Feeling it..or not

When I can't seem to find the words to verbalize what I feel inside, I turn to my blog.

Today is one of those day - I just feel...well, sad, angry, small. I'm angry with myself for gaining back almost all of the 15 pounds I worked hard to lose and keep it off for almost 2 years. I've done it to myself, I could have said no to eating out lunch every single day instead of packing something healthy, I could've said no to just one more glass of wine or beer most nights (or no altogether), and I could've said no to the new Sprite train I've been on for a while. Even though I work out usually 4 times a week, I blow all the hard work within a few hours.

My hair is a freaking nightmare~  stuck between being straight and curly, between blondish, dull dark blonde and gray. I got my nails done Saturday and they look like red chicklets have been glued to my nailbeds. I am a fucking mess! So here I am today...fat, bloated, tight pants and ugly. And to top off this pity party - my 46th birthday is coming up!

I'm sad because I am not more than I am...more than I should be. I'm sad because I just am. It's hard to swallow, even after 2 1/2 years, that my folks aren't here to celebrate my birthday with me (or any thing else). Do you know what it's like to not be anyone's daughter/child any more? It's pretty damn lonely! The bandaid was just ripped off of my security and I still can't stop the bleeding. I'm angry about being gipped out of parents. No, they aren't watching me from heaven and celebrating with me..that is just fucking bullshit and it pisses me off to hear it. They aren't anywhere but dead.

I've been fighting a ligament issue in my leg for several months. I'm pissed at myself for finally reaching our to my step-son (a PTA) for help - but in true fashion, he blew me off. I'm mad with only myself for even going there, when I should have just googled rehab options myself or just gone to a real physical therapist. So I've wasted about 2 weeks of recovery and I'm sick to death of the pain and discomfort (and not being able to do a meaningful lower body workout at the gym). See..I'm such a loser.

I'm frustrated with myself for being sad and angry. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling so insecure about myself that I let it control me. I'm frustrated with myself for everything about Me! Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's my birthday looming, maybe it's just because it's Monday, April 30th, but I'm not feeling it today and yet I am feeling everything all at once.

Peace.