One Year Ago..

Last night was sleepless.

My mind replayed this day - a year ago ...a year ago this morning.

Again and again I relived the horror.

I left my Father's room and was led by a nurse through a back elevator to the ER. I was placed in a little family room. I waited. My aunt arrived, then my brother. We waited. Just like December 29, 2010,  I heard the doctor say "I'm sorry, we couldn't save her".... again and again. I hear myself tell him (again) "I'm sorry, you've made a mistake, we're with the Martha Blocker family"... then he again said the same words he spoke a year ago, "Yes, I know. I'm sorry....." He continued to talk...I couldn't hear him anymore...he just kept chattering as I looked at my brother, at my aunt, and the the horror hit. She was gone. Our Mother was gone. I turn to the doctor and tell him to 'just stop...stop talking...I can't hear you anymore.' He stops.. he quietly leaves us in that little room. It wasn't supposed to happen this way - Dad was going to die soon.... in less than a week we be orphans.

Throughout the night I relived the pain of making phone calls...of confirming to my brother and sister..of holding the kids as they arrived and grieved.... of watching my father's broken mind hit the level of comprehension as he holds her and begs God not to take her.

The 'what if's' plagued my thoughts. The scenes played all night like a movie.

This morning I feel tired...sad...empty...longing.