MOS to the Rescue!

It's no secret that a series of event over the last 3 years has played the mambo with my emotional well-being. It has only been in the past year that the built-up and repressed sense of grief and loss that I had been stuffing down - from a variety of situations, big and small - began to fill me up so quickly and surprisingly that I've struggled to put all of the shattered pieces on "Me" back together. One recent event was one drop too much and I started to spill over ~ I could no longer control the intense and overwhelming sadness and tears. I even missed a day of work last week because I could not stop crying and could not bring myself to leave my house.

I knew the time had come...I spent days going over my Company's benefits for counseling, making calls, and crying. In the end I found out that my company does not offer a reasonable benefit for counseling services. I was a desperate mess and knew that I had reached the end of what made me functional. My ability to 'fake' being in control and put together was all gone.

I then remembered Military One Source. I called. I struggle through getting my words out to the counseling assistant support; I didn't know where to begin or where to end. I just spilled it and let her try and make sense out of what I was saying. In the end I was given 12 FREE visits to a local counselor. If after 2 visits I don't feel that there is a 'connection' I need only to call MOS back and they will find another one and my 12 visits starts all over.

My first appointment was yesterday. It went well. I feel that I have been matched with just the right counselor who understands each broken piece and will help me figure out how to put Me back together.

Peace

Hope in Tomorrow

I haven't blogged since the 5th...I have not had the words, energy or drive to put into written word what is going on inside my head..my heart...

I am no longer comfortable confiding in those closest to me, other than Rich, to talk about what is really there...so I don't. I wear him out making him my best friend, my confidant, my everything. The burden is so heavy that I try to not talk to him very much... it is not fair to my husband. Without a close network of friends to talk to... Really talk to.. I tend to rely too much on Rich to help me through the rough times more than he signed up for.

Tomorrow I begin a journey into long awaited (and needed) counseling.

Peace

It Will Pass

I have been choked for three days now.

Grief

Loss

Lonliness (even among a crowd)

Lost

All I can do is cry.
I cried all day at work yesterday.
I cried myself to sleep last night and cried myself awake.

The thought of going to work and interacting with anyone was too overwhelming today - I am literally working remote.

I don't want to talk about it - there are no words right now to say or hear.

Unless you are me...you won't understand.

It will pass.

It will pass.