I Had a Dream..

Day 26.

I had a dream last night... it was a nightmare, really. Dreams are made off random, sometimes pleasant emotions. Nightmare bring fear, sadness and a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. That's the one I had in the wee hours of the morning. In my nightmare I got "The Call" that my husband had been injured. He was setting up his bunk area and stepped on a hidden land mine. For some reason, it was his stomach that was injured - weird, I know. I rushed to ECM Hospital (even wierder) where he was being cared for. Standing by his bedside I cried heavily because I couldn't call my parents to tell them, to get their comfort, to feel their arms around me. I FELT the sadness and loneliness and the fear. Damn it - it was SO REAL. There was a part of the dream where his Brigade and Unit Command and team came to his room. I was sitting outside the door watching as they all talked and something was going on. After they left I went to the my husband.. he was holding his new rank; he had been promoted. The whole dream/nightmare lasted just a few moments, didn't make much sense, and had very few details - I woke up and scooted up behind Rich; holding on for dear life while my heart begged him to please don't go ~ begged him to please come back to me.

You Look Tired Today...

Another relatively sleepless night. I think I more or less cat-napped my way to the morning alarm today. I got ready for work - wearing green for the day, not a bad hair day, and make-up looking pretty good; in spite of fatigue. I think I actually did pretty well on the dark circles under my eyes. So... I get to work and my co-worker stops in my office to say good morning - he said "You look tired today". Well, I havent slept well lately... "how come you're not sleeping"...just too much going on. "Okay...hope eveything's okay, you should get more rest".WTF? I actually felt good today up until 8:15am - tired, yes - but really good.

So then I had to question myself! Was co-worker REALLY saying...'you look like hell today' or was he saying 'you look like you have a lot going on'? Did I wear the wrong color? Maybe I should've worn my hair up. Are my eyebrows even? Wrong shade of lipstick? For someone to notice that I look like shit, I must REALLY look like it! Right?! And then to ask why I'm not sleeping...I've ONLY worked here for 2 years and EVERYONE knows what the past year had held for me AND that it's getting ready to get more complicated. Why would anyone in my department NOT know that I have a great deal to deal with that prevents me from being chipper 24/7?!?

Which leads me to another thing... I recently had someone tell me that I "just didn't seem like myself". Seriously? They must've meant the old me.. the person I was when I had two parents and my husband wasn't deploying to some fucking warzone? The one that laughed and felt care-free and social. Or the person that was excited about my life and the days/nights, had dreams of "one day", I loved my job...couldn't wait to get there and 'help' someone; be useful, and the person that spoke to my parents everyday...just because. The one that didn't carry around a mega-ton weight on my chest every second that sat atop a broken and scared heart. You mean the person that prayed daily and put my trust in God. Oh, that ME? Nope - I'm not that person anymore. She's gone; been replaced by someone that even I don't recognize. I question my faith. There are many days that I don't want to go to work or be around other people. I don't want to talk to anyone - there's nothing to say. There are no more dreams ~ they've been replaced by visions of sadness and fear of 'what could happen'. There are days that I feel sad, lonely and nothing at all.

I see the days tick closer to D-day... I know I'll wake up on April 13th with my husband one last time. I know he'll go and serve and return to me. But not the same as the day he left.  He leaves in 2 days for 2 weeks of training, then home for a week, then gone. So when I say 27 days..we only have 8.

I'm not thinking that I'm depressed - just "not me". The thing is - the days are every day ~ the difference is how I deal with the emotions from one to the next.

27 days.

Maybe co-worker should've said - "Hey, that's a nice shade of green".

We Rocked!!

Nashville, TN...... Opryland Hotel..... Jack Daniels Saloon.....Jamie Groom and the Catfish Johnston Band.....The Fuse......too much fun!

Like most everything we do on the fly, Rich and I drove to Nashville on a wing and a prayer that we could get a room at the Opryland Hotel! After standing in an enormous line at the registration area, one military discount later - we were standing on the balcony of our room overlooking the Garden Conservatory! Beautiful!! I love that hotel!! We walked around for a while taking pictures and plotting our night. Just across the way was the Jack Daniels Saloon.... we are there! Now, Rich and I are bar-folks; meaning we typically sit at the bar and have our dinner and drinks because it's usually the best seat in the house! Our bartender was wonderful and loads of fun. We met & partied with many equally awesome people and had a few Flat Tires! The band was rocking and we were dancing! Our bartender told the band that Rich was heading to the Sandbox; they played a song just for us and so many people came up and thanked Rich for his service. Our dinner and drinks were even paid for by other patrons. Not what we had anticipated but we were so touched! Somewhere between 2:30-3:30am we made it back to our room and sleep! We woke up feeling like we had been smoking and screaming all night - our throats were raw! Since we don't smoke we can't say we didn't scream in song and fun at some point! We woke up and headed home to rest up! Rich drank a couple of Bloody Mary's to 'right' himself and I laid on the couch out of sheer exhaustion!

It was THE BEST time! We will always remember the feeling of complete abandon and freedom that we felt dancing around, singing along and meeting new people and celebrating US! All we could say coming home yesterday was "Wow", just that!

Wow!

30 days....the countdown begins

Rich leaves in 30 days! He just got his 'official' orders telling us that his leave date has been pulled up almost a week!! My brain screams "No! No!" This is REALLY happening and I'm not ready! For some reason, to see it in actual writing makes the whole thing suck more! I'm afraid that the war will change him - that he'll come back different; not Rich anymore. I love the man he is ~ I want him to come back the same man he is now; I know that the reality is that he will be different in some way. I hate this war!

Yesterday we spent the half of our day on base taking care of stuff in preparation. We went to get me ID card updated and to get "B-20" (our youngest son - he's 20) an ID card. Well... we can't do that until 14 days out from deployment. We then went to Tri-Care and took care of enrollment paperwork, took care of medical records registration at the base clinic, got Brandon a base decal for his truck and a passport, applied for my gun permit. All before noon!!

Then Rich &I drove an hour away to my hometown put flowers out at the cemetery. Mom & Dad got 6 beautiful roses (artificial ~ one each for Mom Dad and one for each of us kids) and my son "JNH" got a beautiful arrangement of daisies with a mixture of tiny blue flowers. Mom & Dad's 'home' is now on the 4th floor (mosoleum - level 4). There is not a ladder there - hmmmmm, how to put flowers in the vase?

Picture this - I am putting my 150'ish pounds on Rich's shoulders (he's about 185). I swear I could feel his legs shaking in strain as he is trying to walk his body up the wall to a standing postion. Poor guy! I think he blacked-out for a brief moment as his blood vessels in his brain popped from the pressure! It was quite hysterical really! We laughed so hard at the sight of us working as a team in this comical way. Once he was able to put me down he told me I had 400 days to lose the extra weight! He's so awesomely honest! Anyway, we have laughed alot over that moment!

I REALLY want to go into details about all of yesterday's events but Rich is waiting for me. We are heading to Nashville for the night. Just the two of us!! Call ONLY is someone is bleeding and the ambulance is on the way!!

Love, peace and a great big HUG!

There's No Place Like Home!

Whew!!! The trip to Cali is over and we are settled back into 'normal' life for a while. You only have to be gone a few days to appreciate just what you have at Home! I appreciate the light flow - if any - traffic. I appreciate colors, trees, non-stucko houses. I appreciate the laid-back feel of my life and not feeling rushed about. Did I enjoy the trip?! not really - if I'm being honest... and this is my blog so I can say whatever I want. There was not much to enjoy... although it was nice to spend a few brief moments with a couple of my favorite people.

We spent most all of our 2 days driving than we did with anyone. Friday was fly-in and an overnight visit with family. Then rush...rush to see my cousin on the way to stay with more family. Now - my time with my cousin  was hands down the best hour and a half of my trip. It was quite, relaxing and she was so much fun to talk with. There wasn't an urgency to go and do anything. So, then we were back on the road to rushing...to our son's ("N-25") house...put down bags and then drive to dinner...then short visit before heading off to bed. Sunday was get ready, go to church for the baby dedication, then stand around for an hour waiting for their family to figure out what we were all doing. Then drive and hour again 'down the hill' to stand around for an hour and half to wait to eat. The lunch (by this time it's after 3:30pm), then to the mall (which was completely against anything Rich and I wanted to do). Then back to the house to visit for a short time because now it's time for bed. Up early on Monday to drive to the airport - taking us 3 hrs and 45 min. to drive 75 miles....2 hours through security to our gate. Home finally at 11:30pm! Whew is right!

So, did I enjoy the trip - NO! What was there to enjoy? My daughter-in-law told me on the phone that they felt like we didn't get a chance to hang out... no shit! To us, Sunday was the ONLY day we had but it was consumed with all of the wasted going. No only did we have to burn up our time driving, but have lunch with her family - who sat at a different table, but continually waved and drew our grandson's attention from us ~  Rich & I were so uncomfortable. Then we burned up 2 flipping hours at the damn mall after we even said we didn't want to go. Oh, don't forget the hour back 'up the hill'. Yes, we have a grandson that doesn't know us from Adam. We saw him last when he was 6-month old. He was scared of us, like I said..we are just strangers to him. Had we not done all of the damn running around on Sunday, we may have actually been able to start some 'connection' there. I wish we could've just stopped the whole choatic trip and frozen time! To just have been selfish and said 'No' along the way - that we didn't want to share OUR brief time with anyone else - that we wanted to be able to sit and get to know our grandson and his parents!

We all knew going into this trip that we only had a brief time - it was for Rich to see his very small family before deployment and that we had to maximize the time we had. Didn't happen. But, the trip is over and we are back to our lives.

Coming up... Rich & I are off to Nashville this weekend for a "just us" getaway!

Leavin... on a jet plane...

Well, it's actually Delta flight something or another! Rich and I are getting the hell out of Dodge for a few days! In about 5 hours we will board a plane bound for LAX to spend a few days (only 2 1/2) with family in Cali. Trying to get in a quick trip before D-day in April. Wouldn't ya know it - it'll be almost 70 degrees and sunny here at home base and 50-60'sh and rainy in California!I hope it's not an indicator as to how the trip will be!!

BUT - Rich and I will make the best out of being away from home and normal life for those few days! Next weekend we will spend in Nashville... just us... in a Hotel.... THAT'S my kind of vacation!

Happy Trails!

The Understanding of One

I have come to understand that there are just some things I have to handle alone.