(Blowing the Mic.....)

Hello...... (echo.....echo....)
Anyone here? (echo.....echo)

Hi, my name is Renee and I used to be a blogger.
Kinda.....sorta. Once upon a time and space.

I'm not sure what happened to me. I  was walking alone on main street in Blogville when a bus came along and stopped for me. Weird, because I wasn't waiting on a bus. The doors swung open and before I could tell myself this was a baaaaad idea, I was on-board. Amid the familiar and unfamiliar faces that once lived in Blogville, I sat down and watched Blogville get smaller in the distance. After what seemed like for hours, we finally stopped at a place called Life. We got off to pee, grab a bite to eat, a cup of joe...before heading back out to....I'm not even sure. Just as I turned to get back on the bus the doors shut. I ran and yelled but I had been left behind. Damn that  cinnamon roll that I just had to have!!!

I turned my back to the dusty road, defeated and weakened by a cinnamon roll. I have no idea how I got there or where I was, but here I was....in Life.

That's why I haven't blogged....I've been stuck in Life.

Peace

Moving on Down the Road

We did it....we moved to our little lake home in Tennessee! The larger home is on the market and we are loving the serenity of lake living. The drive in to work is a bit longer, but the view is just awesome!

The only concern right now is the stench of rodent death coming from the pantry. Locating the deceased is a project for tomorrow 😆

Peace

Turning 50

Today is my birthday. My 50th birthday....
It's  been a great day full of friends and family to help me celebrate this milestone! Truly is have blessed beyond measure with such a great support system...near and far. Today marks a significant point in my life's journey.

I am 50 years old! I will never see another 50 years. The Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I will have another 30 good years left. I will live to see my grandchildren's  children and walk hand in hand with my handsome husband as we help each other maneuver our flailing bodies. There is a morbid significance in knowing that more than half of my life span is over and I don't even know where the years went. How did I get here...at this age...?

Today marked the beginning of the new phase of living for me. Where I spent 50 years seeking love, approval, respect, career, friends, and chasing family relationships, I enter this new age claiming the "Serenity Prayers my moto:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

With little time left in this life, I will be selfish and frugal with time and myself. I am loved by so many...truly loved. I know who they are and I reciprocate the unconditional love that I receive. I no longer need to seek approval, love, friendship, or respect from anyone....there are no conditions I feel I need to meet anymore. One-sided relationships no longer fit in my life - they take away my time and attention that need to be placed on  those who willingly give and receive.

I want each moment moving forward to count...each second. It won't be wasted. I am no longer afraid of what people may think of me...what I think of me is what matters. My self worth will no longer be measured by my body type, how many "friends" I have on FB, how many wrinkles I have or my double chin. I am  beautifully designed and I am loved and accepted by people who love me just the way I am.

There is no room left for pettiness. No room  for wasted moments.

50 years came so damn fast.....30 will be a blink.

Peace

I Hate Yard Sales

Well, I actually love going to them, but I HATE having a yard sale. Alas, I am sitting here, in the cold, with my stuff posing just right begging people to show up and take it all away! In 1 1/2 hours I have made $15. Where are the people?????? Don't they know own that I have good stuff for cheap, cheap, cheap? Stuff that cannot go back in my house under any circumstances. Nope...it's all gotta go.

Peace

We Are Doing It

Rich and I have made a monumental decision.....we will begin interviewing realtors tomorrow evening to choose the right person to list our primary home. While I have felt this was a positive direction for a while, I needed my husband to draw his own conclusion, which he did.

We are both looking forward to selling our larger home and becoming full time residents of the lake house community. I did a great deal of downsizing while Rich was deployed but still have a little work remaining...and Rich has a few pre-listing projects to complete.

I am so very excited for us and am looking forward to this new chapter.

Peacr

Hop, Skip & a Jump

What a weird title for the post. It's just what came to mind at this very moment. Rich and I are somewhere west of Memphis, a mere 37,000 feet up, flying home from a visit to the west coast. Piled I like sardines with no much to that passes the time, thinking is just about  the entertainment for the moment.

I love to travel but going home is the best part...the only part...that I love about leaving.

Peace

On The List

"Write a blog post" - this is on my list of things to do today. Well, it was on the list yesterday ... but it got bumped. Such is the way of the world. I have forgotten what it's like to just sit down and write without any agenda whatsoever. Kinda feels nice.

The last couple of weeks have flown buy and my love and I are still working our way through reintegration. Sometimes it seems like "just like old times" and other times we recognize that we are each different and different with each other. Our normal is new and we are finding our way through intimacy both in the bedroom and out. While Deployment is a bitch.... reintegration is even more so. It doesn't matter where or for how long, separations and getting back to a new normal are tough. Enough said!

Tomorrow morning Rich and I hop a plane for the West Coast and a visit with the California kids. It will be a nice time and they are all eager to get their dose of my husband. The trips out there are often an emotional struggle for me but I keep myself tuned in  and find my enjoyment once I arrived. Not long ago I was overwhelmed with feeling like I have been played and put in my place....my feelings were hurt and my heart hurt; this trip, and all others to California are not about me,  but most importantly they are about my truly amazing husband.

On the horizon is some work around the houses and falling into some pretty major fishing adventures! The other day we popped the grandkids tents next to the lake and laid down in one of them with two of our grandchildren. That was the coolest moment ever...just laying there, listening to the wind and the trees dancing. The kids were happy and we were happy with them.

I miss this blogging thing. Very much. It's high time to get it back on track and off the list!

Peace

Return of Love

After many days, nights, months without him, deployment ended and the celebration of return began.

My man is home!!!!!!

Reintegration is in motion and we have the joy and laughter of finding our groove again. The smell of a foreign  land has been washed away from his clothes and body and replaced with Arm & Hammer and Snuggle fabric softener. I love that there is a man in  my shower and in my space. His tennis shoes are sitting in the bathroom floor where he left them after the gym this morning .... his toothbrush on the edge of his sink.

The return of love.... my love....his love....our story.

I love it!

I love him!

Peace

Can I Get An Amen?

Hallelujah this deployment is OVER. Done. Finito. In the bag. Waving from the back window of a speeding car!

My best guy isn't home yet, but he is not 'there'....and that is almost good enough. Ya'll, this deployment has sucked in a major way (can I get a witness?). This girl was not put on this earth of walk alone. Nope, I need my guy holding my hand and walking right beside me...shaking his head at me and telling me what a hot mess I am.

I go bat-shit crazy by myself. I behave irrationally and scare my friends and family. The dogs think I am getting ready to audition for the starring role in "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, part 2" or the "Sybil" remake. Whichever makes me seem more challenging. Now, hold your horses...I am not speaking derogatory towards anyone with true challenges....just making a correlation. I don't have the time nor energy to pacify anyone riding the PC bus. Do.  NOT. GO. There.

I am the spouse of a (returning) deployed soldier..I am allowed to swagger around toting my crazy in my Vera.

Okay...let's all breath. Exhale with me..no wimping out.

Peace

Dear Mom

I miss you so much.

My heart aches for you everyday...some days more than others.
Like today.

I wish I could roll back time, knowing what I know now, and save you. Without Daddy by your side, I would only be saving myself this incredible grief, but I would do it just to keep you with me. I would have been selfish that way because I know how it feels to live without you too.

I miss you.

Peace

Last Saturday Night?

This could possibly be the last Saturday night that I slid under the covers of my bed...without my husband by my side.
Possibly. 
Maybe.

Not likely.
But I'm hopefully optimistic.

Peace

Dear Alice....

I wish that I could do this - make a "Final" decision and stick to it.

But, honestly....I can't.

I realize that I miss my friend...my confidant, my 'go to' when I needed to talk and just be heard without fear of judgment. I missed my personal place where I could let my crazy run wild and free. I missed the home that I made within the lines of my page. My stool in the closet where I could sit and cry or think. I found myself grieving for my voice more than I ever imagined I would.

I missed my Blog.
I wanted to stop. I really, really WANTED to stop.

I convinced myself that it was time...for the best...to move on. I thought the words had ceased to exist inside of me and there was nothing left for me in this space of Blogville ~ not realizing that it was just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one.

I was wrong.

This IS my place, and my story is never-ending. There will always be something that I want to share with no one else but me. There will forever be stories, and laughter, and sadness, and joy that I cannot...and should not...contain, lest I burst all of my crazy seams.

So, I inhale again - but this time it is a sweet inhale.

I Have Exhaled

I've  heard it said that 'when you know.....you just know'.

My friends...I just know.

After 6 years of blogging and sharing my story along the way, I have decided to end my blog right here...right now. Instead of putting my life into words, I will now focus on putting my life into action.

All 6 years of posts have been unpublished...good memories.

There is no long drawn out Good-bye...

I have exhaled.

It's just The End.

Peace

Acts of Kindness

My mother taught me to be loving, kind and giving. I have to admit that I love this inherited quality about myself because it gives me such happiness to give to those that I love. Not only monetarily, but emotionally. As wonderful as this trait is, it is also a curse.

I have a difficult time NOT being loving, kind and giving...even when I know it will never be reciprocated or appreciated. It's in those moments when I end up with hurt feelings and a dampened spirit....not that I expect anything in return, but because I guess I do..

As much as I say "never again" I know it is not within me to stop giving love, showing kindness and giving to others. It is my nature...who is was designed to be. And sometimes.....just sometimes....I am an easy target to be taken advantage of, to be unappreciated, to be overlooked.

I am blessed with family and friends that return my efforts with so much love that my soul is continually fed. I also acknowledge that I have people in my life who take but never replenish. For those people, the well is drawing empty and soon there will nothing left to give. It has happened before and relationships have ended.

Peace

Independently Dependent

My name is Renee and I have/had an alcohol dependency problem.

Whew....I just wrote that, didn't I?

My spiral of dependency started 6 years ago after my parents died and my husband deployed. I found that a glass or bottle of wine would fill whatever emptiness that I had. It didn't, but not for lack of trying. Over the years I knew I had grown dependent on wine, although I never mentioned it to anyone. One glass turned into two, and before I could say stop...I was polishing off the whole bottle in a single night. Night after night. Oh my gosh, the money I have consumed.....

Throughout this current deployment I have found ways to justify and rationalize my drinking. Before going home from work I would mentally visualize what was in my wine stock to make sure there was enough for at least 2 glasses. If not, then I would stop for more....just in case. My consumption didn't have a stop button. I would wake each morning with a hazy head, sometimes throbbing, and swear by all things holy that I would not drink that night. I always failed miserably. Afterall, there is half a bottle left. Can't have that, right?

I would tell myself that I would NOT drink when I got home...even as I was filling my glass in the kitchen. 'Just a little', I reasoned with myself each time I removed the wine bottle stopper. I KNEW that I could not control myself but night after night I drank to relax, the sleep, to fill my time, to celebrate, to just because. I rationalized that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink all day and could go stretches without a glass of wine.

3 weeks ago, glass of white wine in hand, I started to Google "how to stop drinking". I wasn't looking for a fast fix, or a short term fix, but a sincere stop altogether. I've heard it said that when you admit to yourself that you have a problem, that is half of the battle. The other half is the war.  I have tried obstaining. I have tried prayer. I have tried avoiding situations. I was was defeated in my attempts and not strong enough to fight  my weakness. I came across a youtube video on hypnosis  for individuals who want to stop drinking. Silly stuff.... I laughed as I sipped. But, why not?

For 35 minutes I relaxed in the recliner with headphones and a voice in my ear.  Crazy much? I allowed the voice to walk through my path of dependency....to the other side. I didn't "feel" any different when the session was over. There was not a lightening bolt of realization  that hit me...nothing. I felt 'crazy' enough but glad I did something, even if it turned out to be 35 minutes of non-drinking time.

I picked up my glass of wine and walked to the kitchen. I no longer desired it and watched as I poured it down the sink. Day after day, night after night, I had no urge or desire to pour a glass. Even when I could see the wine in the cabinet, I wasn't pulled to open it. Not at all. I began taking a vitamin  mixture and herbal tea, both designed to detox my liver. Each passing day I felt better without drinking. I no longer thought about it nor obsessed about it.

Instead of telling my friends I allowed myself to have a glass or two of wine Friday night. My body revolted in a big way and I spent the weekend with a migraine. I guess I can't detox and drink at the same time, go figure. It was a good lesson for me anyway. A real reminder of what it's like to feel after a drink. Such an eye opener for me.

To my friends and family,  I am sorry for not confiding in you with this very personal struggle. I should have trusted you to help me with my accountability for sobriety. I'm okay now, although I know this will be an ongoing quest for me. It honestly no longer feels like a struggle...just a new adventure.

Peace

Moments Like This

Today is February 12, 2016.

Just a normal day.
Nothing special.
Just ordinary.

And I wish I could talk to my parents.

Peace

Weight, wait...don't tell me

According to the BMI chart I am 28.2 pounds over "normal" weight. To be considered "normal" I should weight between 101 and 136.

Could you imagine how emaciated I would look even at the highest of "normal". I would not look normal, nor feel normal. I would look like girlfriend needs a cheeseburger!

In an effort to assume "normal", I have counted  calories, points, grams, weighed & measured my food, liquefied my food, starved myself,made myself sick, all for the sake of just one more pound down.  I have hated myself, cried endlessly, and talked worse to myself in the mirror and said things that I would never say to someone I truly hated. I have shamed myself for not being more active, for having to buy a bigger size, for not looking like I did  20 years ago, and for being weak and eating one more calorie over my allotment. I have screamed in disgust at myself..."you are disgusting, you are weak, you are nothing, you are fat, no one could love you the way you are, your husband will leave, your children are embarrassed. ..." . Oh my goodness....the hateful things I was convinced were true.

I finally stopped. I finally said, WTF....I learned to accept myself, who I am (who I am not), to look at myself with love and acceptancd.

I stopped.

I do not diet. I do not shame myself. I do not talk down to myself. I do not worry about eating that cookie. I choose not to eat fast food or fried foods. I choose to eat healthy lean meats and fish. I choose to eat vegetables and fruits. I force myself to drink water. I choose to drink 1-2 cups of coffee daily, and to drink a sprite every once in a while. I choose to stop drinking. I choose to focus on  my health and not a number on the scale. I choose to dress for my body shape, to walk with my head up, to take care of my outer self and my inner self. I am confident and beautiful and Me.

On Facebook and in life I witness the self-loathing that society has forced us to accept in order to be in some crazy chart of "normalcy". "I'm trying to be good so I can't  eat that cheesecake (insert whatever), " If could just loose that last 5 pounds. .. ", "I hate how I look in that dress, ...", "No, don't take  my picture", " I will have my picture taken when I loose some weight", "I've been so good that I am having a cheat day today"...followed by "I hate myself for giving in".

I think I have said all of those things at least once or twice in my life. The truth is life is short. Fleeting. Not guaranteed. Here this moment and gone the next.

It drives me crazy to read or hear women (or men) talk about themselves as a size, a number, or a calorie-intake. We spend so much time beating ourselves up that we don't see how truly beautiful we are made to be. I may  ever be a size whatever again, but I am  beautiful anyway. I want to be in front of the camera with my children, grand children, family and friends and not shamefully behind the lense because someone may look at the picture and see my double chin.

Let's shake off the chains that weigh us down and walk head-up.

We own this damn place!

Peace

In The Home Stretch

There is something odd about being in the home stretch of deployment. The excitement and anticipation is over shadowed by nervousness and anxiety. When you see the end in sight it feel like it will never get here....the days tick by slower for some crazy reason.

I'm tired of this deployment....more tired than I think I have ever been.

One thing I know for sure is that this is the very last one...never again. 

Peace.

Yes I Did

I am 49 and sliding into 50 a little faster than I want. With lipstick in hand I will arrive early at the 50 years mark with as much grace as I can muster. There are moments in my adult years where I could look in the mirror and say "Girl, you are looking good"! I was thin, cute'ish  and admittedly a little cocky about my youth.

Then....aging took over and the train sped up. Wrinkles, lumps, gray hair, post-surgery menopause.
Oh my.

I will never be as young as I am right this second. Tomorrow I will be older than today. Call it vanity, insanity, or whatever....I wanted to capture the true essence of who I am, and how I view myself. AT
the this age, in this time of my life...

So, I did this. I cannot wait to see the pictures.

For me.

Peace

Thanks Dad

When I look back over the non material things I inherited from my parents I am somewhat grateful.

Somewhat.

From my mother I got her ability to love unconditionally, the love of taking care of others, and feeding their bodies with good food and love. I think I also got her ability  to suck up and keep going. I have her facial structure,  hair color and her infinite love for glitter and shine.

From Dad. ...well. I can be a loose cannon sometimes. I got his "fight for family" even when they are wrong attitude. I also  got his ability to......

Let it rip. 

Toot.

 Fart. 

Cut one (or two) loudly. 

Cut the cheese. 

Let the dog bark. 

When I exercise, run, laugh, cough, sneeze, lay on my side.....I sound like....well. my dad. When it is particular  embarrassing  to me, alone, I look up and say, "Gee. Thanks Dad".

There are moments alone that I not embarrass myself, but even the dogs say "WTH?". I get that...I understand.

 

I have cut back of food that causes gas...without change.  Since my husband has been gone I have had full reign to just let go...and trust me, I have.

 

I have less than 2 months to pull this flatulence freedom in...to re-train my body to behave like the gentile southern woman I am.

Wish me luck!

Peace

Tying a Knot...

As this deployment winds down the the end, with each passing day, I feel like my nerves are snapping like dry twigs. My patience is running thin and I am drawing in the disbelief that the end will eventually come. With the days droning on like the equivalent of waiting for water to boil, I get less and less enthused. The cold lonely nights alone are starting to piss me the hell off. In less than two months he will be home to warm his side of the bed....I get that... but today, tonight, and the rest of them until then...makes me a tad bitchy. I am tired of not having my husband. 

We will never do this again. 

Ever.

I'm over, done and don't even have a damn shirt to show for it. So far this has been the longest 9 months of my life!

I know the end is close. The marked off days on the calendar are proof. I will feel excited. I will feel happy. I feel loved.

But, not right this minute.

Nope.

Peace

Loss of a Wish

From the moment Timmy Gibson asked me to write down the words to "I Can't Tell You Why" so he could give them to his girlfriend, Susan...I was hooked. That was in the early 80's and I was somewhere around 14, sitting in my bedroom with an 8 track of "Hotel California", a pencil and a piece of notebook paper from my 3-ring binder. I sat cross-legged for hours (days) playing a few words, then fast-forwarding through the tape back to the next few words. Back then an 8-track tape only went in one direction... forward. I spent countless hours listening to the Eagles over and over and over and over, until I finally had each and every word to that song committed to my young memory, along with all of the other songs - and my love for The Eagles was born.

It wasn't until sitting in my bedroom floor that I realized The Eagles sang one of my very first musical memories, "Witchy Woman". Though I was too young to know who they were back at age 6-7, I never forgot the song. When I was in my early 20's I dated a deaf guy, who I turned into a huge Eagles fan. Even though he couldn't hear the words, he felt the beat of the vibration while I signed the words to every song. That was pretty cool! "I Cant Tell You Why" had been my favorite song since the days of 8-track and and I still sign it whenever it plays on the radio.
 
I don't remember what ever happened between Timmy and Susan, but I do know that my "boys" took me through some hard time, happy times, craziness, sadness, love and life over 35 years since those days in my bedroom. When I was lonely, they were there to ease my loneliness. When I was happy they were there to celebrate with me.... this one band, among untold others, stood with me through the tests that time and life threw at me.  They were my mood music, regardless of what mood that would be.

From my earliest love of them until today, my only musical wish - dream-hope was to one day see them in concert. Whether it was time, space, or money.....the "one day" slipped away. Today Glenn Frey died, taking my 'one day' with him. Gone was the hope and dream of "one day" I will see The Eagles play live in concert. No other passing of a musical great has hurt my heart as much as the death of my most wished wish of my life. The Eagles, without Glenn, have ceased to be...

I am truly heart broken.

Peace

The Eagles - It's your World Now

Two Days In

We are 2 days into a new year and already I haven't  accomplished much. I laid around...literally...ALL DAY new years day.  I wasn't  even near nursing a hangover, I only had one drink and was in  bed by 8:30 New Years Eve; I was just tired and needing to rest a foot injury. To be honest, I didn't  change out of my jammies, take a shower, or put a brush to my hair. I was the epitome of a hot mess!! Gosh, it felt kinda good!

Today I spent time with my daughter-in-law and niece doing a bit of thrifting - such a great time! My evening was quiet and restful.  Sure wish my husband was here to enjoy it with me - counting down the stinking days!!

Tomorrow my youngest son turns 26. How and when did that happen?? He has become a man before my eyes and working hard at college.....I am so, so  so proud of him! 26.....🎂🎁🎈 where did the years go? I fell in love with him the very moment I laid eyes on him. Despite the toughest years, I still have that feeling in my heart for him. He is a great deal like his Dad and that makes me extremely  happy!

So, 2016. What a new beginning.

Peace