Geesh...some people drive me insane! Take the Twilight frenzy...for example. Rich and I had not seen any of the Twlight movies until recently. (As a matter of fact we've not seen any Harry Potter or Lord of the Ring flixs either, but that is a completely different blog).
After Christmas we decided to go ahead and watch all of the Twilight movies, to include going to the theatre to catch the latest and greatest film. I will admit that we really did like the movies...very well done and the story line was not too shabby. While the last film held a huge cliffhanger in the air we were not inclined to go out an get the book just to see what will happen in the next movie - we can wait. And..to answer the burning question..we did NOT join either "Team".
So, what's my deal-i-o? Grown ass people who do not separate fact from fiction...a script from real life. In fact, GROWN ADULTS (in their mid-late 30's) who refer to each other as "Bella" and "Edward" in person and on Facebook! First of all...YOU are NOT Bella and He is NOT Edward! Your names are "XXXX' and "XXXX". Grow the hell up and play in the real world! These folks even had their 2011 Christmas ornaments designed with their fictitious names! When I see Him refer to her as Bella I feel the bile rising in my throat. A recent post between them "Bella loves her Edward" and the response "Edward loves his Bella" just about had me one itchy trigger finger away from hitting the 'unfriend' button - or at the very least, losing my lunch! In the end I just 'unsubscribed' to their nonsense so I can't see their ridiculous posts.
Maybe I see the whole fantasy-role-playing all wrong and maybe they use their sudo names as foreplay to some freaky, wicked romp in the hay. If that's the case..then rock on Folks! Whatever works between the sheets for you! Then again, maybe to pretend to live in and get lost in the seduction of vampires and wolves is better than facing a mundane existence (not accusing here..just saying). To each his/her own I guess.
It's just a movie..or series of movies Folks! Just sayin'!
Peace!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Taking off the Cloak of Grief
Saturday I went to get my nails done and a pedicure! This was a true treat for me because I had been putting it off for months because I was just too busy with holiday stuff. "Pick a color" is the first thing the nail tech tells me after finding out what service I want done. I browsed around at the smorgasbord colors - I usually zero in on go with a red for my toes and something ultra subdued on my nails; so not to draw attention. As I reached for a neutral (depressing) color my hand stopped in mid-reach.
In the blink of my mind's eye I saw myself as I have been for 2 years. I spent the first year after Mom and Dad died and Rich was deployed, just existing..not wanting to be noticed because the pain I was in was just too great. I got rid of my 'before' clothes, (the ones that reminded me of life before they died and before Rich left for War) - because I was no longer the same person as I was 'before". I was a changed woman - different. I had become empty, lonely, grief-stricken and ultimately broken. My wardrobe became filled with varying shades of grey and black with a splash of white thrown in. My rainbow of life had lost it's color. In my head I just couldn't brighten my clothes when I felt like I was still in mourning...it just didn't feel right.
Year two rolled around and eventually Rich came home. I added some green and a red sweater here and there so I didn't look as morbid. With my husband's help my closet began to brighten up some, but I still resisted to come out of my mourning clothes. I WANTED to...I longed to.
But, something happened when I reached for that little bottle of nail polish. I knew at that moment that I wanted to mourn no more. No matter how much I wish..or grieve, they are dead and will be dead tomorrow. I have to find a peace about it and force myself to move on. For some reason I still mourned for Rich while he was deployed although he came home to me - for the year lost that I still can't remember or get back. Standing there in that nail shop I realized it was time. Time to leave my self-imposed exile and give myself permission to live, to laugh, to breath, the feel the sun on my face, to accept life again. I knew it was time to throw off my mourning clothes and take in the colors that represent beauty, rebirth, love and life..I'm scared (so scared) but ready to find the part of myself that enjoyed every single day "before".
I passed over the dark red, the neutral browns..I found a happy feeling, peace in a bottle that my fingers picked up and handed to my nail technician:
It looks purple in the picture but it really is Blue.
It's a start!
Peace!
In the blink of my mind's eye I saw myself as I have been for 2 years. I spent the first year after Mom and Dad died and Rich was deployed, just existing..not wanting to be noticed because the pain I was in was just too great. I got rid of my 'before' clothes, (the ones that reminded me of life before they died and before Rich left for War) - because I was no longer the same person as I was 'before". I was a changed woman - different. I had become empty, lonely, grief-stricken and ultimately broken. My wardrobe became filled with varying shades of grey and black with a splash of white thrown in. My rainbow of life had lost it's color. In my head I just couldn't brighten my clothes when I felt like I was still in mourning...it just didn't feel right.
Year two rolled around and eventually Rich came home. I added some green and a red sweater here and there so I didn't look as morbid. With my husband's help my closet began to brighten up some, but I still resisted to come out of my mourning clothes. I WANTED to...I longed to.
But, something happened when I reached for that little bottle of nail polish. I knew at that moment that I wanted to mourn no more. No matter how much I wish..or grieve, they are dead and will be dead tomorrow. I have to find a peace about it and force myself to move on. For some reason I still mourned for Rich while he was deployed although he came home to me - for the year lost that I still can't remember or get back. Standing there in that nail shop I realized it was time. Time to leave my self-imposed exile and give myself permission to live, to laugh, to breath, the feel the sun on my face, to accept life again. I knew it was time to throw off my mourning clothes and take in the colors that represent beauty, rebirth, love and life..I'm scared (so scared) but ready to find the part of myself that enjoyed every single day "before".
I passed over the dark red, the neutral browns..I found a happy feeling, peace in a bottle that my fingers picked up and handed to my nail technician:
It's a start!
Peace!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Just Thinking Out Loud to Myself
So......
as I've stated before, I feel very under-utilized at work. It's been a tough year trying to find meaningful work to do on a regular basis - and it's been tough to keep my professional ego in check because of it. Throughout last year I noticed that whenever there was a transition of duties (whether through reduction, retirement, or resignation), mysupposed equal co-worker would be given additional responsibilities and I would be handed a very teensy tiny role. I've sucked it up and swallowed my frustration because..hey, I need my job. But today I found out that this particular co-worker was once again given a major responsibility role and I obviously wasn't considered. It's frustrating to me because I HAVE experience in this new role and 10 plus more years of experience over my co-worker. So I have to ask myself:
My choice of actions are:
as I've stated before, I feel very under-utilized at work. It's been a tough year trying to find meaningful work to do on a regular basis - and it's been tough to keep my professional ego in check because of it. Throughout last year I noticed that whenever there was a transition of duties (whether through reduction, retirement, or resignation), my
- Is it because I'm female?
- Is it because I'm Caucasian - yes, I just went there?
- Is it because I don't sit in our boss's office numerous times a day to get a personal level?
- Is it because my co-worker is working on an MBA and I hold 2 B.S. degrees?
- Is it because I could be sitting in a lay-off position at some point and my boss doesn't want to give me added responsibility?
- Is it because of my age - and that my co-worker is 10 years younger?
My choice of actions are:
- Aggressively look for another job
- Suck it up and see what happens
- Talk honestly and openly with my Boss
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Holy Working-Out Batman
After 2 weeks of Holiday-season madness, Rich & I hit the gym again on Tuesday! It was like starting all over again - except with 8-10 pounds of wine, beer, cookies, cake, and eating-out strapped on! Ugh! So for 3 days we have hit the gym hard, sworn off booze until the weekend (when we may or may not drink moderately if at all), and have file-13'd the sweets left laying around.
In our gym world we arrive at 4:30am! That's A.M. - as in 'after midnight'...as in it requires getting up between 4:00-4:15am...as in it's soooo soooo damn early!
And it hurts!! I am still feeling the effects of the workout I did 3 days ago! Today I am just exhausted and there is not one part of my body that does not hurt in some way! (I think I just broke my resolution to complain less!). This too shall pass in time but daaaaa-aaamn!
I found this little diddy on Pinterest..and I like it. A Lot! Ineed to WILL read this over and over and over again every single day. Several times a day!
Peace!
In our gym world we arrive at 4:30am! That's A.M. - as in 'after midnight'...as in it requires getting up between 4:00-4:15am...as in it's soooo soooo damn early!
And it hurts!! I am still feeling the effects of the workout I did 3 days ago! Today I am just exhausted and there is not one part of my body that does not hurt in some way! (I think I just broke my resolution to complain less!). This too shall pass in time but daaaaa-aaamn!
I found this little diddy on Pinterest..and I like it. A Lot! I
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
It's a New Year
2012!
WOW!
When I was a wee tot I remember playing with a calculator that I stashed into my my little girl purse that I carried to church with me one day. I sat on the pew next to my sister and every so slightly; so not to catch Daddy's eye (he was a deacon and sat behind the pulpit), I plunked out numbers to calculate how old I would be in every-how-many years. This was back in the mid-70's so years like 1990, 2000, even 2010 seemed like I was talking about life on a different planet. Sooooo far away that I just could not comprehend that I would actually be alive to see years with such BIG numbers!
At that time in my life I was wondering when I would get boobs, what year I would turn 16 and if Mama was going to make Taco Salad for Sunday lunch! I couldn't help but let my young mind visualize the craziest things, like flying cars or teleporting like on Star Trek had to be in the future.
But here I sit 35 years later in the year 2012! I've seen 8-track tapes be replaced by cassettes then CD's. The birth of the Microwave. VCRs become DVD players. console TV's be replaced by hi-def flat screens with 3D capabilities with REMOTES! Pagers transitioned to cell phones, and the Commodore 64 grow to the laptop I am using now!
So, 2012!
I'm 45, a wife, mother and Grandmother. My, how life has changed!!
WOW!
When I was a wee tot I remember playing with a calculator that I stashed into my my little girl purse that I carried to church with me one day. I sat on the pew next to my sister and every so slightly; so not to catch Daddy's eye (he was a deacon and sat behind the pulpit), I plunked out numbers to calculate how old I would be in every-how-many years. This was back in the mid-70's so years like 1990, 2000, even 2010 seemed like I was talking about life on a different planet. Sooooo far away that I just could not comprehend that I would actually be alive to see years with such BIG numbers!
At that time in my life I was wondering when I would get boobs, what year I would turn 16 and if Mama was going to make Taco Salad for Sunday lunch! I couldn't help but let my young mind visualize the craziest things, like flying cars or teleporting like on Star Trek had to be in the future.
But here I sit 35 years later in the year 2012! I've seen 8-track tapes be replaced by cassettes then CD's. The birth of the Microwave. VCRs become DVD players. console TV's be replaced by hi-def flat screens with 3D capabilities with REMOTES! Pagers transitioned to cell phones, and the Commodore 64 grow to the laptop I am using now!
So, 2012!
I'm 45, a wife, mother and Grandmother. My, how life has changed!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
'Twas the Blog After Christmas
Part 1:
The week that I dread all year has begun..my own private Hell week. It began yesterday, Dec. 28th and runs through Jan. 3rd and represents every thing associated with my Mom and Dad's deaths 2 years ago. Yesterday I woke up irritable as the anxiety started to build and I was faced with the last day of my Mother's life. Today, 2 yrs ago..she unexpectedly died. Last night the 24 hours before and after her death ran through my head like a projector strip on auto replay. Again and again the visions and sounds haunted me, forcing me to go back to those days of despairing loss ~ they will continue through Dad's death on Dec. 31. When the final scene of their burial is played, the curtains will be drawn again.
But, don't worry...you won't see me cry. I promise not to talk about it because I know how it makes people uncomfortable. I'm actually not depressed, or overwhelmingly despondent, or unhappy...just heavy-hearted.
Part 2:
We flew the West Coast kids home for the holidays. It went as I expected - no better than or worse than..but just as I expected.Whether it's here in the South or in the West, it all plays out the same. In this film I play the role of the hostess..the maid..the hired help - cooking, cleaning, making sure every one has what they need for comfort and convenience, and all the while making sure to stay out of the scene. When I wander onto the set to beg for a morsel of the fan fair, to bask for a moment in the warmth from the glow of the stage light that I think was left on for me...for ME..the lights go dim and the sounds of crickets are all I hear. It's then that I am reminded that 3/4 of audience only came to see the handsome leading man.
Part 3:
My most treasured Christmas gifts this year were a comfy pair of slippers and bath robe, a photograph, a calendar and a loaf of Zucchini bread. I've always tried to give gifts that were thoughtful and meaningful..gifts with a purpose. Often times I get left with a feeling it wasn't enough or there should have been more - disappointment is evident. I'm thinking that next year we will save the $5k and then some, we spent this year on airline tickets, gifts, and the cost of hosting guests for 10 days..and maybe put effort into handmade gifts and getting back to the basics of Christmas!
Part 4:
I have the most amazing husband. Next to him I am just chopped liver!
Part 5:
Peace
The week that I dread all year has begun..my own private Hell week. It began yesterday, Dec. 28th and runs through Jan. 3rd and represents every thing associated with my Mom and Dad's deaths 2 years ago. Yesterday I woke up irritable as the anxiety started to build and I was faced with the last day of my Mother's life. Today, 2 yrs ago..she unexpectedly died. Last night the 24 hours before and after her death ran through my head like a projector strip on auto replay. Again and again the visions and sounds haunted me, forcing me to go back to those days of despairing loss ~ they will continue through Dad's death on Dec. 31. When the final scene of their burial is played, the curtains will be drawn again.
But, don't worry...you won't see me cry. I promise not to talk about it because I know how it makes people uncomfortable. I'm actually not depressed, or overwhelmingly despondent, or unhappy...just heavy-hearted.
Part 2:
We flew the West Coast kids home for the holidays. It went as I expected - no better than or worse than..but just as I expected.Whether it's here in the South or in the West, it all plays out the same. In this film I play the role of the hostess..the maid..the hired help - cooking, cleaning, making sure every one has what they need for comfort and convenience, and all the while making sure to stay out of the scene. When I wander onto the set to beg for a morsel of the fan fair, to bask for a moment in the warmth from the glow of the stage light that I think was left on for me...for ME..the lights go dim and the sounds of crickets are all I hear. It's then that I am reminded that 3/4 of audience only came to see the handsome leading man.
Part 3:
My most treasured Christmas gifts this year were a comfy pair of slippers and bath robe, a photograph, a calendar and a loaf of Zucchini bread. I've always tried to give gifts that were thoughtful and meaningful..gifts with a purpose. Often times I get left with a feeling it wasn't enough or there should have been more - disappointment is evident. I'm thinking that next year we will save the $5k and then some, we spent this year on airline tickets, gifts, and the cost of hosting guests for 10 days..and maybe put effort into handmade gifts and getting back to the basics of Christmas!
Part 4:
I have the most amazing husband. Next to him I am just chopped liver!
Part 5:
Peace
Sunday, December 25, 2011
It's Christmas..
The gifts have all been opened, Christmas breakfast dishes have been cleaned up, afternoon food has been prepared and set about, most of the kids have moved on to other places and celebrations. It is in this lull that I slipped off to my closet to cry the tears of longing for my parents. My heart hurts and my chest is heavy. Two years ago today was our last Christmas with them... the last of everything with them forever and ever. The pains of missing them is intense and the feelings of grief are right under the surface of my being. If I could stay in my closet..on my stool..all day long, I would; but I think if I went there I would never come out again. I have to force myself not to get lost in my grief, lest I never find my way back to the light.
Peace.
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