I'm not even sure where to start other than one word at a time. It's no secret to anyone that 2010 was a difficult year to endure. It started with 2 very traumatic events - the death and burial of both of my parents together and my husband's deployment. Four days after standing in the bitter cold morning of January watching my parents' caskets being slid into their burial site, I stood in the bitter snow at the armory and kissed my husband off to 4 1/2 months of pre-deployment training (he came home for a week before deploying for a year). The grief and trauma of losing my parents was so great - then Rich left and I fell deeper into the black hole. It's this hole that I still struggle to come out of 2 1/2 years later.
I became sad and lonely during that year with no one here to lean on. My siblings and children were just as broken and traumatized that we couldn't even lean on each other. My best friend, next door, was consumed with her life: home, children, work, going back to school and studying in any free time. My co-workers were indifferent. As a NG family member, our unit is small and in different geographical locations - I couldn't turn to the FRG...I WAS the FRG leader. I wanted to be held while I cried. I wanted desperately to talk and
scream through my pain to someone...anyone. I wanted to lean on my
parents, my husband, my family, my friend; there were no shoulders, no
arms, no ears to hear me. I was alone.
I was able to turn to my blog and blog friends; without that venue I just don't think I could have held on to the lip of that black hole for as long as I did (thank you).
After the shock of death and deployment began to wear off and my new reality began to take root, I felt abandoned and left to drift alone without any direction at all. I was a child abandoned by her parents, a Christian abandoned by her God, a wife abandoned by her husband, a friend abandoned by her closet friend and a family member abandoned by her family in a way. Nothing felt RIGHT, nothing felt familiar..nothing felt normal. I no longer belonged in my life. The sense of loss and abandonment from my parents, God, Rich, my best friend, even my family was so great. It didn't matter that it couldn't be helped...by anyone, the effects lingered and grew in to something more that I could shake most days.
I struggled to rationalize the unrational. Today I struggle with a sense of insecurity and fear that I never experienced before, that stems from that abandonment feeling. When I let my mind take me back to those long days and that long year, my heart races and my mind becomes hazy - the anxiety just grips my throat.
The feelings of abandonment led to resentment, anger, bitterness.
Peace.
(I have turned off comments..I just need to be able to get 'this' out there in order to find a way to deal with it. Personal comments can be emailed to me)
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Back to What I Know..
I woke about 4:45 this morning and began to blog in my head. "Writing" word for word what I wanted to say and what I hoped to convey to myself. 3 hours later I wish I would've gotten up and put my words to blog. Now my thoughts are so jumbled and I'm not sure where to start...I just know that I have got to turn back to the one place where I can get my real thoughts/feelings/fears/anger out of my head..and that is here to my 'safe zone"...my blog
Several weeks ago my husband and I were sitting along the ocean shore, feet in the sand, just listening to the waves and the wind. It was so beautiful and peaceful, but inside I was a hot mess and have been for such a long time. I broke the silence and told my husband that when we returned home I was going to seek counseling to find ways to deal with the unresolved feelings (grief, sadness, anger, emptiness,..) that resulted from my parents' death followed by his deployment four days later (4.5 months away for pre-D training then deployment). I thought once he returned 1.5 years ago that I would automatically feel complete and healed from the trauma of both events, but in all honesty with myself and him, I'm not.
I have found ways to suck it up and keep going, I've found times of happiness and joy, and I've found ways to stuff the residual after-effects further inside my heart and head. There are days I can actually feel myself being pulled back to those empty days of deployment - when I was without my parents, my husband, my best friend that lives next door; my children and siblings so broken and traumatized too that we couldn't even be there to hold each other up....the sorrow and bitterness just lingers and stands in my way of finding solace and peace. I am no longer strong enough to head those times off on my own because I haven't 'dealt" with them.
After our Florida trip I check at my new job to see if we offered an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - aka..counseling... we do not. I'm not affiliated with a church so I don't have a clergyman to turn too - then again, some of my anger is directed at God, not sure it's wise to turn to a minister.
The only place I feel like I'm left to turn to is my blog.
So, blog-counseling begins....
Peace
Several weeks ago my husband and I were sitting along the ocean shore, feet in the sand, just listening to the waves and the wind. It was so beautiful and peaceful, but inside I was a hot mess and have been for such a long time. I broke the silence and told my husband that when we returned home I was going to seek counseling to find ways to deal with the unresolved feelings (grief, sadness, anger, emptiness,..) that resulted from my parents' death followed by his deployment four days later (4.5 months away for pre-D training then deployment). I thought once he returned 1.5 years ago that I would automatically feel complete and healed from the trauma of both events, but in all honesty with myself and him, I'm not.
I have found ways to suck it up and keep going, I've found times of happiness and joy, and I've found ways to stuff the residual after-effects further inside my heart and head. There are days I can actually feel myself being pulled back to those empty days of deployment - when I was without my parents, my husband, my best friend that lives next door; my children and siblings so broken and traumatized too that we couldn't even be there to hold each other up....the sorrow and bitterness just lingers and stands in my way of finding solace and peace. I am no longer strong enough to head those times off on my own because I haven't 'dealt" with them.
After our Florida trip I check at my new job to see if we offered an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - aka..counseling... we do not. I'm not affiliated with a church so I don't have a clergyman to turn too - then again, some of my anger is directed at God, not sure it's wise to turn to a minister.
The only place I feel like I'm left to turn to is my blog.
So, blog-counseling begins....
Peace
Thursday, June 28, 2012
You've Got Linked(In)
I've been on LinkedIn for a while now to get networked and plugged in with other HR professionals. The other day I opened up LinkedIn and got an invitation to 'join my network" from a woman from my long ago past!
Let me digress and fill in the story.... Long ago my parents were foster parents. Countless young faces came in and out of our home, some staying longer than others and always with a horrible scar of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment. As a kid (junior high school-age), when my parents started keeping foster children, it was sometime difficult to share your parents, living space (there wasn't much), bedroom, siblings, and the only teeny tiny bathroom that we had. We were already a family of 6 (parents and 4 kids ages 12-16...then added two teenage boys (my parents adopted two foster children)...yet there was always room made for 1, 2, 3, or more. We lived in a 1200-1300 sq ft home, 3 bedrooms, one room roughly converted to a 4th, and 1 bathroom. Compassion wore thin as the tension of the walls sometimes busted at the seams.
There was this one girl. Same age as my sister and me (14). Not only did we have to share our bedroom, things and sometimes friends with her in order to make her feel "at home", we had to share our brothers and parents. While we knew the reason she was with us it just didn't soften the blow of teenage girl drama. Honestly, I don't even remember how long she was with us. Three girls in a small bedroom were just 1 too many! We did the best we could under the situation until one morning before school. She stole my hair clips and that was the last straw! There was a confrontation, a tussle that ensued and a hole in the closet door . Needless to say, she left that day and we never gave her another thought. Yes, callous, we were..but we were teenage girls.
Three days ago I received a LinkedIn invite from this girl - now woman - after 32 years! After the surprise sank in I responded to her request. She wrote back:
"....i have thought about you all many times thru the years but apparently waited to long to thank your parents...i am very sorry for your loss of the parents....i wish i could of told them especialy your mother of the impact she had in my very young years at that time in life..."
While I found the whole foster care experience an intrusion on my life at the time, I wish that I had stopped to understand the impact it had (good or bad) on those that were there because they couldn't defend or protect themselves from someone/some ones.
We have since swapped messages and I am pleased to say that she wasn't badly scarred by her experience with me and Rhonda that last day. She went on to lead a very happy and blessed life.
Peace
Let me digress and fill in the story.... Long ago my parents were foster parents. Countless young faces came in and out of our home, some staying longer than others and always with a horrible scar of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment. As a kid (junior high school-age), when my parents started keeping foster children, it was sometime difficult to share your parents, living space (there wasn't much), bedroom, siblings, and the only teeny tiny bathroom that we had. We were already a family of 6 (parents and 4 kids ages 12-16...then added two teenage boys (my parents adopted two foster children)...yet there was always room made for 1, 2, 3, or more. We lived in a 1200-1300 sq ft home, 3 bedrooms, one room roughly converted to a 4th, and 1 bathroom. Compassion wore thin as the tension of the walls sometimes busted at the seams.
There was this one girl. Same age as my sister and me (14). Not only did we have to share our bedroom, things and sometimes friends with her in order to make her feel "at home", we had to share our brothers and parents. While we knew the reason she was with us it just didn't soften the blow of teenage girl drama. Honestly, I don't even remember how long she was with us. Three girls in a small bedroom were just 1 too many! We did the best we could under the situation until one morning before school. She stole my hair clips and that was the last straw! There was a confrontation, a tussle that ensued and a hole in the closet door . Needless to say, she left that day and we never gave her another thought. Yes, callous, we were..but we were teenage girls.
Three days ago I received a LinkedIn invite from this girl - now woman - after 32 years! After the surprise sank in I responded to her request. She wrote back:
"....i have thought about you all many times thru the years but apparently waited to long to thank your parents...i am very sorry for your loss of the parents....i wish i could of told them especialy your mother of the impact she had in my very young years at that time in life..."
While I found the whole foster care experience an intrusion on my life at the time, I wish that I had stopped to understand the impact it had (good or bad) on those that were there because they couldn't defend or protect themselves from someone/some ones.
We have since swapped messages and I am pleased to say that she wasn't badly scarred by her experience with me and Rhonda that last day. She went on to lead a very happy and blessed life.
Peace
Monday, June 25, 2012
29 years
29 years ago I gave birth to tiny beautiful son. There wasn't the neonatal care and technology available like there is today to keep him from being born - Johnathan was born 2 1/2 months ahead of schedule. 2.7 pounds. He fought hard to live before he died about 14 hours later.
For 29 years I've wondered who he would have become, what would he have looked like..many questions without answers.
I had a dream once a long time ago. In it I was sitting against a white wall..crying from grief of missing out on a son I didn't get a chance to know. I was grieving. As I sat crying a young man sat next to me and placed his hand on mine. I leaned over and lay my head in his lap and cried..and cried. In my dream and heart I knew it was Johnathan.
29 years is not near long enough to get over the loss of a child..not long enough to stop grieiving the loss of a child...
The blessing (is there is one) in the life & death of my son is that it led me to have two more amazing children who have grown into amazing adults. Without having gotten pregnant so young with Johnathan, I would not have gotten married and had Josh and Kelley before I had to have a full hysterectomy at 25. His birth set into motion so many things and plans for my life that I never imagined.Z
For 29 years I've wondered who he would have become, what would he have looked like..many questions without answers.
I had a dream once a long time ago. In it I was sitting against a white wall..crying from grief of missing out on a son I didn't get a chance to know. I was grieving. As I sat crying a young man sat next to me and placed his hand on mine. I leaned over and lay my head in his lap and cried..and cried. In my dream and heart I knew it was Johnathan.
29 years is not near long enough to get over the loss of a child..not long enough to stop grieiving the loss of a child...
The blessing (is there is one) in the life & death of my son is that it led me to have two more amazing children who have grown into amazing adults. Without having gotten pregnant so young with Johnathan, I would not have gotten married and had Josh and Kelley before I had to have a full hysterectomy at 25. His birth set into motion so many things and plans for my life that I never imagined.Z
Friday, June 15, 2012
Stealing Away...
The past few years, months, weeks, days have been both hectic and stressful for Rich & I. We paddle as fast as we can most days and it seems like we find ourselves running the same circle in a tiny baby pool - we just can't seem to break through those plastic walls and into a larger body of water. Like ducks, we let a lot of things roll off of us and just 'go with it'....what is the alternative? But underneath, we are drowning in 'stuff' ..... and responsibilities .....and more stuff.
We..need..out!!!!
This afternoon, after work, we are taking off ~ just the two of us ~ no real agenda. We are throwing caution and responsibility to the wind and getting the hell out of Dodge...errrr, Toney. We can't seem to "make" time, "take" time...so we are just gonna steal it! Like thieves in the night..we are hitting the highway Southbound and won't stop until our feet hit sand. Well, first we will stop and visit my Aunt and do a little cornbread 101 training..then beach! But the end result is that we are leaving behind our stress, our 'to do' lists, our responsibilities.
No more baby pool for us ~ not for the next 3 1/2 days! We will be paddling the Ocean!
Peace!
We..need..out!!!!
This afternoon, after work, we are taking off ~ just the two of us ~ no real agenda. We are throwing caution and responsibility to the wind and getting the hell out of Dodge...errrr, Toney. We can't seem to "make" time, "take" time...so we are just gonna steal it! Like thieves in the night..we are hitting the highway Southbound and won't stop until our feet hit sand. Well, first we will stop and visit my Aunt and do a little cornbread 101 training..then beach! But the end result is that we are leaving behind our stress, our 'to do' lists, our responsibilities.
No more baby pool for us ~ not for the next 3 1/2 days! We will be paddling the Ocean!
Peace!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
No compassion today..
I have a friend, Joe, who is still fighting for his life following a horrible motorcycle accident. His wife, Dana, flew from deployment in Afghanistan to be by his side 4 four weeks ago...every...single..day. He continuous to fight..they continue to fight.
I have a friend, Michelle. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She begins Chemo and her fight to live next week. She is familiar with the ends and outs of cancer treatments and hospitals; as her daughter (now 15) fought and won a battle with cancer when she was 11.
I have a friend, Angela, who last night attempted suicide for the second time that I know of since I've known her. She has a beautiful daughter and a husband who love her. Yet she has always had the self-worth (self-imposed) of a door knob. She is always surrounded by positive affirmations from her friends and family...but it never seems to be enough. As I watched the ambulance take her away from her home last night, and I contacted her husband at his work..talked to his boss.. I struggled with compassion ..while so many people fight to live, she fights to die. It's a selfish act...one that I have honestly fought against several times in my life..even as recent as when my parents died and my husband deployed...I was 'alone' and so deep in depression. But then I realized that my life was not about ME..it was about those that I love and who love me back; only then did I continue to wake up and put one foot in front of the other until it was time to go back to bed. I hope my friend can do the same thing and get the help she needs to continue her life journey.
Peace
I have a friend, Michelle. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She begins Chemo and her fight to live next week. She is familiar with the ends and outs of cancer treatments and hospitals; as her daughter (now 15) fought and won a battle with cancer when she was 11.
I have a friend, Angela, who last night attempted suicide for the second time that I know of since I've known her. She has a beautiful daughter and a husband who love her. Yet she has always had the self-worth (self-imposed) of a door knob. She is always surrounded by positive affirmations from her friends and family...but it never seems to be enough. As I watched the ambulance take her away from her home last night, and I contacted her husband at his work..talked to his boss.. I struggled with compassion ..while so many people fight to live, she fights to die. It's a selfish act...one that I have honestly fought against several times in my life..even as recent as when my parents died and my husband deployed...I was 'alone' and so deep in depression. But then I realized that my life was not about ME..it was about those that I love and who love me back; only then did I continue to wake up and put one foot in front of the other until it was time to go back to bed. I hope my friend can do the same thing and get the help she needs to continue her life journey.
Peace
Friday, June 8, 2012
Til Death Did They Part
Yesterday was...would have been...my parent's 53rd wedding anniversary. They exchanged vows to love each other through sickness and in health...until death do them part. Mom and Dad met when they were 15 & 17 and married at 16 & 18 (one day after my Dad's high school graduation).
They were married for 50 years before they died at the age of 67 and 68 ~ 2 1/2 yrs ago. It seems like forever ago..and it feels like just yesterday that Mom died and Dad followed her 2 days later..
I didn't post on FB about their anniversary..or even say anything to anyone. I began to "tell" them 'Happy Anniversary' as I started my day yesterday..but then I stopped....I remembered the vows of marriage..."Til Death Do Us Part". I stopped mid-words... Death parted them (Mom first, followed by Dad 2 days later)... does that mean that their marriage was over as Mom drew her last breath? Are they no longer together? Or married? Or in love with each other? Do they even know each other in the next phase of eternal life? If vows hold true..then their marriage and devotion ended at death, right?
I don't know what to believe. In my grief-laden heart and mind I picture them sitting in Heaven, holding hands, making out like they always did in the kitchen..
What's real?
They were married for 50 years before they died at the age of 67 and 68 ~ 2 1/2 yrs ago. It seems like forever ago..and it feels like just yesterday that Mom died and Dad followed her 2 days later..
I didn't post on FB about their anniversary..or even say anything to anyone. I began to "tell" them 'Happy Anniversary' as I started my day yesterday..but then I stopped....I remembered the vows of marriage..."Til Death Do Us Part". I stopped mid-words... Death parted them (Mom first, followed by Dad 2 days later)... does that mean that their marriage was over as Mom drew her last breath? Are they no longer together? Or married? Or in love with each other? Do they even know each other in the next phase of eternal life? If vows hold true..then their marriage and devotion ended at death, right?
I don't know what to believe. In my grief-laden heart and mind I picture them sitting in Heaven, holding hands, making out like they always did in the kitchen..
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