Feeling it..or not

When I can't seem to find the words to verbalize what I feel inside, I turn to my blog.

Today is one of those day - I just feel...well, sad, angry, small. I'm angry with myself for gaining back almost all of the 15 pounds I worked hard to lose and keep it off for almost 2 years. I've done it to myself, I could have said no to eating out lunch every single day instead of packing something healthy, I could've said no to just one more glass of wine or beer most nights (or no altogether), and I could've said no to the new Sprite train I've been on for a while. Even though I work out usually 4 times a week, I blow all the hard work within a few hours.

My hair is a freaking nightmare~  stuck between being straight and curly, between blondish, dull dark blonde and gray. I got my nails done Saturday and they look like red chicklets have been glued to my nailbeds. I am a fucking mess! So here I am today...fat, bloated, tight pants and ugly. And to top off this pity party - my 46th birthday is coming up!

I'm sad because I am not more than I am...more than I should be. I'm sad because I just am. It's hard to swallow, even after 2 1/2 years, that my folks aren't here to celebrate my birthday with me (or any thing else). Do you know what it's like to not be anyone's daughter/child any more? It's pretty damn lonely! The bandaid was just ripped off of my security and I still can't stop the bleeding. I'm angry about being gipped out of parents. No, they aren't watching me from heaven and celebrating with me..that is just fucking bullshit and it pisses me off to hear it. They aren't anywhere but dead.

I've been fighting a ligament issue in my leg for several months. I'm pissed at myself for finally reaching our to my step-son (a PTA) for help - but in true fashion, he blew me off. I'm mad with only myself for even going there, when I should have just googled rehab options myself or just gone to a real physical therapist. So I've wasted about 2 weeks of recovery and I'm sick to death of the pain and discomfort (and not being able to do a meaningful lower body workout at the gym). See..I'm such a loser.

I'm frustrated with myself for being sad and angry. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling so insecure about myself that I let it control me. I'm frustrated with myself for everything about Me! Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's my birthday looming, maybe it's just because it's Monday, April 30th, but I'm not feeling it today and yet I am feeling everything all at once.

Peace.

Fiddle-de-dee

Rich is on business travel right now:

Me: "So...I'm not sure how this happened but I realized this morning that I am 4th on the list now. Yesterday the dogs barely ate and almost sniffed at their treats because YOU weren't there to give it to them. I don't even think they slept in the bedroom with me last night because you weren't there"

Rich: "I'm sure they did"

Me: "No, when I got up they were both moping on the couch. And when when I went to feed them breakfast they didn't budge. I even pulled out their treats and had to coax them off the couch to come and get it...then they drug their dog paws walking the 15 feet to me."

Rich: "It's because you did everything first and then gave them a treat. They are used to getting their treat first thing"

Me: "Ummmm...no. It's because you weren't there. How did I become 4th fiddle? I had accepted 3rd fiddle but now I have to suck-up 4th!"

There is a hierarchy in my family..maybe not an OFFICIAL one, but a hierarchy just the same. It goes something like this:

My Husband is in the lead position; followed by the following -

1. Kelley (our daughter)
2. Jake (our his dog)
3. Annie (Kelley's dog)
4. ME
5. Everything else

There was a time, albeit brief, that I was #1. It was a sweet, sweet moment. But then his little girl edged me out of my place and I humbly took the #2 fiddle seat. She was cute, big blue eyes and thought he hung the moon - still does! They can sit and talk for ever on the phone, I get a short "hey, how are you" conversation - or {ring, ring} "Hey Mom, can I talk to Dad?" Yep, I became #2 fiddle.

Then Jake the dog came running into our lives on his cute puppy feet. That tricky canine edged his way from the back yard, into the house, and into the #2 fiddle. He and Rich have a bond that not even deployment couldn't break. Jake was depressed, barely ate, moped around the whole stinking year no matter what I did to cheer him up. Then Rich came home and life went on.

Then Annie came along. Annie belongs to Kelley & her husband. Annie is also Jake's main squeeze. Once I settled into my #3 fiddle I realized recently that I had been moved to #4. I'm not even sure how or when that actually happened. But Annie, with her big-girl hips, doe-eyes and exciting personality trampled me on the stairs and took my spot!

When Rich gets home everyday the dogs just about hyperventilate when they sense him turning on the road leading to our home (about .70 miles away). They begin running in circles, high-fiving each other and doing flips! It's an amazing site...really. If we arrive home together I have to open the door quickly and get the hell out of the way or else get trampled by 110 lbs of collective dog-bodies in their bolt to get to Rich. Then they barrel-roll me going up the stairs to beat Rich to the top so they can start all over again with their happy dancing.

When I come home..I only hear crickets and the hum of the fridge. No greeting, no happy dog lovin'.

Rich: "Honey, you are still 2nd fiddle"

Me: "2nd fiddle? Who's 1st?? No, wait, I don't even want to know"

Peace

FR (OM) G...

F.R.G.

Yes, you read that right. Some people love them..some people hate them...some people wouldn't get involved is a large sum of money, fame and leave was riding on it! Being an FRG in a National Guard unit is definitely trying. I am the FRG President for my husband's Brigade & Units - albeit small (30 soldiers) - it's still pretty tough to get others involved. Unlike other units/brigades, our Soldier body is made up of E-5 and above only; so many of the spouses have done the FRG-thing for many years and have been bitten in the ass by a bad experience. Some spouses have already been there and done that and have no interest whatsoever in getting involved. Then there are a select few that do not support their spouse's military career at all and simply refuse to acknowledge it exist (he/she joined - not me). For me though, I wanted to get involved - just for the pure truth that our FRG leader sucked majorly and my husband was getting ready to deploy. She was ousted and I assumed the leadership role - selecting a couple of fantastic friends to help me pull this while thing off. Two year later...we are still hanging in there but getting tired and weary.

An FRG in a NG unit is a different (I think) from active Army. I could be wrong...I admit I could be wrong - so don't jump down my throat)..but we get together a couple of times throughout the year for events, pull together through deployment (again, we are a different brigade/MOS/unit - our soldiers deploy in small elite groups of 4), and I send out information I feel could be interesting. If it's something my husband would want or need to know - I send it out, otherwise I don't send out random shit that no one cares about. Usually I'm just emailing the soldier because their spouse doesn't want to be contacted and will not provide a contact email to the FRG. Sad...it really is.

So...why am I writing about FRG tonight...right now? Well, we have a fundraiser tomorrow at the armory (FRG Yard Sale), we've gotten lots of donations from out unit families but it's impossible to get anyone - other than my trusted leadership team (Secretary and Treasurer) to join the fun to help pull this off. Sometimes it really does take an Army to make something successful. We are burned out..done...and looking forward to this being our last fundraiser as part of the FRG leadership. We have a CoC in June and it will be the perfect time to pass the baton off to others. The sad thing is that there are no others stepping up to hand off to.

Right now, I am tired and cranky from spending most of my day with my Treasurer getting the Armory hall ready for the doors to open at 0700. I was embarrassed and honored that our Commander and FRG Liaison helped us set up for the last hour! They truly ROCK!

With a little luck we will make enough to pay for Family Day next month (you can bet your ass most all families will be there)...it would just be nice to have them help us earn the money.

Peace

What's up?

It's been too long since I've blogged. In case you were all wondering is I won the bog Lottery and kissed life as I know it good-bye...fear not...the $14 we won wouldn't even buy us 1/2 a tank of gas! So ~ life goes on and I seriously wouldn't have it any other way!

So much has happened lately and then again, not much at all. There are so many times throughout the day when I think "I should totally blog about this" but when I finally sit down to blog the moment and memory have passed and it seems pointless. It'd be awesome to be able to blog at just that right moment but I have an old school cell phone that doesn't quite lend me an opportunity to blog from it.

I've been riding the funk bus for about a week; although I think I'm coming out of it. It's be awesome to be able to say "this is what's wrong" but to be honest...sometimes there just doesn't seem to be a reason. Sadness/grief maybe? ummm...yeah. I don't think it's ever going to get better ~ but I can't lay the blame there. Stress at work? No, I hit the motherload with my new busy..busy..job and I can't be more happy there. Me and Rich? Nope, no cupie-doll for you! We are still rolling pretty tight. I have everything imaginable to make life happy (except my Mom and Dad)..but there just seems to be this sadness lingering underneath my heart. It literally keeps my mind running amok at night and I just cannot get restorative sleep. So...this train has been rolling around funky-town and I am so ready to get the hell off in another town!

Don't fret peeps...I'll be back soon with a blog that will knock your socks off!

Peace!

20 Minutes until Life Changes...

Well...for someone or some ones in the US. The Mega..mega..$640 gazillion lottery numbers will be revealed in 20 minutes. The odds are good but the odds are against you..me...us that I, you, we, will win  a mere few more jingles in our pocket. Honey spent about $80 bucks on tickets yesterday - but hey, someone has to win - why not us? Or You!

What would we do with a little more money in the bank? Would we be happier? I think not...I'm pretty stinking happy with my life right. I have healthy children and grandchildren. A husband that I adore and love with everything I am, regular 'intimate relations (yes, I went there), a career that is so much more than just a job, that I love, a comfortable home and family that I love.

It won't bring my paren't back so there is nothing money can buy that could fix that. Would it get us out of debt? Well, we really don't have much to worry about. Would we quit our jobs? Rich would in a New York minute..me, not so much. I love my job and I love working. Would we help our family out? Our kids...yes..our family...Yes - those that already help themselves. The ones that don't - no.   Would we donate money - I would to the American Heart Association and our local volunteer fire department who would put my house out of if it caught fire.

What would we buy? A new deck, a new bedroom suite, a really good camera. I can't think of anything else I would buy. Isn't that crazy? A bigger house? Hell no...my house is big enough...nice enough. an just enough. A new car? I love my car. A big boat? An island? I think I would rather renovate my Dad's boat and run it up and down the Tennessee River.

So..10 minutes now until some one's life changes. Whether we win a $1 or $640 million...my life changes every second., I love it more with each one that passes.

Good luck to you! To me! Be blessed regardless!

Peace!

Like a Thief in the Night

Rich and I went to bed last night laughing at the silliness that is our life..our relationship. We were playful as two little kids despite the graying hair and wrinkles. As he closed his eyes I watched the veil of sleep take him under. Soon his face relaxed and his breathing slowed to a steady rhythm. I lay there looking at this man who is my husband - I let a haughty thought cross through my mind like a whisper - how luck am I to be so in love with this wonderful man?

As I rolled my way and closed my eyes, my mind's eye envisioned my Dad and how he fell completely to pieces as he held my mother's lifeless body and begged God not to take her away. He died at that very moment; it took his body 2 days to release his soul. I could see myself doing the same thing if faced to walk this earth without Rich. I would beg, I would barter, I would be undone. The grief rose up in me before I could push it away. I felt the clutch of sorrow - of remembrance - of fear - as it took my throat and squeezed.

It has been a while since I allowed my heart to open enough to grieve and to feel the sting of death as fresh as it was the day we stood in the bitter cold January sun watching their bodies be placed into their final resting place. I cried there in the darkness as the heaviness of sadness rose up and sat on my chest.

Today I wonder how it is that I could love my husband so much, that to witness the ultimate love and sacrifice that my parents lived and died together for, could bring such sorrow?

Peace

5 Minutes to Blog

I'm such a slacker! I know...you don't have to nod your heads in agreement! I have about 5 minutes to throw my words out while at the same time eating breakfast (1 farm fresh egg - thanks to BETH and grits..I'm a Southern girl....don't judge!). So strap on your harness and hang tight...this will go fast.......

Job: Love, love, love it!! I am busier than a one-armed paper hanger (I don't mean to offend any one-armed paper hangers out there)~ after my first week of drinking out of a fire hydrant, terminating someone and calling my boss a 'ho' in a misspelled text (um yes, I did), I have really found my groove with my co-workers and work load. I feel like I have been there for ever!

Home: Oh my WORD..we have been in a massive whirlwind with a flooring company that we hired to  replace all of our flooring. We endured having to gut the house so they would have a clean slate..living out of boxes and amid dust. The hardwoods and carpet went in just fine - only to find out that our upgraded carpet had been replaced by a lower grade! THEN the guy doing our custom tiling in the master bathroom would work a few minutes a day - after 3 weeks we had enough and fired the company..but not before realizing the tile he was installing was a way cheaper grade than what we paid for! Coinkidink...I think not! The company sent another tiler in yesterday - they actually got all of the tile up but not grouted. Four weeks in...trust me when I say that this was not a HUGE bathroom! Rich will do the grout himself..none of us can take any more time off (Rich mostly) to babysit contractors! Come to find out that this flooring company isn't the reputable place we were led to believe! We still owe about $2k,,,don't think that's gonna happen!

Pollen: My, my, it's every where!!!!!!

Dreams: I've been having some strange dreams about my mother lately. Two nights ago I dreamed that I got a text from "Private number - Mom". I was confused about how she could be texting me? I don't remember what the text said...I wish I did. But I opened my phone and called her name..I heard her voice and static. She spoke a few things and then faded out. Last night's dream was just as strange. I miss her so much :o(

Husband: He is so freaking awesome! This morning I came our of the shower - ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE WE CAN"T USE OUR BATHROOM YET - and Rich was standing in the bedroom butt naked. I said "You are just walking around as naked and can be", He said: "yep, took us 15 years to get to this point"! Love him!!

Okay peeps..that's all I got for now..gotta shoot out of here and head to work!

Peace!