That is All....

I can't say that the 2 "self-counseling" posts made me feel better - but I guess I actually do. They led to me being able to just start letting emotions go. It also led to some honest conversations with Rich and listening to him as we tried to work through my state of mind together. He essentially told me - in no uncertain terms - that I was looking for someone to blame...that's the only way I could try to make sense out of the chaos I was in. He's right. (Yes Pook...I said it). Because nothing made sense to me anymore I needed to try and pinpoint where the feelings came from and blame someone...anyone...

I blamed God for taking my folks at the same time Rich was deploying. Hell, I blamed Him for taking BOTH at the same time. I blamed Rich for leaving when I needed him the most - you know because soldiers have a choice in whether or not to deploy (insert sarcasm and eye-roll). I blamed my family for being so broken they could barely breath on their own, for not helping to put me back together. When in truth, I should have been strong enough to carry all of us. (I'm so sorry Family - to all of you for failing you!). I blamed my friends for having their own lives to live - their own families to tend to - their own perfect family. I blamed my co-workers for being so un-compassionate" - well, I will always blame them and resent them for that!


In reality, I have come to realize, that there is no blame to lay. Life happens the way it's intended and sometimes it suck harder than others. Good happens...bad happens. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry at God sometimes (or often)! It's okay to miss my parents with every fiber of my being...which is a good thing because I do. I will always want them back..always want them here.


So, am I over it? Never ever ever! But, I'm okay.

Peace