(While some Soldiers and Spouses count from "boots on the ground"..I started the count from the first day of activation (according to orders)... which was 3 days before leaving home - weeks before my husband landed in the sand-box).
I look back over those 100 days and how I've marked each 25-day milestone. At day 25 I had a heart scan to check the health of my heart. (I come from a large family history of heart disease). One day 50 I treated myself to a manicure/pedicure, lunch and BINGO. Day 75 found me on business travel - where I ran into some dear friends and had dinner with my neighbors.
How did I mark the 100th day? I went to the spa for 80 minutes of a luxurious body polishing massage, along with a shampoo & blow dry!
(Quick/funny story...I get to the spa, checked in and was ushered into the "waiting area" where I was given a locker, a robe and slippers - after changing and a thought of "WTH am I doing??" I sat back in the waiting area for my technician (yeah, that's what they called her) to arrive. Soon Nina came for me and took me to where we would be for the next 80 minutes. On the table where two towels..one, she said, I would lay across 'the girls' and the other I would lay on (on my back) and fold up like a diaper. She left me alone to get ready..I stood looking at the table wondering, "am I supposed to get under the sheets or lay on top in my towels"? I finally figured the latter and began to get situated. As I lay there waiting for Nina to return I began to think about how ridiculous I'm sure I looked. The 'girls' were covered and doing good. Once upon a time I would've need a beach towel to cover them, but thanks to Dr. D. they were a normal size and the hand towel worked just fine. Now the "diaper" was a different story. I started to laugh at my image...I've got a big butt with hips to match and that hand towel sure wasn't covering much! I needed the Depends-size "diaper". I got tickled and started laughing..real belly laughing..at myself).
Through out my spa appointment I had 80 minutes to think and reflect back over the first 100 days of deployment. I recalled the heart-wrenching grief of the days before Rich left. How it felt to hold him that last night and listen to him breath while he slept. How I tried desperately to burn that sound into my memory and stamp the feel of the beat of his heart in my heart. I remember the silence as we drove to the armory, each lost in so much thought. I remember the cold air as we stood together, holding each other, sharing our last kiss. Hearing the deep cries of another MilSpouse with her Soldier, come from a short distance. I recalled how we parted, walking away from each other with the promise not to look back and then breaking down when I drove away. As I lay on that spa table I reflected over the long days and longer nights. How they all seemed to move in slow motion with auto-pilot fully engaged. Each day was like the one before. Waiting for a call, sitting vigil on the computer for an email a Skype call, a Facebook comment...anything. Oh, the sleepless night of waiting and watching. The tears going to work and coming home - in the middle were hours upon hours of fake smiles and fake chipperness. Then there were the feeling of despondency - they still exist - that plagued my weekends. The moments of deep, deep sadness and loneliness that would last for hours/days/weeks. The feelings of being overhwelmed by shouldering the responsibilities of home, vehicles, yardwork, bills, issues/problems, family. I thought about how I had been reduced to someone who found it difficult to smile, who walked in a silent fog through the day and how my nights I felt like a ghost walking the halls of happy memories - feeling like a visitor in this new life of deployment. Not fitting anywhere any more... being the 3rd or 5th wheel among friends - making them feel obligated to babysit and entertain me.
But somewhere in all of those days and emotions, the grass got cut, the garbage was taken out, the bills were paid, some dinners were cooked, events were celebrated, the Jake was fed/watered/loved, the house got cleaned, the laundry was done, the oil was changed in the cars, a huge planter on the back deck was taken apart, the horseshoe pits were dismantled, plants & flowers were planted, the leaking toilet was fixed, light bulbs and AC filters got replaced, the AC was fixed...life went on.
Even in my weakest moments I know that I am stronger than I was before the deployment. As the days tick by I have fewer tears, and a deeper love and ache for my husband. I have found true bonds with MilSpouses across the US and here at home. I have realized who my true personal friends are and who I can count on for support within my family.
As Nina sloughed off the top layer of dead skin cells, I imagined it as removing the remnants of the shell-of-a-person that the 100 days of deployment had caused me to become.... I don't want to be that person anymore. I felt a revival of my spirit - off with the old/on with the new. I released the sadness and tension of the last 100 days, along with the the toxins the massage released. I left the spa with a bounce in my step that I had not truly felt in 100 plus days.
Deployment is not for sissies! It's hard and it's lonely. It leaves a spouse feeling disconnected from the life they knew before..no matter how hard you try to get back to what familiar - you never seem to get there. Walking through a house full of memories is torture on the mind. It's emotionally exhausting to be strong and carry on...to smile and make sure everyone else is "okay". It can zap the heart's energy to go through birthdays, holidays, celebrations alone. There are days I just want to lay in bed, not see anyone, not talk to anyone...just be ~ then again there are days that I'm alone where my heart & mind begs for someone to think about me and call. No...it's not for sissies!
The next 100 days I plan to celebrate each day I have! Each day down will be a celebration of one day closer to being finished with deployment and back with my husband. I made a promise to myself, as I lay there is a towel and a diaper..as Nina applied the finishing touch of soothing lotion to my freshly scrubbed skin...that I will spend the next 100 days bringing honor to the life my husband and I built together, instead of wallowing in the sadness of our separation. I will find ways to be engaged in my life and to laugh again. (I love you Pook)!
Love, Peace & Hooah!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.