Last night as I lay next to my husband, I reach out to hold him close as he sleeps. On the other side of him is Jake. Jake was snoring.. safe and loved in Rich's arms. Mind you, this is an every night occurance when Rich is home. I've grown used to playing second fiddle to Jake. Partly because it's not a battle I'd win in the first place and second, because he loves Rich as much as I do. When Rich and I come home from work Jake comes ALIVE! Well, not so much for me... I get the "Oh, it's YOU" look while Rich gets the whole, "Man, I love you... where have you been?....I've missed you..." Jake grieves for Rich when he's gone for more than a couple of days. He won't eat or drink, doesn't play, won't sleep with me - much less in the bedroom, and sighs and moans day and night. Do they make doggy anti-depressants? Just wondering. Rich is going to be gone for a lot longer than 1-2 weeks pretty soon. How do I prepare Jake for deployment? They are tight... best buds...companions...a man and his dog!Thursday, February 25, 2010
He's a Good Dog...
Jake. He is his own breed. I say he's an Anatolian Shepherd... Rich says he's a mix. I'm right and I know it. When someone asks what kind of dog Jake is... we say he's a Jake Dog.
Last night as I lay next to my husband, I reach out to hold him close as he sleeps. On the other side of him is Jake. Jake was snoring.. safe and loved in Rich's arms. Mind you, this is an every night occurance when Rich is home. I've grown used to playing second fiddle to Jake. Partly because it's not a battle I'd win in the first place and second, because he loves Rich as much as I do. When Rich and I come home from work Jake comes ALIVE! Well, not so much for me... I get the "Oh, it's YOU" look while Rich gets the whole, "Man, I love you... where have you been?....I've missed you..." Jake grieves for Rich when he's gone for more than a couple of days. He won't eat or drink, doesn't play, won't sleep with me - much less in the bedroom, and sighs and moans day and night. Do they make doggy anti-depressants? Just wondering. Rich is going to be gone for a lot longer than 1-2 weeks pretty soon. How do I prepare Jake for deployment? They are tight... best buds...companions...a man and his dog!
Can you teach a dog to Skype?
Last night as I lay next to my husband, I reach out to hold him close as he sleeps. On the other side of him is Jake. Jake was snoring.. safe and loved in Rich's arms. Mind you, this is an every night occurance when Rich is home. I've grown used to playing second fiddle to Jake. Partly because it's not a battle I'd win in the first place and second, because he loves Rich as much as I do. When Rich and I come home from work Jake comes ALIVE! Well, not so much for me... I get the "Oh, it's YOU" look while Rich gets the whole, "Man, I love you... where have you been?....I've missed you..." Jake grieves for Rich when he's gone for more than a couple of days. He won't eat or drink, doesn't play, won't sleep with me - much less in the bedroom, and sighs and moans day and night. Do they make doggy anti-depressants? Just wondering. Rich is going to be gone for a lot longer than 1-2 weeks pretty soon. How do I prepare Jake for deployment? They are tight... best buds...companions...a man and his dog!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Time Keeps on Slippin'....
The days are flying by. We no sooner wake up and we are kissing good night. Rich & I are less than 60 days from deployment now. The weekends seem to be full of "things that need to be done before...", our work days are filled with, well work. Yet we try to grasp moments as if we are drowning. A look ahead to this next weekend brings more "things to be done" to prepare our rental property for the long year and finish up clearing Mom and Dad's house to storage.
Every night Rich and I sit together and pull out our planners...detailing every little committment or event. We know the exact 2 weekends we have left together and the days I will be able to take off to spend with him. One weekend we will use for just the 2 of us and the other we will use for our family time with our children. I'm deeply saddened that it getting so close - I always thought I'd have my parents to strengthen and hold me.
I wish I would sit to write my blogs in the small moments when I'm not sad..scared.. or drowning. Those are the hours or days that I think of nothing - that's freeing for me. I laugh and I love again. Soon I will shut off the sadness and force myself to 'not think' about anything for the rest of my day; this will get me through.
I miss you Mom and Dad!
Every night Rich and I sit together and pull out our planners...detailing every little committment or event. We know the exact 2 weekends we have left together and the days I will be able to take off to spend with him. One weekend we will use for just the 2 of us and the other we will use for our family time with our children. I'm deeply saddened that it getting so close - I always thought I'd have my parents to strengthen and hold me.
I wish I would sit to write my blogs in the small moments when I'm not sad..scared.. or drowning. Those are the hours or days that I think of nothing - that's freeing for me. I laugh and I love again. Soon I will shut off the sadness and force myself to 'not think' about anything for the rest of my day; this will get me through.
I miss you Mom and Dad!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thoughts to Ponder....
Hmmm... I actually like the phase "Thoughts to Ponder"....I may change the name of my blog to that!
Anyway - It was a cold Friday afternoon (2/13) at 4:00pm. My boss came into my office and asked/said... 'what do you think's going on over there'? Where? I turn in my chair to look out over the UAH campus - two police cars. Interesting enough to stand there and 'see'. Then another police car. I call my son at 4:01...'Brandon, are you at work?' (Bran works at the UAH Fitness Center). Nope... but he'll find out what's happening and call me back. As my co-workers and I watch, the campus fills with campus and local police cars and ambulances - and eventually news reporters. We see them moving about quickly while surrounding the Shelby Center. We see the flurry of activity building, students being led out, we see gurneys going in empty and coming out to waiting ambulances. We watch as the ambulances are escorted from the scene by scores of Huntsville's finest. Within minutes of my call to Brandon, we heard there was a shooting. Our building was locked down (although we are across the street). Why the SWAT team showed up almost an hour late - who knows?!? The scene, the devastation for the faculty and students, for Huntsville... all just unreal.
Many questions without true answers right now.
One thing struck me as odd, though. This is my 'pondering' thought..... It's reported that Dr. Bishop and her husband went to the firing range recently; although they did not own a gun, she had an unregistered 9mm. Her husband said he didn't know when or where she got a 9mm - he never asked her. NOW - when I read this online last night, I turned to my husband ... "Honey, if I said to you that I wanted to go to Larry's Pistol & Pawn (the only range in town - BTW), I've got this 9mm that I want to take for a spin - would you ask me where the hell I got a 9mm ?" Uh, yeah - Babe... I think I'd bring that up! I call bullshit on Dr. Bishop's husband!
Just pondering.
Anyway - It was a cold Friday afternoon (2/13) at 4:00pm. My boss came into my office and asked/said... 'what do you think's going on over there'? Where? I turn in my chair to look out over the UAH campus - two police cars. Interesting enough to stand there and 'see'. Then another police car. I call my son at 4:01...'Brandon, are you at work?' (Bran works at the UAH Fitness Center). Nope... but he'll find out what's happening and call me back. As my co-workers and I watch, the campus fills with campus and local police cars and ambulances - and eventually news reporters. We see them moving about quickly while surrounding the Shelby Center. We see the flurry of activity building, students being led out, we see gurneys going in empty and coming out to waiting ambulances. We watch as the ambulances are escorted from the scene by scores of Huntsville's finest. Within minutes of my call to Brandon, we heard there was a shooting. Our building was locked down (although we are across the street). Why the SWAT team showed up almost an hour late - who knows?!? The scene, the devastation for the faculty and students, for Huntsville... all just unreal.
Many questions without true answers right now.
One thing struck me as odd, though. This is my 'pondering' thought..... It's reported that Dr. Bishop and her husband went to the firing range recently; although they did not own a gun, she had an unregistered 9mm. Her husband said he didn't know when or where she got a 9mm - he never asked her. NOW - when I read this online last night, I turned to my husband ... "Honey, if I said to you that I wanted to go to Larry's Pistol & Pawn (the only range in town - BTW), I've got this 9mm that I want to take for a spin - would you ask me where the hell I got a 9mm ?" Uh, yeah - Babe... I think I'd bring that up! I call bullshit on Dr. Bishop's husband!
Just pondering.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Cards Anyone??
I've come to realize that my life right now is like a deck of cards. Remember when you were a niave kid and some other kid would say, "hey, you want to play 52-card pick-up"... like an idiot you say "Sure"? Then in a grin and a flash the cards would be flying through the air to land in a scattered mess on the floor. Then the laughing mate would say, "there, now pick them up". Wasn't much fun way back then and it sure as hell isn't much fun now. This time I'm not playing with one deck... but with 6 decks.. and each of those decks have smaller decks attached - AND I wasn't given the option to play the damn game.
Six decks (1) Mom & Dad's deaths (2) R2's upcoming deployment, (3) Kids & Family, (4) Work, (5) FRG, and (6) Life in general. All of the intricate cards are scattered in a huge blurr on the floor and I'm not sure which one to pick up first. They are all seperate decks but the cards can fit in most any one of them.
For those of you who know me, you know that most of the time I am able to play several hands at a time! I would normally have the cards back on the right deck and prepared for the next shuffle. This feeling of 'scatteredness' is out of character for me (at least I think so). I can't see the big picture anymore - I can't anticipate the desired end result, like most times I can. I'm stuck in this game of 52-card pickup.
I'd rather play Euchre!
Six decks (1) Mom & Dad's deaths (2) R2's upcoming deployment, (3) Kids & Family, (4) Work, (5) FRG, and (6) Life in general. All of the intricate cards are scattered in a huge blurr on the floor and I'm not sure which one to pick up first. They are all seperate decks but the cards can fit in most any one of them.
For those of you who know me, you know that most of the time I am able to play several hands at a time! I would normally have the cards back on the right deck and prepared for the next shuffle. This feeling of 'scatteredness' is out of character for me (at least I think so). I can't see the big picture anymore - I can't anticipate the desired end result, like most times I can. I'm stuck in this game of 52-card pickup.
I'd rather play Euchre!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Stuck Between Floors...
In an effort to try and get a grip on my grief - I've read a little on the Stages. According to the 7 stages I seem to be stuck between Stage 3 and Stage 4:
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
I find that 'my give a damn' seems to be broken more times than not. My tolerance level for stupid shit, stupid people and stupid comments is getting lower every day. To hear 'cherish the memories' and 'pray for peace', just f'ing makes my skin crawl. I can't even muster up empathy for others that deserve it.
The hardest part about being stuck between stages is that in less than 90 days I will be repeating the whole cycle when Rich goes down range.... without the foundation of my support (Mom and Dad).
Stuck...stuck....
I'm trying - I really am!
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