I Can Finally Tell my Story...

I read a quote once upon a time that went like this:

"When you can tell your story without crying, you know you have healed"

For four years I couldn't tell my story with crying. I could get the story of the "after" me out without my heart gripping my chest and tears bursting out of me. I was a hot mess! Even when I sat alone...in my closet...on my stool, I would fall to pieces as I replayed my story in my own head. Gradually I was able to practice emotionally detaching myself from myself  - and talk about my loss and grief like it was the story of an outsider. I didn't wallow in it intentionally, although maybe sometimes it seemed that way - I was just so incredibly lost and the grief was familiar to me so I stayed there. Deep down I was afraid that if I let it go it mean that I let 'them' go.

A strange ephiphany hit me yesterday while driving home from my sister's house. I actually said the words - out loud - that it's over, I have healed. It's like stepping into a new world that has colors, and trees, and flowers. It felt like the taste of chocolate ice cream and smelled like Buttercups. I recognized the sheer joy of feeling...well, sheer joy...again.

Somehow and at some point the veil of grief fell away and I didn't even realize it was happening.

I think in some ways grief starts out like a heavy, black-out drapery (like at the fancy hotels) - light can't get in or out. Once the drapes are pulled there is a feeling of total isolation; its a safe place to be when nothing looks familiar anymore and you are completely lost. I stayed there for a couple of years until I was able to pull back the blackout drapery and keep the light-filtering curtain closed. I could peek out whenever I wanted to - and it suit me - but I always went back there. I lived in that room for a while.

It must have been slowly creeping open without me knowing it ~  because suddenly I felt as though I was awakened by the bright lights of the morning/mourning sun and the curtains were wide open. I raised my arms, took a deep breath and lifted my face to the warmth of the rays. I could see everything so bright and clear and I wasn't sad. I wasn't scared.

I know in my heart that I have finally pushed through to living life again....really living in the moments...in the light. I can't promise that I have cried my last tear for them..but they won't be filled with grief.

I have a story and I can tell it now.

Peace.