Back to What I Know..

I woke about 4:45 this morning and began to blog in my head. "Writing" word for word what I wanted to say and what I hoped to convey to myself. 3 hours later I wish I would've gotten up and put my words to blog. Now my thoughts are so jumbled and I'm not sure where to start...I just know that I have got to turn back to the one place where I can get my real thoughts/feelings/fears/anger out of my head..and that is here to my 'safe zone"...my blog

Several weeks ago my husband and I were sitting along the ocean shore, feet in the sand, just listening to the waves and the wind. It was so beautiful and peaceful, but inside I was a hot mess and have been for such a long time. I broke the silence and told my husband that when we returned home I was going to seek counseling to find ways to deal with the unresolved feelings (grief, sadness, anger, emptiness,..) that resulted from my parents' death followed by his deployment four days later (4.5 months away for pre-D training then deployment). I thought once he returned 1.5 years ago that I would automatically feel complete and healed from the trauma of both events, but in all honesty with myself and him, I'm not.

I have found ways to suck it up and keep going, I've found times of happiness and joy, and I've found ways to stuff the residual after-effects further inside my heart and head. There are days I can actually feel myself being pulled back to those empty days of deployment - when I was without my parents, my husband, my best friend that lives next door; my children and siblings so broken and traumatized too that we couldn't even be there to hold each other up....the sorrow and bitterness just lingers and stands in my way of finding solace and peace. I am no longer strong enough to head those times off on my own because I haven't 'dealt" with them.

After our Florida trip I check at my new job to see if we offered an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - aka..counseling... we do not. I'm not affiliated with a church so I don't have a clergyman to turn too - then again, some of my anger is directed at God, not sure it's wise to turn to a minister.

The only place I feel like I'm left to turn to is my blog.

So, blog-counseling begins....

Peace