The Dark Days

I still have them...just without drinking through them. Sometime I wish I could, but it's not an option if I want to live.

Peace

Walking the Aisle

I wanted to drink an hour ago. After an emotional cry and heavy-hearted, I did what any alcoholic avoids ..... I walked the booze aisle at Publix. Oh, my old friends, I've missed seeing them. I wanted to run my hands across the bottles wine and read the labels. I wanted to go back in time 5 1/2 years and erase the sobriety I have fought to maintain. I envisioned selecting a bottle of wine for my cart....what would it taste like, after all of these years of 12-stepping?  Would the obsession in my mind start a craving in my body?  I remember those cravings, the obsession, the cost, the climb from rock bottom. Yet, I still wanted the drink today.

I wanted it - still do.

The struggle is real!

September Already?

How in the world did it get to be September? Wasn't it JUST February?

I'm sitting here on the back porch, coffee within reach, listening to the sound of the fan blowng and a random bird chirping. It's relatively quiet and kinda peaceful.  It's Labor Day - no plans, expectations or obligations await the day. Without a plan I am sitting here thinking, "Shit, this is a tad boring"...but then I thought..."wow, how awesome to just BE".

Just BE - what does that even mean to me? When I reflect on that I realize that I have no earthly idea how to just relax and let the day unfold as it does without any help from me. Am I lazy?  Maybe. But in a good way.  I spend countless days wishing for these moments of nothingness and when I finally get them I feel like I should be doing something to fill the minutes.  Isn't it okay to take minutes and just enjoy that I have them and let that be enough?

A work I am co-worker, manager, and liason. At home I am wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend.  There is a deep pull to happily balance every single person and responsibility at once while sacrificing Renee; the person behind the person.  I have forgotten, or not noticed, that Renee actually exists somewhere amid the busy chaotic lifestyle that is my life.

It's September. Leaves will start to change as the seasons morphe to another. It's time to morphe with the colors of red, orange and yellow and take times of self-care and selfishness and just BE. Just BE and learn to love myself - to Life myself - to be in love with Renee so that I can honestly give my love to those I love!

Peace, Love and Coffee!

It Was Just A Dream

Do you remember back when one whole season of Dallas ended up being a dream?
No? Then I have just dated myself in a major way!

I find that I dream A LOT! And there are some dream I have many times over, and some that I can't seem to get out of even after waking up to go pee in the middle of the night. Nope, I close my eyes and I pick up where I left off. Oh, talk about peeing, because I brought it up, I find that sometimes I dream that I can't stop needing to Lee but not much comes out. Or that I can't find a bathroom.....all this means is that I really need to wake up and go pee!  (When I type the word "pee" it auto-corrects to "Lee" 😂

Back to dreaming...after 21 years of marriage I STILL dream my husband is having an affair, had one and just disclosed it, or that I've caught him with his hands in someone else's cookie jar! I hate those dreams...and then I wake up all pissed and wondering if there is any insecurity I am having. Last night I dreamed I caught him in a lie about an affair and he cried like a baby for forgiveness....then at confessing time he disclosed there had been three (2 women and a man). WTH....

Seriously...What-the-hell???? I told him, in the dream, he could pound sand and that everyone we have ever know would know the reason for our divorce.  No "irreconcilable differences" here, on no....full disclosure baby!!! I took pleasure in the humiliation.

Why? What do those dreams mean? Other than to serve as a reminder to my husband that I would make his life hell before, during and afterwards if he went there!

What happened to dreaming about flying and secret passageways in my grandmother's house that never existed in real life?

Peace, Love and Sweet Dreams only,
Renee

Wind Chimes on the Back Porch

It's Thursday afternoon and I find myself on the back porch, booted foot elevated, working...not working...working again. The windchimes are dancing and singing.

I miss my Mom.

Peace

Life 5.0

Has it REALLY been years since I’ve logged in to plunk out a post?
Geesh.... ya’ll!

As I sit here on my porch (wearing the boot of shame as a result of my utter clumsiness) I came across the link to my blog. I hadn’t forgotten about it... seriously... I just took an extended Life break. And what a life break it has been.

 I think the last few post that I published talked about moving to the lake house, my husband returning from deployment, and us learning how to be a married couple again. Well, life took a turn and we moved on. No, Rich and I did not move apart but I made some life changes that were very critical not only in our marriage but in my life.

After struggling for many years with my drinking, March 20, 2017 I walked into my first AA meeting. I’ve been sober every day since . I had to learn that I drink not out of grief, out of loneliness, out of excitement, or out of boredom, but because My name is Renee and I’m an alcoholic. I had spent years fooling myself that I was just a casual drinker but in reality there was nothing casual about me when I picked up the bottle. My sobriety journey will definitely be shared in future post so just hold onto your hats friends.

As part of my journey it meant that we needed to move away from the lake house that we love so much. The isolation for me was just unbearable and I was not able to come to terms with being so far away from Civilization. So Rich and I set about building our final home  A little over a year ago. We bought some land and built a house that not only we love, but our family loves as well. It’s just Rich and I here, which is so unusual for us, but we like the peacefulness in the quietness and knowing this is the home that we will stay in as long as we’re given the chance.

I’m not even sure I remember how to blog And I’m hoping that I can remember how to post it. I can’t remember how to add pictures Or links, so this will be a learning experience all over for me. But for some reason I’m excited about this opportunity to put my thoughts and my life back out there because each day I’m grateful to be able to exhale.

Peace and Love

(Blowing the Mic.....)

Hello...... (echo.....echo....)
Anyone here? (echo.....echo)

Hi, my name is Renee and I used to be a blogger.
Kinda.....sorta. Once upon a time and space.

I'm not sure what happened to me. I  was walking alone on main street in Blogville when a bus came along and stopped for me. Weird, because I wasn't waiting on a bus. The doors swung open and before I could tell myself this was a baaaaad idea, I was on-board. Amid the familiar and unfamiliar faces that once lived in Blogville, I sat down and watched Blogville get smaller in the distance. After what seemed like for hours, we finally stopped at a place called Life. We got off to pee, grab a bite to eat, a cup of joe...before heading back out to....I'm not even sure. Just as I turned to get back on the bus the doors shut. I ran and yelled but I had been left behind. Damn that  cinnamon roll that I just had to have!!!

I turned my back to the dusty road, defeated and weakened by a cinnamon roll. I have no idea how I got there or where I was, but here I was....in Life.

That's why I haven't blogged....I've been stuck in Life.

Peace

Moving on Down the Road

We did it....we moved to our little lake home in Tennessee! The larger home is on the market and we are loving the serenity of lake living. The drive in to work is a bit longer, but the view is just awesome!

The only concern right now is the stench of rodent death coming from the pantry. Locating the deceased is a project for tomorrow 😆

Peace

Turning 50

Today is my birthday. My 50th birthday....
It's  been a great day full of friends and family to help me celebrate this milestone! Truly is have blessed beyond measure with such a great support system...near and far. Today marks a significant point in my life's journey.

I am 50 years old! I will never see another 50 years. The Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I will have another 30 good years left. I will live to see my grandchildren's  children and walk hand in hand with my handsome husband as we help each other maneuver our flailing bodies. There is a morbid significance in knowing that more than half of my life span is over and I don't even know where the years went. How did I get here...at this age...?

Today marked the beginning of the new phase of living for me. Where I spent 50 years seeking love, approval, respect, career, friends, and chasing family relationships, I enter this new age claiming the "Serenity Prayers my moto:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

With little time left in this life, I will be selfish and frugal with time and myself. I am loved by so many...truly loved. I know who they are and I reciprocate the unconditional love that I receive. I no longer need to seek approval, love, friendship, or respect from anyone....there are no conditions I feel I need to meet anymore. One-sided relationships no longer fit in my life - they take away my time and attention that need to be placed on  those who willingly give and receive.

I want each moment moving forward to count...each second. It won't be wasted. I am no longer afraid of what people may think of me...what I think of me is what matters. My self worth will no longer be measured by my body type, how many "friends" I have on FB, how many wrinkles I have or my double chin. I am  beautifully designed and I am loved and accepted by people who love me just the way I am.

There is no room left for pettiness. No room  for wasted moments.

50 years came so damn fast.....30 will be a blink.

Peace

I Hate Yard Sales

Well, I actually love going to them, but I HATE having a yard sale. Alas, I am sitting here, in the cold, with my stuff posing just right begging people to show up and take it all away! In 1 1/2 hours I have made $15. Where are the people?????? Don't they know own that I have good stuff for cheap, cheap, cheap? Stuff that cannot go back in my house under any circumstances. Nope...it's all gotta go.

Peace

We Are Doing It

Rich and I have made a monumental decision.....we will begin interviewing realtors tomorrow evening to choose the right person to list our primary home. While I have felt this was a positive direction for a while, I needed my husband to draw his own conclusion, which he did.

We are both looking forward to selling our larger home and becoming full time residents of the lake house community. I did a great deal of downsizing while Rich was deployed but still have a little work remaining...and Rich has a few pre-listing projects to complete.

I am so very excited for us and am looking forward to this new chapter.

Peacr

Hop, Skip & a Jump

What a weird title for the post. It's just what came to mind at this very moment. Rich and I are somewhere west of Memphis, a mere 37,000 feet up, flying home from a visit to the west coast. Piled I like sardines with no much to that passes the time, thinking is just about  the entertainment for the moment.

I love to travel but going home is the best part...the only part...that I love about leaving.

Peace

On The List

"Write a blog post" - this is on my list of things to do today. Well, it was on the list yesterday ... but it got bumped. Such is the way of the world. I have forgotten what it's like to just sit down and write without any agenda whatsoever. Kinda feels nice.

The last couple of weeks have flown buy and my love and I are still working our way through reintegration. Sometimes it seems like "just like old times" and other times we recognize that we are each different and different with each other. Our normal is new and we are finding our way through intimacy both in the bedroom and out. While Deployment is a bitch.... reintegration is even more so. It doesn't matter where or for how long, separations and getting back to a new normal are tough. Enough said!

Tomorrow morning Rich and I hop a plane for the West Coast and a visit with the California kids. It will be a nice time and they are all eager to get their dose of my husband. The trips out there are often an emotional struggle for me but I keep myself tuned in  and find my enjoyment once I arrived. Not long ago I was overwhelmed with feeling like I have been played and put in my place....my feelings were hurt and my heart hurt; this trip, and all others to California are not about me,  but most importantly they are about my truly amazing husband.

On the horizon is some work around the houses and falling into some pretty major fishing adventures! The other day we popped the grandkids tents next to the lake and laid down in one of them with two of our grandchildren. That was the coolest moment ever...just laying there, listening to the wind and the trees dancing. The kids were happy and we were happy with them.

I miss this blogging thing. Very much. It's high time to get it back on track and off the list!

Peace

Return of Love

After many days, nights, months without him, deployment ended and the celebration of return began.

My man is home!!!!!!

Reintegration is in motion and we have the joy and laughter of finding our groove again. The smell of a foreign  land has been washed away from his clothes and body and replaced with Arm & Hammer and Snuggle fabric softener. I love that there is a man in  my shower and in my space. His tennis shoes are sitting in the bathroom floor where he left them after the gym this morning .... his toothbrush on the edge of his sink.

The return of love.... my love....his love....our story.

I love it!

I love him!

Peace

Can I Get An Amen?

Hallelujah this deployment is OVER. Done. Finito. In the bag. Waving from the back window of a speeding car!

My best guy isn't home yet, but he is not 'there'....and that is almost good enough. Ya'll, this deployment has sucked in a major way (can I get a witness?). This girl was not put on this earth of walk alone. Nope, I need my guy holding my hand and walking right beside me...shaking his head at me and telling me what a hot mess I am.

I go bat-shit crazy by myself. I behave irrationally and scare my friends and family. The dogs think I am getting ready to audition for the starring role in "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, part 2" or the "Sybil" remake. Whichever makes me seem more challenging. Now, hold your horses...I am not speaking derogatory towards anyone with true challenges....just making a correlation. I don't have the time nor energy to pacify anyone riding the PC bus. Do.  NOT. GO. There.

I am the spouse of a (returning) deployed soldier..I am allowed to swagger around toting my crazy in my Vera.

Okay...let's all breath. Exhale with me..no wimping out.

Peace

Dear Mom

I miss you so much.

My heart aches for you everyday...some days more than others.
Like today.

I wish I could roll back time, knowing what I know now, and save you. Without Daddy by your side, I would only be saving myself this incredible grief, but I would do it just to keep you with me. I would have been selfish that way because I know how it feels to live without you too.

I miss you.

Peace

Last Saturday Night?

This could possibly be the last Saturday night that I slid under the covers of my bed...without my husband by my side.
Possibly. 
Maybe.

Not likely.
But I'm hopefully optimistic.

Peace

Dear Alice....

I wish that I could do this - make a "Final" decision and stick to it.

But, honestly....I can't.

I realize that I miss my friend...my confidant, my 'go to' when I needed to talk and just be heard without fear of judgment. I missed my personal place where I could let my crazy run wild and free. I missed the home that I made within the lines of my page. My stool in the closet where I could sit and cry or think. I found myself grieving for my voice more than I ever imagined I would.

I missed my Blog.
I wanted to stop. I really, really WANTED to stop.

I convinced myself that it was time...for the best...to move on. I thought the words had ceased to exist inside of me and there was nothing left for me in this space of Blogville ~ not realizing that it was just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one.

I was wrong.

This IS my place, and my story is never-ending. There will always be something that I want to share with no one else but me. There will forever be stories, and laughter, and sadness, and joy that I cannot...and should not...contain, lest I burst all of my crazy seams.

So, I inhale again - but this time it is a sweet inhale.

I Have Exhaled

I've  heard it said that 'when you know.....you just know'.

My friends...I just know.

After 6 years of blogging and sharing my story along the way, I have decided to end my blog right here...right now. Instead of putting my life into words, I will now focus on putting my life into action.

All 6 years of posts have been unpublished...good memories.

There is no long drawn out Good-bye...

I have exhaled.

It's just The End.

Peace

Acts of Kindness

My mother taught me to be loving, kind and giving. I have to admit that I love this inherited quality about myself because it gives me such happiness to give to those that I love. Not only monetarily, but emotionally. As wonderful as this trait is, it is also a curse.

I have a difficult time NOT being loving, kind and giving...even when I know it will never be reciprocated or appreciated. It's in those moments when I end up with hurt feelings and a dampened spirit....not that I expect anything in return, but because I guess I do..

As much as I say "never again" I know it is not within me to stop giving love, showing kindness and giving to others. It is my nature...who is was designed to be. And sometimes.....just sometimes....I am an easy target to be taken advantage of, to be unappreciated, to be overlooked.

I am blessed with family and friends that return my efforts with so much love that my soul is continually fed. I also acknowledge that I have people in my life who take but never replenish. For those people, the well is drawing empty and soon there will nothing left to give. It has happened before and relationships have ended.

Peace