We are 196 days into deployment with R&R still a couple of months away. There are days when it seems to go by fast and (most) times it seems like we have so far left to go.
It's been a crazy deployment so far...full of emotional events and feelings of immense despair. I've written throughout my blog of the challenge I've faced while dealing with this deployment on the heels of my parents deaths. Many who read my blog cannot comprehend the depth of grief that follows the loss of a parent, let alone both together. I've lost a child in early infancy, I know that pain. I've never been widowed - I can't compare grief with you who have been. There are times that I don't remember what my life was like before last year, before my Dad's heart attack and both he and Mom's deaths 2 days apart. The whole of 2009 consumed me... consumed my family. The sudden loss of them at the same time remains to be the most traumatic event of my life to date. Rich started pre-deployment training 4 days after their funeral.. leaving the country 4 months later. Walking through this year has been like walking in a fog. My mind has been clouded and my focus all over the place, my memory and concentration shot, emotions on edge and on my sleeve. I've cried (a lot), I've been numb and aggravated, felt alone among others, and have wondered what the hell I'm doing most days. To say that I have been thrown off balance would be a severe understatement.
As far as the deployment goes...well - I miss having my husband home. I'm middle-aged, so the years of insecurity and financial instability are long behind us (Thank God); but the sadness of separation isn't just used on the young in age. Our children are grown and I basically just take care of me and Jake (and Annie - my daughter's dog). I work, go home, wait by the phone & computer, go to bed, go to work...etc..etc... Along the way I look at the calendar to remind me how close we are to R&R and the end of this deployment. I have the same fear and loneliness as every other military spouse when you have a husband/wife down range. I have sleepless nights. I become sad. I withdraw. I have good days. Skype, email and blogging are all wonderful things and I cling to those few minutes that Rich and I get to share - while at the same time, never taking one second that we get to share for granted.
My best friend, Leigh Ann, was a HUGE help this week to me. When I found out a week ago that I would have a biopsy (in 2 places) on Tuesday I sat in my car outside of the Breast Center Clinic and cried. Not because I was afraid (maybe a tad), but I didn't have a clue who could take me on surgery day. I needed a driver. My daughter had to work, my sister was in Guam. I certainly don't have a long (or short) list of friends to select from to 'be there'. My best friend is a full-time employee, full-time mother and full-time student...I've forced myself to
not call on her or depend on her for support this year, as much as possible. She just has too much going on to be burdened with me! Without any options I broke down and called her at work - something I rarely ever do - and asked for her help. Without hestitation she was willing and able to take off work to sport me around for surgery and stay with me throughout the day. Thank You Leigh Ann!
The pity party I had last night probably won't be my last, but it's over for now. I'm feeling good (not physically great), but better. I'm looking forward to an easy weekend with no real agenda to follow! I'm realigning my focus over the next 2 months~ full of family events ~ that will lead to Rich coming home for R&R.
That's all I have for rambling.... that's enough, huh?
Love, Peace & Happy Weekend!
