Hear Me Sister

I was one of the blessed and fortunate kids growing up - I didn't come from a broken or single-parent home. My parents were married 50 years before they passed away 2 days apart back in 2009. I didn't know what it was like to have to divide my loyalties between my parents and other parents. When I was divorced with two small children, I started them down the path of step-parenthood if a quest to get to where I am today - never understanding the impact it would have on them (and me) as we grew. They experienced step-grandparents who didn't much care for them. I found what it was like to have ex-wives and new-wives detest me for simply marrying someone I loved. I have seen the pain of hurt in my children's eyes over being rejected by a step-mother (or two) that separated them from a loving relationship with their own father. They have had to listen to their step-mothers' vile and degrading opinion of me... their mother...whose only crime was to marry and divorce her husband. My children had step-siblings along the way only to be torn apart when things didn't work out. I've felt the pain of having step-children hate me, ignore me, and fight against any good intention that I had to try and form a bond. I've seen the weight of the pressure on my husband to try and be a stepfather to my children - fight the fight against resistance -  while at the same time reassure my stepson that everything was going to be okay. I've seen the look of defeat in my husband's eyes when he felt resistance and rejection...and when he felt defeated by the "competition"of the other parent. I've had a stepson disregard me for 13 years to have one single moment turn the sails in my favor. I've seen my children and stepson wage the emotional battle between loving the 'new' parent and the biological parent and not feel like a traitor. It will break your heart!!

Step-parenting is not for sissies or the weak at heart. It's tough beyond all imagination. But only a few are called to do it... and to do it regardless of the fight, the harsh words, the cold shoulders, the thankless moments of kindness and without selfishness. We do it because one day the step-sons/daughters will looks at you and say  "I love you" and willingly take your hand. We do it because years after the battle is over there is a reward waiting for us here on earth when everything feels right in the world again. We do it day after day...broken and dejected...in hope that the 'one day' will come. We do it .... because we love our husbands/wives and can't give up just as the battle has begun... because each moment, each step we take to get through one day to the next is worth it in the end.

Rich and I went through a particular hard moment in our marriage after about  9 years - the war of step-parenting had reached it's crescendo..it was all around us. Every single day we were dodging missiles and ending the day bloody, emotionally drained and weak. Our eyes were glazed with bewilderment and sheer shock over what was happening. My husband gave up for a second, cleared his head and came back to help me finish the fight. We decided that no matter what, we were fighting for OUR marriage - our love and desire to be together and be whatever family could be salvaged. We couldn't make kids love us, our respect us (heck who does that when they are teenagers??), but we would stand firm and put our marriage first. We let go of trying to fight the kids, to win them over. We gave ourselves permission to admit that it all sucked..that it's okay if they don't talk to us, if they didn't respond to kind (or peaceful) words, if they didn't  want to acknowledge our efforts. We won the battle; many were injured and scarred; but we won. Today, after 15 1/2 years of marriage we can honestly say that it was all worth it. We can look back now and actually laugh at the sheer craziness...really!

Sister - we do it because that is how we were raised! We were made strong, we were made resilient and to not bolt unless there was a damn good reason. Letting children hurt your feelings is not a good reason! Seal your heart from the things that can hurt you. Seal up your heart from: seeking their approval, disapproval, happiness, anger, resentment, and every other emotional element that could soak into your heart and warp your stability. Seal up your heart and be there; your presence is actually enough to bring everyone comfort that you are there to stay...no matter what. Stop seeking THEIR approval, THEIR favor and focus on seeking GOD's approval and HIS favor. Be the wife you are made to be with the husband you are meant to be with.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward, it is the Lord Christ you are serving” – Colossians 3:23-24

You have been blessed with a Godly man....those don't come around too often. You are STRONG because God in you is stronger than this moment . You are STRONG because you were raised by strong parents... head up and walk in like you own the place! You will be rejected, forgotten, dismissed and hurt. Know that and seal your heart! Pray for God to shield your heart and let the pain of actions and words (or the lack thereof) fall at God's feet. Don't let go of your husbands hand for a moment.

You can do this Sister. You can!

It will be okay. I promise you this with all of the shared blood that run through my body. If you hang on you will experience the reward. Even if it is a smile today..or not being ignored tomorrow. You are only 1 1/2 years in...keep going.

I love you!

Peace