What happens if I exhale??

I'm not sure...This is the only way I know to start. Getting the words and thoughts out of my head into some 'nothingness' is the only thing I know to keep from breaking in a million pieces and blowing in the wind. My head and my heart are full.

My parents died recently. Mom on Dec. 29th and my Dad on Dec. 31st. How in hell does that happen?! My family prepared the best we could for our Dad to pass after a 9 month long illness (heart attack and stroke), but Mom's unexpected death completely took the breath from us...I haven't gotten it back. The grief is just overwhelming right now. I hear "it'll get better" - that's just f'ing great but it doesn't help me TODAY! It gives me no comfort whatsoever to hear that 'they did not suffer', 'the good thing is that they are together', 'this is the way they would've wanted to die - together', 'cherish the memories, and the all too often said, 'think of the good times'. WTF? My parents were a focal point in our lives...they were our rock and foundation of everything we did. They were married for 50 years; since ages 16 and 18. Unless you've had to hold a dual funeral and bury your parents at the same time...you can't possibly believe those words help. Please don't say - God won't give you more than you can handle.... seriously? I want to hear - 'yeah, you're right... it does suck! It bites that you are orphaned now and that the life you've had for 43 years is gone and you have to make a new one without your parents'.There is no road map, no instructions, no answers.

Friends have asked 'how are you'? My heart is grateful for their concern but my head wants to scream.. how the hell do you think I am... I've just buried both of my Mom and Dad? Yesterday someone asked ' are you doing okay?', to which I said.. 'honestly, no I'm not. But thank you for asking'. The person stood there (at a loss for words) and changed the subject. I wonder..when people ask that question do they really want to know or are they just trying to fill an awkward moment? Do they really want to hear that my head aches from the tension and stress? What about the way my heart grips all the way up to my throat in grief, how when I close my eyes my mind replays my life and events with my parents - up through the funeral. Do people want to know that I cry every morning and every night and at least once in between? Is it worth mentioning that I'm angry and sad at the same time? Or that I'm scared? I've had a few friends within the past few weeks lose a parent - hell, I don't even know what to say to them. My heart aches for them because I know the grief they feel. It sucks.... it really does!