Weight, wait...don't tell me

According to the BMI chart I am 28.2 pounds over "normal" weight. To be considered "normal" I should weight between 101 and 136.

Could you imagine how emaciated I would look even at the highest of "normal". I would not look normal, nor feel normal. I would look like girlfriend needs a cheeseburger!

In an effort to assume "normal", I have counted  calories, points, grams, weighed & measured my food, liquefied my food, starved myself,made myself sick, all for the sake of just one more pound down.  I have hated myself, cried endlessly, and talked worse to myself in the mirror and said things that I would never say to someone I truly hated. I have shamed myself for not being more active, for having to buy a bigger size, for not looking like I did  20 years ago, and for being weak and eating one more calorie over my allotment. I have screamed in disgust at myself..."you are disgusting, you are weak, you are nothing, you are fat, no one could love you the way you are, your husband will leave, your children are embarrassed. ..." . Oh my goodness....the hateful things I was convinced were true.

I finally stopped. I finally said, WTF....I learned to accept myself, who I am (who I am not), to look at myself with love and acceptancd.

I stopped.

I do not diet. I do not shame myself. I do not talk down to myself. I do not worry about eating that cookie. I choose not to eat fast food or fried foods. I choose to eat healthy lean meats and fish. I choose to eat vegetables and fruits. I force myself to drink water. I choose to drink 1-2 cups of coffee daily, and to drink a sprite every once in a while. I choose to stop drinking. I choose to focus on  my health and not a number on the scale. I choose to dress for my body shape, to walk with my head up, to take care of my outer self and my inner self. I am confident and beautiful and Me.

On Facebook and in life I witness the self-loathing that society has forced us to accept in order to be in some crazy chart of "normalcy". "I'm trying to be good so I can't  eat that cheesecake (insert whatever), " If could just loose that last 5 pounds. .. ", "I hate how I look in that dress, ...", "No, don't take  my picture", " I will have my picture taken when I loose some weight", "I've been so good that I am having a cheat day today"...followed by "I hate myself for giving in".

I think I have said all of those things at least once or twice in my life. The truth is life is short. Fleeting. Not guaranteed. Here this moment and gone the next.

It drives me crazy to read or hear women (or men) talk about themselves as a size, a number, or a calorie-intake. We spend so much time beating ourselves up that we don't see how truly beautiful we are made to be. I may  ever be a size whatever again, but I am  beautiful anyway. I want to be in front of the camera with my children, grand children, family and friends and not shamefully behind the lense because someone may look at the picture and see my double chin.

Let's shake off the chains that weigh us down and walk head-up.

We own this damn place!

Peace