One This Day

Sometime in the morning of December 29, 2009, my mother took her last breath. I will never, ever, ever forget that morning - each second replays in my head like an 8 mm filmstrip. There are dark nights when I want to push the STOP button and make the visions and voices in my head cease - I want to simply forget that morning and live as if it never happened.

Five years. I can't believe it has been five years. She was my sunshine, my sparkle, my glitter, and my very best friend. My Mother, my Mom, my Mama. She taught me to laugh, to find joy in the smallest things - that silver lining. She taught me to love makeup, Jesus and sequins. She sang "Rock of Ages", "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Thank You Lord For Your Blessings On Me" like an Angel, and learned to play "The little bunny, he hops" (or was it a frog??) on the old piano. She took belly-dancing lessons in the 70's, sported a hot-pink bikini, and jeggings in the 80's. She loved with every part of her and was stronger than any woman I have ever known in my lifetime! She is the best part of who I am today.

I miss her..her voice, her laugh (oh, her laugh), the way she would cock her head and shrug her shoulder at something absurd that my Dad said, the way she left his absurdity roll off. I miss sitting around her table on Royal Avenue and drinking coffee until our blue eyes turned brown.... the endless talking. I miss her lips on mine as she kissed me hello and good bye. God knows how I miss her!

Five year. Too many days have passed since this day long ago. I am not the same person without her - but I'm better now because of her.

Peace

Great Expectation

One of the most difficult part about being a parent is being a parent to adults.  When children are small and growing up Christmas is a magical time.  We rocked around the Christmas tree,  drank hot chocolate on Christmas eve,  drove around looking at Christmas lights and had our little family traditions. Christmas morning began with a breakfast and the annual destruction of colorful wrapping paper - then sometimes or children left for other family events.  Still, those Christmas times were sacred.

As children do. ...they grow up, have families of their own and begin their own traditions. Our family Christmas Carol has changed from "I'll Be Home for Christmas " to "Please Come Home for  Christmas". This growth  of our children can...and does... sting my heart, but I know that it's just me trying to hang one to the old traditions and attempting to recapture that feeling of those early years as a family. In truth, our family is not the same. Our children have spouses and children of their own.  They are playing their own balancing act between my husband and I, their own family, and the families of their spouses. I remember that feeling and am utterly ashamed that, not only have I placed an unrealistic expectation on myself but on our children also.

This year.... from this moment on... I vow to myself to just let it go and give or children a gift that can't be bought. ..the gift of respect and emotional space to decide how they want to spend the holiday.  The freedom to be where they want to be without my pride and visions of the past preventing me (and them) from accepting this new opportunity to celebrate the holiday with peaceful hearts.

I love want my children to know that I love them,  that I look forward to their visits, and am grateful  for our time together.

The time  we all have with those we love never seems to be enough and never ceases to be precious.  Instead of grieving my dashed expectations I want to savor those moments we do share,  however  brief or  imperfect they may be.

Peace

You Don't Say?

I have learned first hand that eating healthy is hazardous to my health! It doesn't matter that my version of eating healthy consists of whole grain breads instead of white bread, dropped the creamer from my coffee regimen, and only choose to eat the darkest chocolate because I read that it was good for my heart. - oh, and also to keep my ticker ticking...red wine. So, I'm on the right track!

A couple of nights ago I sat down to eat a little hard, multi-grain roll with spinach (vegetable), muenster cheese (dairy) and two thin slices of fresh deli Turkey (protein) - the kettle chips were only there for crunch and balance, I swear!. So after the first bite I felt something 'crunchy' that should have been there. No....not a bug or anything gross...just my tooth!

Seriously??

The front of my front tooth just chipped off...how odd was that? At first I didn't realize what had happened until my bottom lip felt - odd - against my teeth. Further inspection left me stunned. WTH happened? That tooth had always had a tiny discoloration since I was little (say, may 6-8'ish). My older brother told me I got a piece of hominy corn seed stuck in there and I swear, I believed him for years. Still, I always wondered why it was there.

So I went to the dentist this morning and after close examination he went on to explain that sometimes fillings just come off. WHHHHAAAAT? Excuse me Mr. Dr. Dental guy who went to Dentistry school and all that....you are horribly mistaken. I didn't have a filling there! My tooth just broke off. He looked at me and said....Mrs. Smarty-pants Patient with a broken tooth in your mouth...if you look at your x-rays, you can clearly see that that tooth had been broken and filled. And...the tooth next to it too.....so there! The teeth do not tell lies! Check Mate!! Now open wide!

As he goes to work fixing my tooth, in between the spackling going on in my mouth and watching a house moving show on TV,  I lay there searching through my memory bank of having broken my tooth and had it repaired. I came up with nothing! How can that happen about 40 years ago and I have no memory recall of such a significant event? What about the hominy corn seed? Was that just a lie too? If that was a lie...I'm sure that the water tanks really aren't where 'they' keep grits!

I left the dentist with a 'new' front panel. One that I hope lasts at least 40 years like the last one. It's one of those moments when I wanted to call my Mother and have her tell me the truth.

Isn't that the craziest thing you have heard all day??? It just goes to proves that kids don't often remember everything, and that no matter how old you are - you can still be surprised by your childhood.

Peace!

In My Dreams

I think I may be the only one of my siblings that called our Mom, "Mother". I'm not sure why I called her 'Mother" or when I even started. I just did - in a loving, respectful way.

I had a long dream last night and I couldn't find her. I caught a glimpse of her in a crowd. I yelled for her ... "MOTHER"...and I ran to her. But in the chaos of the crowd I lost her. I spent the whole dream moving between what seemed to be a mixture of a mall and the floors of an ocean liner (of which I have never been on), looking for her and calling out "MOTHER". I cried, I begged for anyone to tell me they had seen her. "yes, just a few minutes ago", or "on one floor up/down". I ran...and ran...calling her. I found her in the end, for just a few minutes and she went away again. I knew I would never find her a second time.

Several weeks ago I had a dream about my Dad. He was sick and wondering around. I walked the streets, knocked on doors, crying and looking for my Dad. I described him to strangers, showed pictures to people in stores and restaurants. He was sick and out there...I needed to find him. I was emotionally drained...in the dream and in my dark bedroom during the dream. In the end  I found my Dad...he was healed and his mind clear. But he couldn't stay and had to leave.

It's been almost five years since they left. For the first few years I did not dream. At. All. Nothing. Now they come in waves. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not. Both ways are draining.... and painful.

Peace.

Protection

Did you know that when you hide your feelings to protect someone from getting/being hurt....they get hurt in the end anyway? Except, not from the actual event, but because the person he/she/they are trying to protect is not valued enough...not worth enough for the truth.