It Wasn't a Train

If, like me, you suffer from depression and anxiety, you get just how easy it can be to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is a train barreling down the track to wipe you out. I definitely have felt my tracks shake at the thundering sounds and bright light heading my way. There have been times that I have hoped for a train just to end the darkness that gripped me.

When I was young adult  - early to mid 20's, I felt 'empty' and 'sad-but-not-sad' every so often; at the time I wasn't familiar with the meaning of  depression so I couldn't find the words to explain (or understand) what I was feeling. After a few days I would come out of "it" and all would be right in the world again. Circumstance, Days, Months and Years would pass before I would feel the darkness again. It always went away but it always came back - for no reason or warning.

At 49 I have finally come to admit, and not be ashamed to say, that I do suffer from depression and anxiety. The feelings grow more intense the older I get; sometimes it is difficult to believe I will come out of it one more time. But I do. I have an amazing life with a strong family and friend base...and I don't want to check out and miss a single moment of what the future holds. I think that it is important to acknowledge when I am struggling, to reach out, keep talking and keep living.

Peace

Taking a Day

As the sun came up this morning my alarm didn't go off. I didn't over sleep and then rush around to grab a shower, get dressed and out the door to make it to work. Instead, I got up, brushed my teeth and set up my home work station at the kitchen table. Coffee in hand, still in my night gown, feet propped on a kitchen chair, hair unbrushed, radio (NPR) and glasses on, I began my work day at 8 am.

I needed a day.

A day to work at an unhurried pace. A day to take time to care for myself, my mind, my soul and my heart.

It was productive and healing - just what I needed.

I have been in  a dark place lately. As much as I have tried to fight the fight... I found myself losing with each moment that passed. Lately I had been seeing myself outside of myself and the voices in the darkness were strong with the panic of urgency.

Depression and being happy are two completely separate emotions. Happy is what I feel...what I am....but depression lurks in a place that happiness and joy cannot touch. Depression is the black hole that pulls me under and scares me so. So much so that I just couldn't trust myself to drive today...to leave my home. Despite the solitude of living alone, I am safe inside these walls. It's "out there" where the darkness whispers to me when I am at my weakest.

I am loved. I know that...beyond all reason. Depression is not a reasonable thing. How long have I suffered from this? How long will I continue to suffer? It comes and goes...sometimes it stays longer than I can handle.

I don't need a hobby. I do not need something to keep my mind off of things and fill my "idle" time.

I suffer from depression. The same as others suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, or mental illness. I fight because I want to live. This too shall pass, again. It always comes back...

When it does I will take a day.

Peace

The Catch

The emotions that tighten around my throat are so strong. I don't think I can breath anymore. The catch deepens with each tear that tries to fall. Kind of like a bark collar...each bark sends a signal at the sound, teaching a dog not to bark. I am the dog...but not. I begin to cry and my throat closes around itself. It catches - teaching me not to cry empty tears. 

I am tired. So tired. 

I can only use so much lipstick to mask what lurks underneath.  The thoughts that plague my head are dangerous and they scare me. The pull, the push, is almost too much that I want to throw my hands up and surrender. To stop the madness that I become when I am left to my own self. I am not made for this. I am not strong enough for this.

I am tired.

So tired.

Peace

A Long Drag

I walked into the house tonight. To the stillness. The all familiar quiet. The sound of the dogs "Mom, we are soooo happy to see you" was only a ploy for their afternoon treats. They turned their wet noses up at their dinner and have ignored me for the past 2 hours.

Typical.

Fucking dog.

I will play their damn games...feed, treat, water, repeat.

Life went on.

I turned on NPR, filled a wine glass and cooked dinner for one; the dinner was enough for dinner, lunch & dinner tomorrow. I found  myself staring through the kitchen window into the livingroom....just staring.

I missed her. I wanted to call my her. I wanted to hear her voice..just once...oh God, just one more time. I wanted so bad to call Heaven and beg for her to come back.

Life without a Mother is the loneliest feeling in the entire world! A Mother is the one person who loves you at your complete worse. She was always there...here...every where. I could call her anytime....I could touch her, kiss her, feel her every where. Now...it's an emptiness - a void so deep and wide -  that that is still so fucking unbearable almost 6 years later.

I need a drag from the longest cigarette known to man. A long, slow drag.

Peace

Tired

I am tired.
Of deployment
Of loneliness
Of myself
Of talking
Of silence
Of crying
Of trying
Of failing
Of life
Of living
I am tired

Note: No. I dont want to talk about this post. Don't ask me.

Facebook

This morning I did something I have wanting to do for a while....I pulled the plug on my Facebook account. For the longest time I have been over Facebook....bored with it and tired of the constant political, religious, homophobic  whinning, and memes.

Today a personal situation occured that prompted me to remove a post. As I started to do that I found myself going to my account and hitting deactivate instead. Such a moment of pure liberation.

Like any habit..if I can make it the first 30 days, I think I will be homefree...errrr, facebook free.  I will have to be diligent to maintain the real friendships the old school way. If anything, it will validate who my friends actually are.

Peace

Ugh...

This morning I woke up feeling like a complete failure. Maybe it was the fact it was another day of deployment or the self-hate I have for myself for breaking my goal not to drink, and having two beers last night at dinner with friends.
Either way I woke up feeling "off" and defeated. I spent the day in self-loathing and wanting to break something....any thing.

Now I am sitting in my car, at the airport. following a work function, and my car battery is flipping dead.

Really???

Damn