O-M-G FRG

I am ONE week away from handing the leadership of the FRG to the command of my husband's unit! I have "done this, been there" for 3 1/2 year and I am OVER IT! A year ago I actually resigned  at the same time command was changing hands - only to give in at the last moment at the request of the old and new command (who told me it was not appropriate for his wife to be part of the FRG....really??) for another trip around the sun. Well, that trip is over and I am out-of-there! Our unit is small (only E-5 and above) - top heavy with officers; 98% of the spouses have already paid their dues and have taken the vaccine that makes them immune to any form of FRG involvement....which makes it difficult to get anything done in the FRG planning of events.

Recently the FRG was going to hold its annual (fundraiser) Yard Sale. This sale typically brings in the funds to pay for Family Day and holiday events for the unit and families. Instead of having donations coming out of the armory doors as in previous years, this year we got 2 little boxes. Welp, no support from the unit or families meant no yard sale, no funds. Instead of taking it personally I brushed of any ego trip I started down and said "F" - it! Family Day will go on next weekend as planned... when it's over the FRG account will sport a BIG goose-egg "0". I will happily turn over everything I have for the FRG to the unit commander and take the lead of all of the other spouses by getting my own immunization shot and support my husband from the comfort of my home or anywhere else I choose to be.

The FRG is a Commander's program that is required from the State. Our Commander hasn't displayed the support needed to keep the FRG moving forward. When a the leadership doesn't care the unit won't care. Such is life and such is the way it is.

So...I'm hanging it up and walking away - it actually makes me giddy!

Do I feel guilty that the FRG will be drifting in the wind until someone steps up?

Nope!

Hmmm...

When Rich is gone on a business trip I don't sleep well. When he doesn't call me or answer my call to check in before bed ... I don't sleep well.

Just sayin'

Peace

Random thoughts after a (ok....3 cocktails) cocktail

As I sit on the deck by the outdoor chimney, a little tipsey...I can't help but think/say the following to my husband:

Long distance grandparenting sucks...it really does!

Do you think Jake and Annie (our dogs) have sex when we are at work?

Our neighbor's backyard is a tree whore house...5 pine trees, 1 dogwood, 2 cedars, 1 unknown to me tree..and a couple of others lurking over the fence.

It sucks not having parents.

Why did we raise our kids to be independent. .to find themselves..to get to out of "here"..? ???  For once they listened.  Who is going to care for us when we get older and can't do for ourselves? We didn't think that through!

This is my 3rd..ok..4th Segrams with Crystal Light Mohito...my husband looks afraid that I am formulating a blog post.

Our neighbor on the other side of us is a Rocket Scientist Engineer...and a doomsdayer...we are screwed when shit hits the fan cause he's not sharing.

I Love listening to "classic" music from the 70's and 80's.

Wanna go have sex? (Rich wrote that...gotta go)

Peace!

Love these moment....

I'm siting here on the sofa. My husband in lying beside me, his head resting on a pillow against my leg. He is resting so soundly ... his nap before bedtime. This is the nightly routine I love so much and missed when he was deployed. Yet, this time it's different.

This time..

He is sleeping.


Resting.

Deeply.

Sweetly.

But this time..

THIS time...

He has the damn remote in his hand..

On the GOLF channel.

Peace!

Ooopppss...

Kids...divert Your eyes...Mama has to blog this:

Tonight.

Watching TV.

 Husband and I are sitting on separate couches. I stand up...walk over to stand in front of him and in a semi-authoritative voice declare.............

Me (to Rich): Okay, I have not been able to sleep lately. Doesn't matter if I take a Benedryl or Melatonin...I am restless. When I sleep it is restless and little - and I dream about sex. It's been a while....take your pick - tonight or tomorrow morning. I don't care. Bells and whistles or just do it but I have got to get this out of my system so I can start getting some sleep".

Husband: (Looks at me with a shocked look). Okay

We keep watching TV.

4 minutes later - Our youngest son comes in from the upper deck where he has been grilling - right outside the livingroom - windows are open. He doesn't speak or make eye contact.

Me: "You could have reminded me that he was out on the deck...."

Husband: "That's probably why he didn't say anything...."

My Life.

Peace

REVISED...45 min later.."ok Honey..what's it gonna be?"
Him: " I guess I will use the energy tonight.."
Me: (feeling so wanted)...hmmmmp

10 min later: 

Me: "nevermind...I just took 2 melatonin"

Yeah..story of my life

Amazing Love

I remember how amazing it felt to be a new Mom..and how amazing it was to hold my little ones..watch them change from babies to toddlers. I felt invinsible because of them..so loved and so much love.

Then they grew up to be teenagers..then adults.

I get to relive it all through my grandchildren now.

This is love...

One Piece at a Time

For 3 years I have felt like "I" was broken into many different pieces...I just couldn't begin to reconcile myself enough to put the pieces back together to find me again. It wasn't until recently that my delayed grief became too much to handle and I turned to a professional for help.

I digress..what I mean by 'delayed grief' is: Mom and Dad were buried Jan 3, 2010. I didn't get a chance  to even start grieving for them when Rich started deployment. I was full-on in "go mode" - on auto-pilot taking care of my parents' affairs and my own with Rich gone...my youngest son moved away to California, my daughter moved away briefly, my oldest son got married, my best friend started back to college and all but disappeared, and my faith was totally depleted. I spent 2010 feeling alone in stunned shock and I didn't have the time or ability to grieve the loss of any of them. 

2011 brought my husband home safely. We spent months excited and feeling our way through reintegration  We stuck together like glue, traveled some, relished in the newness yet familiar feel of 'us'. Underneath the thrill the grief I didn't experience in 2010/2011 had turned to a seething bitterness somehow towards my parents for dying, my best friend, my husband for leaving me, my God for taking everyone, my work-mates, the blue skies and the flowers. I became someone I didn't recognize because the person I was before my parents died no longer existed. Once Rich came home I didn't think (too much) about grief...I was just damn happy again! In late October we attended a deployment ceremony for a friend; starting a roller coaster of grief that I couldn't stop. I began to remember and grieve for my husband's deployment, although he had been home more than year. I grieved for the day he left, the 365 he was gone and I was alone. I grieved for the days I woke only to get through the day so I could go back to sleep. My Mom and Dad were gone, he was gone. I cried for the weeks ...those long damn weeks - the weekends...for the Sundays. 

Once the dam had been breached on my grief  it snowballed through 2012 and then into early 2013 until I hit  the 'wall'. I hit the point where I could no longer ignore or control my crying, my sadness, the sense of utter despair and loss, the bitter taste in my heart. The grief from 2 years prior had finally hit me and it completely wiped me out before I could see it coming. I-could-not-function.

Somehow Military One Source unknowingly paired me with just the right grief counselor. A counselor who is a Vietnam Veteran, a Christian (and I think elder or minister), and someone that truly 'gets it'. It's been 3 weeks (3 visits) and I feel like last week I made a huge break-through in the grief surrounding my parents deaths. He was able to help me reconcile the loss Biblically and in terms that I could understand. I haven't cried in a week over the loss of them...I haven't even felt 'sad'... I feel like I am finally moving from the Anger stage of Grief into Acceptance.

I realize this is a long post - but then again, it is my blog!

Peace!