The Silence That Follows

Our Thanksgiving house was full for almost a week. There was chaos everywhere...in every room.. every nook & cranny - and it was wonderful! Our quiet home was blissfully loud to the sounds of laughter, talking, screaming (the little ones), crying (again, the little ones) of 13-15 adults and 5 children.

The day after Thanksgiving sent off half of our family back to their homes. We kissed one family and waved til they drove out of site...then we made our next goodbye at the Nashville airport..waving and blowing last kisses through the glass window separating the waiting area from the concourse. Rich & I drove back to town - only to drive around for 2 hours once we arrived. We couldn't bring ourselves to come back to the silence so soon.

Being long-distance parents to two of our children and our three grandchildren is difficult. It seems that gone are the days when whole families lived within the same county lines and Sunday dinner at Grandma's was the norm - life comes first and the scattering happens. Even though we have two children still local we are realistic...we know they will eventually leave to life and places unknown again.

Peace.

It's My Mind...I Can Change It

And....I have changed it.

I am public again and it's going to be okay.

Something's Missing

The house is full and will be even fully tomorrow. There are kids and grandchildren to run around and be happy. But something inside of me is missing. The hole that always exists....exists. I pray diligently for it to be filled but is remains empty and sad....always on the brim of crying...sometimes the cup becomes so full that it spills over.

Will this ever go away?

The Panic Sets In

I have to say in all honesty - I'm a little tweaked about going all out 'private'. When I started this blog I did it for me...then at some point I got a follower - how?  I'm not sure, but there she was. Since then I have had roughly 109 known followers and many non-public followers; give or take and off & on. Many became people who I considered (and still do) 'friends' in this town called Blogville... a few became friends in my real life away from Blogville. Many bloggers got me through some of the hardest times with just a single word of encouragement or let me know that I wasn't as alone as I felt. I'm not blowing up with ego over those who chose to 'follow' me; I'm just overwhelmed, humbled and grateful for each and every person that did. I wish along the way that I could have impacted my followers' lives in some way as much as they have impacted mine by letting me into their blogs and lives.

I'm saddened that I feel the need to go private.... I cringe at the thought of hiding. When I log in after 15 November, it will be silent. No one to read my blog, no one to comment..just me. That's how it all started. Interesting. If there was a better way I would do it.  I even considered trashing this blog and starting over - but I couldn't bring myself to hit delete on some of the most important  things of my last 4 years... it all adds up to be My Story.

Peace

(Public Blogging) Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I haven't blogged for a while...a real, meaningful, sincere, emotional-releasing, blog. I have written many in my head and have definitely had a great deal word-worthy and blog-worthy things going on. So, why I have I not blogged them out? Honestly, the things in my life that I want to blog about - well, I can't. Or I don't. The words in my head..in my heart..are so wrapped among the vines of friends, family and others that I know who read my blog. Putting them into a blog, even if just to clear my thoughts, vent, cry and try to make sense of myself and situations, would be taken out of context, taken personally or create an air of frustration that its just easier to keep them to myself.

I started this blog as an outlet ~ it is has become the opposite after almost 4 years. I no longer feel comfortable using this blog to express myself or to say the words that fight to get released.My mind stays scrambled and I feel like I am going nuts with all that is in my noggin'! I don't have a friend/confidante other that my husband, that I can really talk to - so I wear out my husband - or keep it all to myself.

So, I have made a decision.

I am taking this blog private on Friday Nov. 15.

Peace.

Back to School....Sort of

So.....

Rich & I have started attending Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. One class down and eight more to go. HE is loving it...its money and budgeting and saving money. Me? What? What the heck are these envelope for???

Just kidding.

We always say the words "we really need to start saving better for our retirement". Heck...we are 20 years away since the retirement age moved to 67-70. The leanest years are behind us - the years of raising kids...putting ourselves in debt to do it...and then using the 'empty nest' years to dig ourselves out. To be honest ~ Rich's deployment finally got us into the the 'green' (except for the mortgage). Now what?? It got us there but how do we stay there? What do we do now?

We did the 'dirty' and sat down for 3 hours ( YES, 3 HOURS) Sunday after church and broke out our bank accounts. We have kept separate bank accounts for 14.99% of our 15 years of marriage - we realized early own that we cannot share a bank account!! We were both appalled at what we have spent in a 3 month time frame on frivolous spending, eating out (lunches and occasional dinners), and those quick "I need to pick up milk" trips to Publix that end up costing $50! Heck, I spent $2 less in eating out than I did for gasoline! Envelope Please!

Geesh! So, we are DOING THIS! Really. And Rich the spreadsheet King, Contract Officer for the Alabama National Guard, Program Manager for XXXXX Network Technologies and Hawkeye of the bank account could not be more excited! I think he only played hard to get when I first mentioned it just to test my sincerity. (I signed us up AND paid for it out of MY ACCOUNT - Oh Snap)! After the torturous three hours, we finally took a good hard look...saw the light and he secretly is praying that my ways will be changed!  I am my Mother's daughter, after all ~ Evie may just need that cute little pair of sequined tennis shoes in red! Now.....There's an envelope for that!

Looks like lots of PB&J for lunches!

Class two tomorrow night!

Peace!

The Playground Turf War

There's a playground turf war going on up in Washington. Like five year old boys...no one ants to give an inch. We have a President who leads with a "my way or the highway' mentality...who thrives on the drama...the chaos ans, as the leader of one gang - thrives on the power. We have the other gang holding tight to their colors. It's Michael Jackson's "Bad" video all reinvented.

This week, as HR Manager, I have gone into negotiations over healthcare premiums - it's not pretty because of the Affordable Health Care Act (Obamacare). We were getting a minor rate increase - YAY - then we saw the ACA fees & taxes tacked on to each individual enrolled. These are the taxes and fees that the working folks - those who have healthcare available through their employer, have to pay to fund the individuals that need subsidy under the Marketplace. That's a difference between 3% and 14% on a pay check. We all get healthcare, right? NO...we will all have access to healthcare but it's not free nor is it affordable for everyone....but it's the law now that you have to have it whether you can afford it or not.

And while I'm on a rant....this whole mess has caused the government shutdown. This week I have issued separation letters to many employees...and was given a new list today with almost 50 names. I work for a DoD contractor...the government is closed so contracts aren't getting renewed or issued. This is a death roll to American small businesses and no one seems to be ready to sit down and talk like adults.  The Republicans won't change their stance..the Democrats won't change theirs ...and  - although they (Republicans) have made attempts to send pieces of the budget up for approval the Democrats and Obama have refused to pass them. It's all or nothing.

Right now I am frustrated and gravely disappointed in out Country's lack of leadership. No one...not ONE Party will stand for the people. Put the damn thing to the vote of the people...just because someone was voted in office doesn't mean they have cart blanc to make decisions for the whole country. Let's let the hundreds of thousands out of jobs and pay right now take a vote.

I always refrain from voicing my political feelings but after the damn day I have had and looking at the lives I will change next week...I'm just beyond pissed. Venting and getting it out of my head!

I will not argue with you over my thoughts so please don't even try to engage me.... it will be ugly.

Peace!