It's Been a Struggle Lately....and Making Changes

I've been battling some pretty heavy grief and depression lately....for about 3 weeks. It still lingers every single day and I know as we move into the Christmas holiday and then to New Years Eve it will only intensify, as the the memories of losing them hit the 2 year anniversaries. Seriously, the grief is the same as it has been all year..it's just the dates looming that flip my stomach. I can't stop the train from coming at me ~ I'm just trying to make sure I'm able to get the tracks switched to avoid an emotional collision.

On the outside you wouldn't know what twists inside of me..in the deepest part of my heart where the broken pieces are. You wouldn't know that I cry just about daily for my Mom and Dad and the emptiness that is left behind. I look, well, 'normal' so it may seem like I'm over it. I'm not. I have spent the past few weeks medicating the grief with wine, beer, unhealthy food, too much food, very little exercise. I've gained 8 pounds that look like 12 in my face and butt. This realization only triggers more despair and the cycle seems never-ending. I guess its true when they say misery loves company.

I've got to snap out of this...this...hole. I've got to find a way to deal. It is grief counseling? Is it prayer? I don't have a close enough friend to just talk to .... to just listen and cry with to get.it.out. Get.It.Out. That's all I need to do. To just say the words. The grief, the pain that is inside of me wants  needs to be released instead of muzzled. To confide in another woman without being guarded or feel like I'm intruding...that would be awesome! I have seriously never wanted a close girl friend in all my life as I have the past 2 year; to feel like they are 'there for me', but you just can't pick one up at Walmart off the shelf.

When I remotely mention missing my folks or let my family close enough to see my grief, they look like deer in the headlights - go quiet and change the subject (or worse, just say n-o-t-h-i-n-g). It's just AWKWARD for all of us so I pretend everything is hunky-dory for the most part. Keeping it all bottled up is just so heavy - maybe counseling is the only way to just release. The least intrusive for everyone near and dear to me.

I'm heading to California for a long weekend in the morning, to my Uncle's funeral. When I get back I have promised myself..and made a commitment to myself...to not let my grief impact my health anymore. That means eating healthier, less drinking, and total commitment to working out. I may not be able to control my grieving but I can control how I let it impact me physically. How it impacts me mentally & emotionally? Well, I have no fast answer for that...yet. My New Year resolution (early) will find an outlet that will help me meet new female friends...and maybe...  just maybe...

Peace