As the sun came up this morning my alarm didn't go off. I didn't over sleep and then rush around to grab a shower, get dressed and out the door to make it to work. Instead, I got up, brushed my teeth and set up my home work station at the kitchen table. Coffee in hand, still in my night gown, feet propped on a kitchen chair, hair unbrushed, radio (NPR) and glasses on, I began my work day at 8 am.
I needed a day.
A day to work at an unhurried pace. A day to take time to care for myself, my mind, my soul and my heart.
It was productive and healing - just what I needed.
I have been in a dark place lately. As much as I have tried to fight the fight... I found myself losing with each moment that passed. Lately I had been seeing myself outside of myself and the voices in the darkness were strong with the panic of urgency.
Depression and being happy are two completely separate emotions. Happy is what I feel...what I am....but depression lurks in a place that happiness and joy cannot touch. Depression is the black hole that pulls me under and scares me so. So much so that I just couldn't trust myself to drive today...to leave my home. Despite the solitude of living alone, I am safe inside these walls. It's "out there" where the darkness whispers to me when I am at my weakest.
I am loved. I know that...beyond all reason. Depression is not a reasonable thing. How long have I suffered from this? How long will I continue to suffer? It comes and goes...sometimes it stays longer than I can handle.
I don't need a hobby. I do not need something to keep my mind off of things and fill my "idle" time.
I suffer from depression. The same as others suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, or mental illness. I fight because I want to live. This too shall pass, again. It always comes back...
When it does I will take a day.
Peace
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