what they want, when they want, to whom they want, and without any regard for anyone in earshot. If someone pisses them off or hurts their feelings, all bets are off and the verbal assault is on. I actually admire them for their devil-may-care attitude ~ unless it's directed at me!

I am not like this. As a matter of fact, unless pushed to the very end of my tolerance cliff, I generally will not begin or participate in a verbal tirade with another person. That's not to say that I'm weak and will just take and take from someone that has offended me, it just means that I can control my mouth. I get that from my Mother!

Now...my head is a different story.

This past week has been a toughie for me...on 2 occasions I have been hurt that turned to anger, on another I have been in a mixture of grief/anger. As much as I wish I was a total stark-raving bitch, I've control myself quite well I think. My sister once called it going into my "HR-mode"...maybe she's right. As much as I would LOVE to let loose and verbally (or physically) strip the skin right off of those that hurt/angered me, I realize that I'm a damn adult and expending that much energy towards someone only benefits the other person because 'they got to me' or 'got even', I guess. That's also not to say that I didn't find one of the offenders on FB and send them a point blank message about how her immature actions have impacted me. It wasn't an angry cuss-wording-filled tirade (why bother?), but it was direct. And it's also not to say that I didn't send a nice thoughtful note to another offender. I can be a bitch with kindness dripping from my fangs!

In my head though...I can do some damage. I hold one-sided conversations with these people and let loose with both barrels blazing. It's a deadly sick place up there between my ears! I can come up with some scary shit to say to someone if given the chance to finally say whatever the hell I want. It would literally change lives and have wild animals scurrying for shelter! When I hear stupid crap that someone says indirectly about me, my tongue does not release the venom lurking in my mouth; instead I may spout out something tame'ish and assault them with horrific thoughts of dismemberment in silent thought!

Oh..yes, it's a terrible place to be and sometimes I scare the hell out of myself!

Why this post today? Well, I was driving into work thinking about something someone said about me - I don't care enough to address the person directly so in my head I told him all of the things I wanted to say...and I feel better now! AND NOOOOOOO..it was not my wonderful, awesome husband!

(p.s. - Rich & kids...for the record NOTHING has happened today to bring about this post. It's just what I wanted to write about.).

Peace!

How Do I Celebrate?

How do I celebrate a day that brings so much sorrow?

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would be 70, if death had not taken her away so suddenly that morning in December 2009. Like so many people - I, too, had the most wonderful Mother in the World! She was beautiful beyond all measure inside and out. She loved me (and my brothers and sister) with every breath she took.

Today reminds me of how much I miss her.

I miss holding her hand, I miss kissing her lips in the way a child kisses their Mother (except I never grew out of that), I miss watching her put on her makeup - even as an adult I would stand at the hallway mirror and watch her, I miss how she would drink coffee up until bedtime and then sleep like a baby, I miss watching her giggle like a school girl over something sparkly and gaudy. I miss seeing her kiss my Dad (I miss him too). I miss calling her every single day and how we would talk for a second or for ever. I miss how she hated to cook and how when we were growing up that Dad would hate when it was Banquet chicken night! I miss her voice and hearing her tell me that she loves me. I miss being a little girl and playing with her long fingernails that were usually painted red. I miss how beautifully she sang gospel songs.

I miss how she laughed....Oh, god...I miss hearing her laugh!

I miss her from the depths of my soul to the outer layer of my skin. My body aches to touch her and hug her again.

I Love you Mom! Happy Birthday!