Independently Dependent

My name is Renee and I have/had an alcohol dependency problem.

Whew....I just wrote that, didn't I?

My spiral of dependency started 6 years ago after my parents died and my husband deployed. I found that a glass or bottle of wine would fill whatever emptiness that I had. It didn't, but not for lack of trying. Over the years I knew I had grown dependent on wine, although I never mentioned it to anyone. One glass turned into two, and before I could say stop...I was polishing off the whole bottle in a single night. Night after night. Oh my gosh, the money I have consumed.....

Throughout this current deployment I have found ways to justify and rationalize my drinking. Before going home from work I would mentally visualize what was in my wine stock to make sure there was enough for at least 2 glasses. If not, then I would stop for more....just in case. My consumption didn't have a stop button. I would wake each morning with a hazy head, sometimes throbbing, and swear by all things holy that I would not drink that night. I always failed miserably. Afterall, there is half a bottle left. Can't have that, right?

I would tell myself that I would NOT drink when I got home...even as I was filling my glass in the kitchen. 'Just a little', I reasoned with myself each time I removed the wine bottle stopper. I KNEW that I could not control myself but night after night I drank to relax, the sleep, to fill my time, to celebrate, to just because. I rationalized that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink all day and could go stretches without a glass of wine.

3 weeks ago, glass of white wine in hand, I started to Google "how to stop drinking". I wasn't looking for a fast fix, or a short term fix, but a sincere stop altogether. I've heard it said that when you admit to yourself that you have a problem, that is half of the battle. The other half is the war.  I have tried obstaining. I have tried prayer. I have tried avoiding situations. I was was defeated in my attempts and not strong enough to fight  my weakness. I came across a youtube video on hypnosis  for individuals who want to stop drinking. Silly stuff.... I laughed as I sipped. But, why not?

For 35 minutes I relaxed in the recliner with headphones and a voice in my ear.  Crazy much? I allowed the voice to walk through my path of dependency....to the other side. I didn't "feel" any different when the session was over. There was not a lightening bolt of realization  that hit me...nothing. I felt 'crazy' enough but glad I did something, even if it turned out to be 35 minutes of non-drinking time.

I picked up my glass of wine and walked to the kitchen. I no longer desired it and watched as I poured it down the sink. Day after day, night after night, I had no urge or desire to pour a glass. Even when I could see the wine in the cabinet, I wasn't pulled to open it. Not at all. I began taking a vitamin  mixture and herbal tea, both designed to detox my liver. Each passing day I felt better without drinking. I no longer thought about it nor obsessed about it.

Instead of telling my friends I allowed myself to have a glass or two of wine Friday night. My body revolted in a big way and I spent the weekend with a migraine. I guess I can't detox and drink at the same time, go figure. It was a good lesson for me anyway. A real reminder of what it's like to feel after a drink. Such an eye opener for me.

To my friends and family,  I am sorry for not confiding in you with this very personal struggle. I should have trusted you to help me with my accountability for sobriety. I'm okay now, although I know this will be an ongoing quest for me. It honestly no longer feels like a struggle...just a new adventure.

Peace