I Want a New Drug!

After 23 years on hormone replacements a doctor finally ask the question:
Doc: " Why have you been on the hormones for 23 years?"
Me: "Because no one took me off of them"
Doc: "Hormone replacements are only prescribed for 2-3 years
Me "Well, there is a 2 and a 3 in there....."

So - off the hormones I go. To prevent the emotional slide she gave me a baby-dose of Zoloft. My body started responding well to it and for the FIRST time in a long time....I felt GREAT! I was able to move past grief, depression and I was finally "Living" in my life. I was an actual part of it and I was happy.

• Mid-January I go to my Doc for my annual check-up (to include labs). My liver was a bit screwy. 
• February - retest = higher liver numbers = liver damage. Doc #2: "Stop the Zoloft" Me: "No, but I will slow my intake". 
• March - Retest = lower/still high liver numbers. Doc #2: "Stop the Zoloft, stop the Melatonin (I use for sleep), stop everything. Me: "Ugh......."
• Retest is coming up in a few weeks.

It didn't take long for me to come down from the hormone balance and Zoloft. All of the flat-lined emotions I knew would come...came. I have been very emotionally sensitive, depressed and overall....I feel like I'm in a state of confusion.

Essentially I am crazy, can't sleep, edgy, weepy and I've developed restless limb syndrome in my arms and numbness in my fingers (A Google search indicates the RLS could be brought on by stress).

I want my Zoloft back - or the hormone replacement. The risk? Liver failure or higher risk of blood clots, breast cancer and stroke.

Sounds just peachy, huh?

So ..... here I am. Not sure where HERE is.

I want a new drug!

Peace (please)

Oh Yeah..Now I Remember

That yucky..blah feeling. A headache that rides on the edges of pain and throbbing....but not quite there yet. That fluttering in the stomach that is unsure of being hungry or just nauseous.

The day that comes from the night before.

Hello old feeling..buddy...pal. I can't say that I missed you ... not sure why I even invited you to the party.

Now I remember why I gave up drinking.

Peace.

Familiar Waiting

The beige sterile ways are surrounding me..the typical waiting room chairs...the smell of sickness and healing waft through the corridors. The faces of concerned family and lived ones are everywhere.

It's all familiar...not the same but almost. I try to protect my mind from going back to that day in March five years ago.

Did I just say that?
Five years ago??

I don't want to go back to those long days and nights when daddy had a heart attack and the nightmare began. Like my cousin's and uncle around me, I recognize the stunned look of fear mixed with faith. I pray for a successful outcome...and not the outcome we had so many years ago. I wouldn't wish that on anyone that I care about.

My aunt is in surgery now to repair a broken pacemaker. There are many odds against her. She is my mom's youngest sister.

Peace.

The Way We Were

I miss the way we used to be and the friendship we formed over lip liner in the driveway of your new home. I miss the part of us that would laugh and talk about the kids, jobs and life in general. We never were the 'hang out' kind of friends that included shopping and 'girl time'..but we were friends.
 I considered us close friends. Best friends.

Along the way we lost our way. Now, it's awkward. Like acquaintances without a history instead of who were used to be together. We are new people today....different...changed. Changed by life, circumstance. How did that happen? We dance on the surface of conversation, never knowing who is leading or what the steps are.

It's like we forgot how to dance. How to laugh. How to trust.

Just so you know - I notice it.

Peace

Tending to My Own Garden

I have a bad habit that needs to be broken.

I tend to tend to other people's business....I worry about the decisions they make, the debt they have, who they are sleeping with, where they are going, what their pet is doing, where their kids are and what they are doing, how their vacation is going, are they enjoying X.Y.Z.

When really....what others do is none of my damn business!

I guess I just want to take it upon myself to ensure that everyone is healthy, happy and essentially doing well.

Instead of using my time and nose on other people - I vow moving forward to not really give a rat's ass what they are doing. I don't care if my 'friend' is having an affair with her best friend's boyfriend... or that Betty & Joe just bought a new car...or if the folks down the road got a herd of cattle...or how such & such can afford to have their kitchen overhauled. I do not live their lives and what they do does not impact my life one ioda! I don't care what decisions people outside of my family make....And I need to just let my give a damn rest!!

It's time that I just S-T-O-P!! Just S-T-O-P!

My little circle of focus and care is small and getting smaller every day. All I need to do is spend my energies on my own home & family and let everyone else do their own thing....in their own way...on their own dime...and in their own time.

So....today I vow - No More!

Whew - I feel lighter already!

We're Moving!

We are moving.

A new house.

A new space.

A new town (maybe?).

A new "do over"!

The only problem is that we don't know when...we don't know where. We just know that we WANT to! "They" say making a decision is half the battle - so, we are half way there then!

We look around our home and we know that it has served it's purpose; but it's time to pack it in and move on. We are still a couple (at the most) years away from flight...but it's coming! Rich & I spend our spare time driving around looking at house, property, ideas. We scoure the real estate books, design websites and atlas. We are gearing up for something where we can put our ideas into shape... and we are excited to have a dream...and a goal.

Yep....we are moving (one day).

Peace!

Time to Cut & Run

I have a friend (no, really....I do), who I have considered a good friend, though not a CLOSE friend. Nonetheless, a friend. I respected her as a friend and have had the opportunity to 'be there' and help her when she has needed me; whether financially, emotionally or just a ride to the store.

So this friend - I have recently found out from said friend - has severely betrayed another friend. When I say SEVERELY, I mean she has engaged - is engaging - in an affair with the 10-year boyfriend/fiancee of one of her closest friends. When she told me about the 'relationship' she seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing and how her friend has upset with her now. Really? WTF? When I say they were close friends, I mean that they hung out together, traveled together, talked...they were like best friends. How does it happen that she can so easily burn her best friend by 'taking'her best friend's guy?

I cannot throw stones and wouldn't, but this really bothered me. Would I feel this way if she was dating (sleeping with) another seemingly married guy that is outside of her circle of close friends - I don't know. But right now I feel...different about her. I've made my share of bad choices but I have never encroached on the significant other of a friend...they are off limits F-O-R-E-V-E-R. It's in the handbook! Girlfriends just don't do that to their girlfriends.

I see her in a whole new light - like I don't even know this person at all....and I really don't want to continue my friendship with her. If she can so blatantly betray her closest friend...she would certainly throw me under the bus - not by sleeping with my husband (never in a zillion years would I be concerned about THAT), but I no longer feel trusting of her as a friend; even a friend at our current level.

It's sad...and....just....sad.

Peace.