The Truth About Deployment

As I sit at the breakfast table, cold coffee cup beside me, there is just a little over 24 hours left before my husband leaves. Every part of my body aches...and cries...I feel scared, sad, overwhelmed, angry and an overall hot mess. This is truly a non-makeup day.

Deployment....hurts in a way - and deeper in the soul, than any one can imagine. In places you didn't think existed inside.

We do this...deployment shit...for all the right reasons. For others; so they can keep their soldier home a little while longer. We endure the heart ache and separation because it's what we signed up to do and we honor that commitment with every tiny broken piece of our heart. Our tears and grief - those are the gifts that we lay down to show our strength, love and endurance.

In the beginning  - it hurts like hell.

Peace.

The Train is Coming

In 4 days we will arrive at the station. My husband will jump on and ride the deployment train to the other end of the World, where he will disembark for a year. As much as I have put on the face of the dutiful, strong, proud, and self-sustaining military spouse, the tears are finding their way through. My heart aches and my mind is having difficulty processing that I will wake up this weekend without my best friend laying next to me. The safety and security we have shared for the last 4 years has been so deceiving...as we knew....at some point....it would end.... and we would face this dragon yet again.

I admit that I am scared.  My heart feels broken. My spirit is grieving. The voices in my soul is screaming....please, don't go. Don't leave me.

Peace.

Mother's Day Without My Mother

This is my fifth Mother's Day without my Mother. My heart still hurts.... it still cries for her. She was my very first love....My first kiss... you first hug. I miss her so much....Webster  hasn't  even invented the words to describe the heartache that exists without her. She was my everything. She taught me unconditional love...to love without boundaries. I use this lesson to love my children every single day. They are everything I am....the same as I was to my Mother.

I love her endlessly.....until my last earthy breath.

Peace

Birthday Eve

In 50 minutes (CST) I will turn 49!
4-9
No longer 48 but not yet 50.

Where in hell did the years go?

I don't feel 49....I don't think I look 49.

Yet, my memories tell remind me of the lifetime I have lived in these 49 years. A lifetime of happy times,sad times, times I have long forgotten and some that I will remember forever and a day. I have loved much and been loved the same. I have seen family and friends come for moment and go in the same way....yet, I have learned the intended lesson from each experience.

I have made poor choices that I do not regret.

I have raised amazing children, have taken the name and shared life with my God-given partner and true love. I have been, and continue to be, blessed beyond all measure. I am grateful.

I was brought into life with a soul that is identical. My twin. My sister. I am grateful for the journey we have been on together.

In 45 minutes we will be 49.

Peace.