Dear Mom

I miss you so much.

My heart aches for you everyday...some days more than others.
Like today.

I wish I could roll back time, knowing what I know now, and save you. Without Daddy by your side, I would only be saving myself this incredible grief, but I would do it just to keep you with me. I would have been selfish that way because I know how it feels to live without you too.

I miss you.

Peace

Last Saturday Night?

This could possibly be the last Saturday night that I slid under the covers of my bed...without my husband by my side.
Possibly. 
Maybe.

Not likely.
But I'm hopefully optimistic.

Peace

Dear Alice....

I wish that I could do this - make a "Final" decision and stick to it.

But, honestly....I can't.

I realize that I miss my friend...my confidant, my 'go to' when I needed to talk and just be heard without fear of judgment. I missed my personal place where I could let my crazy run wild and free. I missed the home that I made within the lines of my page. My stool in the closet where I could sit and cry or think. I found myself grieving for my voice more than I ever imagined I would.

I missed my Blog.
I wanted to stop. I really, really WANTED to stop.

I convinced myself that it was time...for the best...to move on. I thought the words had ceased to exist inside of me and there was nothing left for me in this space of Blogville ~ not realizing that it was just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one.

I was wrong.

This IS my place, and my story is never-ending. There will always be something that I want to share with no one else but me. There will forever be stories, and laughter, and sadness, and joy that I cannot...and should not...contain, lest I burst all of my crazy seams.

So, I inhale again - but this time it is a sweet inhale.

I Have Exhaled

I've  heard it said that 'when you know.....you just know'.

My friends...I just know.

After 6 years of blogging and sharing my story along the way, I have decided to end my blog right here...right now. Instead of putting my life into words, I will now focus on putting my life into action.

All 6 years of posts have been unpublished...good memories.

There is no long drawn out Good-bye...

I have exhaled.

It's just The End.

Peace

Acts of Kindness

My mother taught me to be loving, kind and giving. I have to admit that I love this inherited quality about myself because it gives me such happiness to give to those that I love. Not only monetarily, but emotionally. As wonderful as this trait is, it is also a curse.

I have a difficult time NOT being loving, kind and giving...even when I know it will never be reciprocated or appreciated. It's in those moments when I end up with hurt feelings and a dampened spirit....not that I expect anything in return, but because I guess I do..

As much as I say "never again" I know it is not within me to stop giving love, showing kindness and giving to others. It is my nature...who is was designed to be. And sometimes.....just sometimes....I am an easy target to be taken advantage of, to be unappreciated, to be overlooked.

I am blessed with family and friends that return my efforts with so much love that my soul is continually fed. I also acknowledge that I have people in my life who take but never replenish. For those people, the well is drawing empty and soon there will nothing left to give. It has happened before and relationships have ended.

Peace

Independently Dependent

My name is Renee and I have/had an alcohol dependency problem.

Whew....I just wrote that, didn't I?

My spiral of dependency started 6 years ago after my parents died and my husband deployed. I found that a glass or bottle of wine would fill whatever emptiness that I had. It didn't, but not for lack of trying. Over the years I knew I had grown dependent on wine, although I never mentioned it to anyone. One glass turned into two, and before I could say stop...I was polishing off the whole bottle in a single night. Night after night. Oh my gosh, the money I have consumed.....

Throughout this current deployment I have found ways to justify and rationalize my drinking. Before going home from work I would mentally visualize what was in my wine stock to make sure there was enough for at least 2 glasses. If not, then I would stop for more....just in case. My consumption didn't have a stop button. I would wake each morning with a hazy head, sometimes throbbing, and swear by all things holy that I would not drink that night. I always failed miserably. Afterall, there is half a bottle left. Can't have that, right?

I would tell myself that I would NOT drink when I got home...even as I was filling my glass in the kitchen. 'Just a little', I reasoned with myself each time I removed the wine bottle stopper. I KNEW that I could not control myself but night after night I drank to relax, the sleep, to fill my time, to celebrate, to just because. I rationalized that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink all day and could go stretches without a glass of wine.

3 weeks ago, glass of white wine in hand, I started to Google "how to stop drinking". I wasn't looking for a fast fix, or a short term fix, but a sincere stop altogether. I've heard it said that when you admit to yourself that you have a problem, that is half of the battle. The other half is the war.  I have tried obstaining. I have tried prayer. I have tried avoiding situations. I was was defeated in my attempts and not strong enough to fight  my weakness. I came across a youtube video on hypnosis  for individuals who want to stop drinking. Silly stuff.... I laughed as I sipped. But, why not?

For 35 minutes I relaxed in the recliner with headphones and a voice in my ear.  Crazy much? I allowed the voice to walk through my path of dependency....to the other side. I didn't "feel" any different when the session was over. There was not a lightening bolt of realization  that hit me...nothing. I felt 'crazy' enough but glad I did something, even if it turned out to be 35 minutes of non-drinking time.

I picked up my glass of wine and walked to the kitchen. I no longer desired it and watched as I poured it down the sink. Day after day, night after night, I had no urge or desire to pour a glass. Even when I could see the wine in the cabinet, I wasn't pulled to open it. Not at all. I began taking a vitamin  mixture and herbal tea, both designed to detox my liver. Each passing day I felt better without drinking. I no longer thought about it nor obsessed about it.

Instead of telling my friends I allowed myself to have a glass or two of wine Friday night. My body revolted in a big way and I spent the weekend with a migraine. I guess I can't detox and drink at the same time, go figure. It was a good lesson for me anyway. A real reminder of what it's like to feel after a drink. Such an eye opener for me.

To my friends and family,  I am sorry for not confiding in you with this very personal struggle. I should have trusted you to help me with my accountability for sobriety. I'm okay now, although I know this will be an ongoing quest for me. It honestly no longer feels like a struggle...just a new adventure.

Peace

Moments Like This

Today is February 12, 2016.

Just a normal day.
Nothing special.
Just ordinary.

And I wish I could talk to my parents.

Peace

Weight, wait...don't tell me

According to the BMI chart I am 28.2 pounds over "normal" weight. To be considered "normal" I should weight between 101 and 136.

Could you imagine how emaciated I would look even at the highest of "normal". I would not look normal, nor feel normal. I would look like girlfriend needs a cheeseburger!

In an effort to assume "normal", I have counted  calories, points, grams, weighed & measured my food, liquefied my food, starved myself,made myself sick, all for the sake of just one more pound down.  I have hated myself, cried endlessly, and talked worse to myself in the mirror and said things that I would never say to someone I truly hated. I have shamed myself for not being more active, for having to buy a bigger size, for not looking like I did  20 years ago, and for being weak and eating one more calorie over my allotment. I have screamed in disgust at myself..."you are disgusting, you are weak, you are nothing, you are fat, no one could love you the way you are, your husband will leave, your children are embarrassed. ..." . Oh my goodness....the hateful things I was convinced were true.

I finally stopped. I finally said, WTF....I learned to accept myself, who I am (who I am not), to look at myself with love and acceptancd.

I stopped.

I do not diet. I do not shame myself. I do not talk down to myself. I do not worry about eating that cookie. I choose not to eat fast food or fried foods. I choose to eat healthy lean meats and fish. I choose to eat vegetables and fruits. I force myself to drink water. I choose to drink 1-2 cups of coffee daily, and to drink a sprite every once in a while. I choose to stop drinking. I choose to focus on  my health and not a number on the scale. I choose to dress for my body shape, to walk with my head up, to take care of my outer self and my inner self. I am confident and beautiful and Me.

On Facebook and in life I witness the self-loathing that society has forced us to accept in order to be in some crazy chart of "normalcy". "I'm trying to be good so I can't  eat that cheesecake (insert whatever), " If could just loose that last 5 pounds. .. ", "I hate how I look in that dress, ...", "No, don't take  my picture", " I will have my picture taken when I loose some weight", "I've been so good that I am having a cheat day today"...followed by "I hate myself for giving in".

I think I have said all of those things at least once or twice in my life. The truth is life is short. Fleeting. Not guaranteed. Here this moment and gone the next.

It drives me crazy to read or hear women (or men) talk about themselves as a size, a number, or a calorie-intake. We spend so much time beating ourselves up that we don't see how truly beautiful we are made to be. I may  ever be a size whatever again, but I am  beautiful anyway. I want to be in front of the camera with my children, grand children, family and friends and not shamefully behind the lense because someone may look at the picture and see my double chin.

Let's shake off the chains that weigh us down and walk head-up.

We own this damn place!

Peace

In The Home Stretch

There is something odd about being in the home stretch of deployment. The excitement and anticipation is over shadowed by nervousness and anxiety. When you see the end in sight it feel like it will never get here....the days tick by slower for some crazy reason.

I'm tired of this deployment....more tired than I think I have ever been.

One thing I know for sure is that this is the very last one...never again. 

Peace.