Feeling it..or not

When I can't seem to find the words to verbalize what I feel inside, I turn to my blog.

Today is one of those day - I just feel...well, sad, angry, small. I'm angry with myself for gaining back almost all of the 15 pounds I worked hard to lose and keep it off for almost 2 years. I've done it to myself, I could have said no to eating out lunch every single day instead of packing something healthy, I could've said no to just one more glass of wine or beer most nights (or no altogether), and I could've said no to the new Sprite train I've been on for a while. Even though I work out usually 4 times a week, I blow all the hard work within a few hours.

My hair is a freaking nightmare~  stuck between being straight and curly, between blondish, dull dark blonde and gray. I got my nails done Saturday and they look like red chicklets have been glued to my nailbeds. I am a fucking mess! So here I am today...fat, bloated, tight pants and ugly. And to top off this pity party - my 46th birthday is coming up!

I'm sad because I am not more than I am...more than I should be. I'm sad because I just am. It's hard to swallow, even after 2 1/2 years, that my folks aren't here to celebrate my birthday with me (or any thing else). Do you know what it's like to not be anyone's daughter/child any more? It's pretty damn lonely! The bandaid was just ripped off of my security and I still can't stop the bleeding. I'm angry about being gipped out of parents. No, they aren't watching me from heaven and celebrating with me..that is just fucking bullshit and it pisses me off to hear it. They aren't anywhere but dead.

I've been fighting a ligament issue in my leg for several months. I'm pissed at myself for finally reaching our to my step-son (a PTA) for help - but in true fashion, he blew me off. I'm mad with only myself for even going there, when I should have just googled rehab options myself or just gone to a real physical therapist. So I've wasted about 2 weeks of recovery and I'm sick to death of the pain and discomfort (and not being able to do a meaningful lower body workout at the gym). See..I'm such a loser.

I'm frustrated with myself for being sad and angry. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling so insecure about myself that I let it control me. I'm frustrated with myself for everything about Me! Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's my birthday looming, maybe it's just because it's Monday, April 30th, but I'm not feeling it today and yet I am feeling everything all at once.

Peace.

Fiddle-de-dee

Rich is on business travel right now:

Me: "So...I'm not sure how this happened but I realized this morning that I am 4th on the list now. Yesterday the dogs barely ate and almost sniffed at their treats because YOU weren't there to give it to them. I don't even think they slept in the bedroom with me last night because you weren't there"

Rich: "I'm sure they did"

Me: "No, when I got up they were both moping on the couch. And when when I went to feed them breakfast they didn't budge. I even pulled out their treats and had to coax them off the couch to come and get it...then they drug their dog paws walking the 15 feet to me."

Rich: "It's because you did everything first and then gave them a treat. They are used to getting their treat first thing"

Me: "Ummmm...no. It's because you weren't there. How did I become 4th fiddle? I had accepted 3rd fiddle but now I have to suck-up 4th!"

There is a hierarchy in my family..maybe not an OFFICIAL one, but a hierarchy just the same. It goes something like this:

My Husband is in the lead position; followed by the following -

1. Kelley (our daughter)
2. Jake (our his dog)
3. Annie (Kelley's dog)
4. ME
5. Everything else

There was a time, albeit brief, that I was #1. It was a sweet, sweet moment. But then his little girl edged me out of my place and I humbly took the #2 fiddle seat. She was cute, big blue eyes and thought he hung the moon - still does! They can sit and talk for ever on the phone, I get a short "hey, how are you" conversation - or {ring, ring} "Hey Mom, can I talk to Dad?" Yep, I became #2 fiddle.

Then Jake the dog came running into our lives on his cute puppy feet. That tricky canine edged his way from the back yard, into the house, and into the #2 fiddle. He and Rich have a bond that not even deployment couldn't break. Jake was depressed, barely ate, moped around the whole stinking year no matter what I did to cheer him up. Then Rich came home and life went on.

Then Annie came along. Annie belongs to Kelley & her husband. Annie is also Jake's main squeeze. Once I settled into my #3 fiddle I realized recently that I had been moved to #4. I'm not even sure how or when that actually happened. But Annie, with her big-girl hips, doe-eyes and exciting personality trampled me on the stairs and took my spot!

When Rich gets home everyday the dogs just about hyperventilate when they sense him turning on the road leading to our home (about .70 miles away). They begin running in circles, high-fiving each other and doing flips! It's an amazing site...really. If we arrive home together I have to open the door quickly and get the hell out of the way or else get trampled by 110 lbs of collective dog-bodies in their bolt to get to Rich. Then they barrel-roll me going up the stairs to beat Rich to the top so they can start all over again with their happy dancing.

When I come home..I only hear crickets and the hum of the fridge. No greeting, no happy dog lovin'.

Rich: "Honey, you are still 2nd fiddle"

Me: "2nd fiddle? Who's 1st?? No, wait, I don't even want to know"

Peace

FR (OM) G...

F.R.G.

Yes, you read that right. Some people love them..some people hate them...some people wouldn't get involved is a large sum of money, fame and leave was riding on it! Being an FRG in a National Guard unit is definitely trying. I am the FRG President for my husband's Brigade & Units - albeit small (30 soldiers) - it's still pretty tough to get others involved. Unlike other units/brigades, our Soldier body is made up of E-5 and above only; so many of the spouses have done the FRG-thing for many years and have been bitten in the ass by a bad experience. Some spouses have already been there and done that and have no interest whatsoever in getting involved. Then there are a select few that do not support their spouse's military career at all and simply refuse to acknowledge it exist (he/she joined - not me). For me though, I wanted to get involved - just for the pure truth that our FRG leader sucked majorly and my husband was getting ready to deploy. She was ousted and I assumed the leadership role - selecting a couple of fantastic friends to help me pull this while thing off. Two year later...we are still hanging in there but getting tired and weary.

An FRG in a NG unit is a different (I think) from active Army. I could be wrong...I admit I could be wrong - so don't jump down my throat)..but we get together a couple of times throughout the year for events, pull together through deployment (again, we are a different brigade/MOS/unit - our soldiers deploy in small elite groups of 4), and I send out information I feel could be interesting. If it's something my husband would want or need to know - I send it out, otherwise I don't send out random shit that no one cares about. Usually I'm just emailing the soldier because their spouse doesn't want to be contacted and will not provide a contact email to the FRG. Sad...it really is.

So...why am I writing about FRG tonight...right now? Well, we have a fundraiser tomorrow at the armory (FRG Yard Sale), we've gotten lots of donations from out unit families but it's impossible to get anyone - other than my trusted leadership team (Secretary and Treasurer) to join the fun to help pull this off. Sometimes it really does take an Army to make something successful. We are burned out..done...and looking forward to this being our last fundraiser as part of the FRG leadership. We have a CoC in June and it will be the perfect time to pass the baton off to others. The sad thing is that there are no others stepping up to hand off to.

Right now, I am tired and cranky from spending most of my day with my Treasurer getting the Armory hall ready for the doors to open at 0700. I was embarrassed and honored that our Commander and FRG Liaison helped us set up for the last hour! They truly ROCK!

With a little luck we will make enough to pay for Family Day next month (you can bet your ass most all families will be there)...it would just be nice to have them help us earn the money.

Peace

What's up?

It's been too long since I've blogged. In case you were all wondering is I won the bog Lottery and kissed life as I know it good-bye...fear not...the $14 we won wouldn't even buy us 1/2 a tank of gas! So ~ life goes on and I seriously wouldn't have it any other way!

So much has happened lately and then again, not much at all. There are so many times throughout the day when I think "I should totally blog about this" but when I finally sit down to blog the moment and memory have passed and it seems pointless. It'd be awesome to be able to blog at just that right moment but I have an old school cell phone that doesn't quite lend me an opportunity to blog from it.

I've been riding the funk bus for about a week; although I think I'm coming out of it. It's be awesome to be able to say "this is what's wrong" but to be honest...sometimes there just doesn't seem to be a reason. Sadness/grief maybe? ummm...yeah. I don't think it's ever going to get better ~ but I can't lay the blame there. Stress at work? No, I hit the motherload with my new busy..busy..job and I can't be more happy there. Me and Rich? Nope, no cupie-doll for you! We are still rolling pretty tight. I have everything imaginable to make life happy (except my Mom and Dad)..but there just seems to be this sadness lingering underneath my heart. It literally keeps my mind running amok at night and I just cannot get restorative sleep. So...this train has been rolling around funky-town and I am so ready to get the hell off in another town!

Don't fret peeps...I'll be back soon with a blog that will knock your socks off!

Peace!