The First Last Goodbye

This morning my husband and I shared our standard three consecutive kisses in the parking lot of the armory. These kisses represented our first last goodbye as pre-deployment training began. The period of time leading up to "popping smoke" or boots on the ground....is some of the most excrutiating of deployment. He leaves for weeks, comes home, leaves for weeks, comes home...until. With each hello a goodbye is coming. We grab hold of every single time together but we both are ready to kick this thing off. Recovery from the "leaving" is so much easier than the build up. 

Pre-deployment is a time that brings random and silent tears as I look ahead at the days, weeks, months that lie ahead; how will I do THIS again with 2 homes, two dogs, a cat, a job and the bill management... and still remain strong for the rest of my family (some who are also going through deployment for the first time within their own little family unit).

Four years ago deployment came within a week of losing my parents and I was a broken, broken woman. I didn't  fully experience the deployment in the way other military spouses do. I was just a tragic shell of nothingness; while I missed my husband I can't  honestly say that I acknowledge he was even gone. Had he been home, I wouldn't have even noticed....I was that far gone. NOW is a different time with nothing to buffer the grief that comes with deployment separation. With each tear I feel the loss that is coming, deployment brain is setting in and my brain is all scrambled with overwhelming anxiety.

I know I am not alone, I have friends, family and a network of people who love me and will be here each step of the way. The loneliness that comes at night is he time when no one can help. When I reach out my foot to touch his foot I won't  find him there under the covers. The bed that causes my internal temperature to rise to 500 degrees at night when I lay next to my husband for 5 minutes max, will not get above 65 degrees when I am alone. I will wear pajama pants and socks under my gown to try and break the endless chill. My morning routine will become mundane...the silence will be deafening.

We will get through this...just one more time. One more last kiss.
One more last goodbye.

Peace