'Twas the Blog After Christmas

Part 1:
The week that I dread all year has begun..my own private Hell week. It began yesterday, Dec. 28th and runs through Jan. 3rd and represents every thing associated with my Mom and Dad's deaths 2 years ago. Yesterday I woke up irritable as the anxiety started to build and I was faced with the last day of my Mother's life. Today, 2 yrs ago..she unexpectedly died. Last night the 24 hours before and after her death ran through my head like a projector strip on auto replay. Again and again the visions and sounds haunted me, forcing me to go back to those days of despairing loss ~ they will continue through Dad's death on Dec. 31. When the final scene of their burial is played, the curtains will be drawn again.

But, don't worry...you won't see me cry. I promise not to talk about it because I know how it makes people uncomfortable. I'm actually not depressed, or overwhelmingly despondent, or unhappy...just heavy-hearted.

Part 2:
We flew the West Coast kids home for the holidays. It went as I expected - no better than or worse than..but just as I expected.Whether it's here in the South or in the West, it all plays out the same. In this film I play the role of the hostess..the maid..the hired help - cooking, cleaning, making sure every one has what they need for comfort and convenience, and all the while making sure to stay out of the scene. When I wander onto the set to beg for a morsel of the fan fair, to bask for a moment in the warmth from the glow of the stage light that I think was left on for me...for ME..the lights go dim and the sounds of crickets are all I hear. It's then that I am reminded that 3/4 of audience only came to see the handsome leading man.

Part 3:
My most treasured Christmas gifts this year were a comfy pair of slippers and bath robe, a photograph, a calendar and a loaf of Zucchini bread.  I've always tried to give gifts that were thoughtful and meaningful..gifts with a purpose. Often times I get left with a feeling it wasn't enough or there should have been more - disappointment is evident. I'm thinking that next year we will save the $5k and then some, we spent this year on airline tickets, gifts, and the cost of hosting guests for 10 days..and maybe put effort into handmade gifts and getting back to the basics of Christmas!

Part 4:
I have the most amazing husband. Next to him I am just chopped liver!

Part 5:
Peace