A Blessing in the Rear View Window

It has taken me 4 1/2 long years to see the Blessing in the timing and way that my parents died. Although it was devastating, shocking, and extremely unfair, my family & I did not have to painstakingly watch either of my parents die. We didn't have to make decisions for them to prolong life or prevent death. There wasn't a plug to be unplugged or a machine to turn off. 

They were just 

Gone. 

As the days and nights become longer than the given 24 hours, my cousins, Uncle and Aunt, remain trapped in a seemingly endless roller coaster that teeters on the edge of life and death. I cannot imagine the torture of a minute-by-minute vigil. Praying for life while also pleading for death to show mercy and end the suffering. My Aunt's body is ready but her mind is still alert enough to continue to fight...to plead for one more chance...one more procedure...on more breath...one more day. My Uncle grasps at each and every second to hold on to her; unable to accept what is happening and that he won't take her home again.

I wonder...what would I do if in my Aunt's situation - my mind is alert but I know the body is failing. The end is near but not close enough to end my suffering. Would I make the decision to let go of the hands of my husband, children, grandchildren - or would I continue to fight against the current for that one more time? With mercy, I pray for the decision to be taken from the hands of myself and my loved ones....the same prayer I pray for my Aunt.

There is no right or wrong here. 

Only life and death - which are really the same thing.

Peace.

Harder Than I Thought

My aunt is dying. My Mother's youngest sister. I thought since I didn't live near her or talk with her on a regular basis, that it wouldn't hurt so deep. I was wrong. The end of her life is nearing. My heart and stomach clinch in grief and I feel saddened for my cousins and Uncle. Since Mom and Dad died I put up this wall of strength towards death and dying. I lived through that trauma, nothing could hurt me as deeply after that. I became synical and unsympathetic, while at the same time not looking at death as personal any longer. Until now. It is personal..... it does hurt....it is here and I don't want to feel it.

Peace

Sleeping on the Couch

I remember when I was a kid that getting to sleep on the couch was the biggest treat of all treats! It was like playing hooky at bedtime... until I woke to see our friendly house ghost one dark night. Eeeeekkk! The first of several personal encounters with her.

Moving On.

So, a couple of years ago, following a surgery, I slept on the couch for almost 3 months. Having a sectional sofa made it easy for Rich to sleep with me. We got some awesome winks during those months. In the evenings, while watching TV, Rich lays down on our comfy sofa to catch a pre-bed nap - that man can drop off to sleep like a stone off of a cliff.

Last night the opportunity arose where we were almost giddy to sleep on the sofa again. Except this time....it wasn't near as much fun or comfortable. After about 2 hours of the restlessness my husband reached out, touched me on the head and said the SWEETEST most loving words E-V-E-R -

"You ready to go get in our bed"?

Yep - lead the way!

Settling into our bed was like slipping into our own little piece of heaven. As I settled in to being the little spoon, my husband slipped his arms around me and I whispered.

"Let's save sofa sleeping for times of surgery and night-time tv"

Peace

A Night To Remember

Well, if we could remember it.

Pook and I embarked our our first free weekend in 6 weeks, yesterday in typical "us" fashion. He worked on projects in the yard and I got head down and elbows up in house cleaning. That's just how we roll!

After getting cleaned and gussied up we head to 'town' with the intent to see a movie and grab some dinner. The movie was sold out (He wanted to see "Into the Storm" - seriously, when you live in tornado alley and have witnessed first hand the destruction they can do....why spend money to watch it a a theater???) so we took ourselves to our favorite Mexican restaurant. There we had a couple of drinks...well, I did - Rich, ummm...a couple more than necessary. The DJ/Singer had the place rocking - before we knew it we were joining a group of other patrons as they danced. Mind you....this is a restaurant...not a club, no dance floor. At some point we headed home with me behind the wheel. Having switched to Sprite during the evening, I followed the road to home. Rich went face down on the bed as soon as we got home - getting up once to go to the bathroom.

All I can say is that the night ended with a broken toilet and a fountain of water pouring from the tank. I cleaned up the mess, turned off the water and went to bed.

Rich woke up this morning wondering how we got home (I drove), did we pay the bill last night (yes, I called the restaurant to make sure), what did he do to the toilet (no idea) and pretty sure he tipped the bartender $80 (he only had $20 left in his wallet) - or he paid cash instead of with his card.

So, this is what happens when we wander out unsupervised on a Saturday night. I'm pretty sure he will not be getting out of bed today.

Peace

Breaking Bad ....

Habits.

I have a serious spending habit.  Not in a "I-can't-stop-myself" habit of shopping/spending, but in a "I spend a freaking lot of money in general". As I lay in bed other night thinking about finances, I actually thought the words "maybe I should get a second job".  WTH? 

I've worked many years to get to the professional level that I have achieved. I make good money and work my fanny off in a full-time job. The last thing I want to do is give up my free time and family time to work another job.  

I have a better idea. How about I just stop slow down the money leak?

Rich and I had a long talk at lunch today about money, our future, where we are and where we want to be. We only (God willing) have 10-15 years left to retire and we have got to get a grip! I'm putting my paycheck on a diet.....a budget. At lunch today I handed over my one single plastic to my husband. I did....I almost broke out in a cold sweat! He looked STUNNED. Like I had just grown a third eye...or dyed my hair periwinkle! I NEVER use my debit card so that little card has been my comfort ~ my "I-need" avenue to a new lipstick (or four), or something frivolus for the kids or grandkids. Now I will be forced to wing it, actually walk in a store to pay cash for my gas, and spend more deliberately.

Yikes!

I think giving up smoking was easier than this will be! I am too much like my own mother (may God rest her sparkly soul!).

Wish me luck and a Zoloft!

Peace

My Fifty Shades of Gray

There is no sizzling,  erotic plot here.... in my version of "Fifty Shades of Gray". No one is blind-folded and led down the sordid path of pleasure. My version consist of the fifth shades of Gray that are talking over my hair color.  Almost a year ago I put chemical coloring on my hair for the last time. .... well,  for the last time until I can't stand it anymore.  I wanted to see what happens and what my "natural" hair color looks like at 48.

Right now I'm styling an ombre look until my fading highlights become distant memories.  It's been tough seeing the change but intriguing at the same time. Each week I look at the progression of blonde transitioning to a darker blonde.  Some days I'm confident that I'm making the right decision,  and other days I wonder what in hell was I thinking?! This weekend,  as I was brushing my hair for bed.....I saw what I had been looking for.  The dreaded gray. Streaks. ...gray,  white,  mixed together in this amazingly shocking pool of color.  When I pull my hair back it is distinct. .... obvious.  For two night I have stared at what has become of my hair and age.  Do I keep going and let nature do her thing?  Do I throw in the towel and fight this this with everything my hair stylist has in her arsenal? I'm not as confident as I once was and the decision is not as black and white. ...errrr...blonde or gray.

I always thought that one day I would have the most amazing silver color that I would cut into a cute sleek bob.  I would have confidence beyond me dreams and I would wear those silver strands with a sense of pride and wisdom.  Right now,  I am standing on shaking legs and jonesing for some foil!

PEACE

Noise, Chaos, Laughter...

The Richardson Boarding House is never lacking in energy! It seems to always fill up with people - whether for an extended stay or just a pop-in or two. With it comes the highest level of energy and chaos that anyone can imagine. Little feet (times 6), laughing, crying, giggling, fighting over toys and utter meltdowns are the things that make our house everyone's home. Right now...its quiet. The little ones have gone for a little while and Rich and I are relishing the peacefulness ...but finding ourselves bored of the silence.

All is well in my soul, my home, my life.

Peace