Stage 4

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I'm not sure when I entered this Stage of Grief..but I know when I realized it existed and I was in it. Before that moment of clarity I was been successful in just "ignoring" that Mom & Dad were gone and that my husband was deployed. I allowed my mind to click into auto-pilot and just 'get through' the days and nights. I pretended a lot that all three were traveling/vacationing/working.

Kelley & I took a trip back down South recently to visit extended family. It wasn't the crying-sad trip that my first visit turned in to...this one was more...pleasant with an agenda. Somewhere along the way, among boiled peanuts and white acre peas; among the memories of that little town...I began feverishly pointing out things that I wanted Kelley to know - so I didn't forget. "There's the house where your Grandaddy took piano lessons when he was a little boy. Right there, that's where the cotton mill was that your Papa worked - where he was injured one time and almost died. See that place? That's where my Uncles had a mechanic shop one time and across the street - that used to be a Jr. Food store where my Aunt worked. We used to get slushies there. There's the hospital where your Aunt Rhonda and I were born. That patch of land there, is where you my grandparents had a house...and up the road - another spot where another house stood; the one they lived in when my grandaddy died. There's the house my grandmama moved into after grandaddy died.....there's the little place my papa used to take us for ice cream...The stories spilled out in a desperate attempt to hold on to memories I had been told, and some that I remember. If I forgot them - would I forget those I loved and lost? My aunt gave me cornmeal to take home. You just can't get this kind of cornmeal anywhere - the same with the white acre peas. They are a treasure from the South and I always feel like the goose that laid the golden egg when I have them!

I realized on the way home that I had no idea what to do with the cornmeal. Did I have the kind you bake or the kind you fry? I didn't ask my aunt. And the peas my Mother always brought back from her trips and cooked up for us... I don't know to cook them. I think she added a little oil - but I can't be sure. It was then that I realized I couldn't call her and ask her. She wasn't there to walk me through fried cornbread. I would never again be able to pick up the phone and tell Daddy about me & Kelley having breakfast with one of his classmates. They were gone and were never coming back. They would be gone for the rest of my life. Stage 4.

In bed that night I lay on my side of the bed. The reality finally registered that this was how my every night would be for the next 250+ days...it hit hard. I would feel this way every single night until my husband returned (then the sorrow of 'what if"). Being on auto-pilot had shielded me from the realization of loneliness - now the wound of honesty was open and bleeding. No matter how much I wanted and prayed - my husband would be gone until time to return. Stage 4.

I've cried many tears since returning from my trip to South Alabama and memory lane. I can't pretend anymore..this is how my life will be until....

It's difficult for others to understand the grief of losing both parents at the same time. Friends and family tend to freeze and change the subject when I bring up a memory or mention my parents. There's no release from the grief when I can't feel like I can talk through the emotions. It makes for a very sad and lonely existence. Then you add the layer of deployment on top - that adds to the distance from others because they don't "get" it. They also don't get that in 7 months I have lost and/or been separated from 3 of the most significant emotional support pillars in my life.

Right now I feel very fragile and 'not' strong in emotion or spirit. I miss the part of grief when I was on auto-pilot and just going through the physical motions without the emotions.

I hear there's Stage 5 coming at some point. Please, God...make Stage 4 go away!