The Dark Days

I still have them...just without drinking through them. Sometime I wish I could, but it's not an option if I want to live.

Peace

Walking the Aisle

I wanted to drink an hour ago. After an emotional cry and heavy-hearted, I did what any alcoholic avoids ..... I walked the booze aisle at Publix. Oh, my old friends, I've missed seeing them. I wanted to run my hands across the bottles wine and read the labels. I wanted to go back in time 5 1/2 years and erase the sobriety I have fought to maintain. I envisioned selecting a bottle of wine for my cart....what would it taste like, after all of these years of 12-stepping?  Would the obsession in my mind start a craving in my body?  I remember those cravings, the obsession, the cost, the climb from rock bottom. Yet, I still wanted the drink today.

I wanted it - still do.

The struggle is real!

September Already?

How in the world did it get to be September? Wasn't it JUST February?

I'm sitting here on the back porch, coffee within reach, listening to the sound of the fan blowng and a random bird chirping. It's relatively quiet and kinda peaceful.  It's Labor Day - no plans, expectations or obligations await the day. Without a plan I am sitting here thinking, "Shit, this is a tad boring"...but then I thought..."wow, how awesome to just BE".

Just BE - what does that even mean to me? When I reflect on that I realize that I have no earthly idea how to just relax and let the day unfold as it does without any help from me. Am I lazy?  Maybe. But in a good way.  I spend countless days wishing for these moments of nothingness and when I finally get them I feel like I should be doing something to fill the minutes.  Isn't it okay to take minutes and just enjoy that I have them and let that be enough?

A work I am co-worker, manager, and liason. At home I am wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend.  There is a deep pull to happily balance every single person and responsibility at once while sacrificing Renee; the person behind the person.  I have forgotten, or not noticed, that Renee actually exists somewhere amid the busy chaotic lifestyle that is my life.

It's September. Leaves will start to change as the seasons morphe to another. It's time to morphe with the colors of red, orange and yellow and take times of self-care and selfishness and just BE. Just BE and learn to love myself - to Life myself - to be in love with Renee so that I can honestly give my love to those I love!

Peace, Love and Coffee!

It Was Just A Dream

Do you remember back when one whole season of Dallas ended up being a dream?
No? Then I have just dated myself in a major way!

I find that I dream A LOT! And there are some dream I have many times over, and some that I can't seem to get out of even after waking up to go pee in the middle of the night. Nope, I close my eyes and I pick up where I left off. Oh, talk about peeing, because I brought it up, I find that sometimes I dream that I can't stop needing to Lee but not much comes out. Or that I can't find a bathroom.....all this means is that I really need to wake up and go pee!  (When I type the word "pee" it auto-corrects to "Lee" 😂

Back to dreaming...after 21 years of marriage I STILL dream my husband is having an affair, had one and just disclosed it, or that I've caught him with his hands in someone else's cookie jar! I hate those dreams...and then I wake up all pissed and wondering if there is any insecurity I am having. Last night I dreamed I caught him in a lie about an affair and he cried like a baby for forgiveness....then at confessing time he disclosed there had been three (2 women and a man). WTH....

Seriously...What-the-hell???? I told him, in the dream, he could pound sand and that everyone we have ever know would know the reason for our divorce.  No "irreconcilable differences" here, on no....full disclosure baby!!! I took pleasure in the humiliation.

Why? What do those dreams mean? Other than to serve as a reminder to my husband that I would make his life hell before, during and afterwards if he went there!

What happened to dreaming about flying and secret passageways in my grandmother's house that never existed in real life?

Peace, Love and Sweet Dreams only,
Renee

Wind Chimes on the Back Porch

It's Thursday afternoon and I find myself on the back porch, booted foot elevated, working...not working...working again. The windchimes are dancing and singing.

I miss my Mom.

Peace

Life 5.0

Has it REALLY been years since I’ve logged in to plunk out a post?
Geesh.... ya’ll!

As I sit here on my porch (wearing the boot of shame as a result of my utter clumsiness) I came across the link to my blog. I hadn’t forgotten about it... seriously... I just took an extended Life break. And what a life break it has been.

 I think the last few post that I published talked about moving to the lake house, my husband returning from deployment, and us learning how to be a married couple again. Well, life took a turn and we moved on. No, Rich and I did not move apart but I made some life changes that were very critical not only in our marriage but in my life.

After struggling for many years with my drinking, March 20, 2017 I walked into my first AA meeting. I’ve been sober every day since . I had to learn that I drink not out of grief, out of loneliness, out of excitement, or out of boredom, but because My name is Renee and I’m an alcoholic. I had spent years fooling myself that I was just a casual drinker but in reality there was nothing casual about me when I picked up the bottle. My sobriety journey will definitely be shared in future post so just hold onto your hats friends.

As part of my journey it meant that we needed to move away from the lake house that we love so much. The isolation for me was just unbearable and I was not able to come to terms with being so far away from Civilization. So Rich and I set about building our final home  A little over a year ago. We bought some land and built a house that not only we love, but our family loves as well. It’s just Rich and I here, which is so unusual for us, but we like the peacefulness in the quietness and knowing this is the home that we will stay in as long as we’re given the chance.

I’m not even sure I remember how to blog And I’m hoping that I can remember how to post it. I can’t remember how to add pictures Or links, so this will be a learning experience all over for me. But for some reason I’m excited about this opportunity to put my thoughts and my life back out there because each day I’m grateful to be able to exhale.

Peace and Love

(Blowing the Mic.....)

Hello...... (echo.....echo....)
Anyone here? (echo.....echo)

Hi, my name is Renee and I used to be a blogger.
Kinda.....sorta. Once upon a time and space.

I'm not sure what happened to me. I  was walking alone on main street in Blogville when a bus came along and stopped for me. Weird, because I wasn't waiting on a bus. The doors swung open and before I could tell myself this was a baaaaad idea, I was on-board. Amid the familiar and unfamiliar faces that once lived in Blogville, I sat down and watched Blogville get smaller in the distance. After what seemed like for hours, we finally stopped at a place called Life. We got off to pee, grab a bite to eat, a cup of joe...before heading back out to....I'm not even sure. Just as I turned to get back on the bus the doors shut. I ran and yelled but I had been left behind. Damn that  cinnamon roll that I just had to have!!!

I turned my back to the dusty road, defeated and weakened by a cinnamon roll. I have no idea how I got there or where I was, but here I was....in Life.

That's why I haven't blogged....I've been stuck in Life.

Peace