On Sunday's he usually leaves work early to get laundry done or just to relax. So, I wait for him to hopefully) come on Skype or FB...I wait...and wait.... and wait....
Deployment - UGH!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
On Sunday's he usually leaves work early to get laundry done or just to relax. So, I wait for him to hopefully) come on Skype or FB...I wait...and wait.... and wait....
Deployment - UGH!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Flashback Friday!
After feeling a teensy-bit upset yesterday....(BTW..the reception venue remains at MY house), I wanted to celebrate today by flashing-back in time! 13 years ago! We were so young!
We've come a LONG WAY Baby!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Always the Bridesmaid....
Well...maybe not the Bridesmaid...but I have come to the realization that I will never be the Mother of the Bride or the Groom. They'll never be wedding planning, bridal showers, invitations to send/guest list to create, a reception to organize, a wedding or rehearsal dinner to fund or a "mother's" dress to wear as I'm escorted down the aisle. A traditional wedding for my children was not in my destiny as a Mother.
Two years ago Kelley & Beau eloped in Fresno, CA and chose not to follow-up with a reception once coming back home. At 8:45am this morning Joshua & Johanna were married in nice civil ceremony in the lobby of the local courthouse. They are thinking about a reception and will let me know what they decide.
It's only my selfishness and pride that makes my heart a bit sad that I will never get the chance 'do the wedding thing' for them (and for me). I've always envisioned what their weddings would be like, what I hoped they'd be like...right down to pictures. There are no wedding pictures to hang on my wall.
So....today I celebrate and welcome my daughter-in-law, Johanna to our family!
Two years ago Kelley & Beau eloped in Fresno, CA and chose not to follow-up with a reception once coming back home. At 8:45am this morning Joshua & Johanna were married in nice civil ceremony in the lobby of the local courthouse. They are thinking about a reception and will let me know what they decide.
It's only my selfishness and pride that makes my heart a bit sad that I will never get the chance 'do the wedding thing' for them (and for me). I've always envisioned what their weddings would be like, what I hoped they'd be like...right down to pictures. There are no wedding pictures to hang on my wall.
Through both ceremonies, I know that I have gained wonderful, loving spouses for my children. Josh & Kelley are loved, adored, and respected by Johanna and Beau - what more could I ask for? Each couple truly fit...like puzzles pieces ... and have chosen to marry in the way that they wanted.
Kelley told me last night that I didn't raise she and Josh to be traditional. It had always been me and them against the World - I raised them alone even when I floated from one failed relationship to another, working several jobs at a time and encouraged them to be their own person. They are able to think for themselves and are both so much stronger than they realize sometimes. It breaks my heart to know that I failed them in so many ways (denying them 'traditional' is only ONE way) and it bit me in the ass! :o)
In no way do I disapprove of my childrens' way of getting married - I am very proud of them! They are just as married as they would be with a full blown event! Their vows are the same promises their Grandparents took, that their Dad & I took, that one day their children will take. I am happy for them and grateful to them for giving me a wonderful daughter-in-law and son-in-law!
In no way do I disapprove of my childrens' way of getting married - I am very proud of them! They are just as married as they would be with a full blown event! Their vows are the same promises their Grandparents took, that their Dad & I took, that one day their children will take. I am happy for them and grateful to them for giving me a wonderful daughter-in-law and son-in-law!
So....today I celebrate and welcome my daughter-in-law, Johanna to our family!Sunday, August 8, 2010
Whew!!!
So, I got to Skype with Rich! I told him that our son is getting MARRIED!We didn't see that coming!
We don't know details yet! The Mr & future Mrs. will come over tomorrow night to talk. Rich will Skype in for the conversation.
A-N-T-I-C-I-P-A-T-I-O-N.....
One thing I dislike
about deployment is
that when I
WANT/NEED
to tell my husband something of vital importance...
and I'm getting ready to bust a seam.....
I CAN'T!
I have HOURS to wait until
I hopefully get a
Phone Call!
(omg...omg...omg..omg.....This IS BIG/HUGE/GINORMOUS NEWS)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday's Reflection...
I found this song through a FB friend (thanks for sharing it)! I'm praying my way through Stage 4 as it related to my Parents - I've raged, cried and vented to God...He's listened and is answering me in His way.
I wish I could've said Goodbye!
Love, Peace & more Love & Peace!
I wish I could've said Goodbye!
Love, Peace & more Love & Peace!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stage 4
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
I'm not sure when I entered this Stage of Grief..but I know when I realized it existed and I was in it. Before that moment of clarity I was been successful in just "ignoring" that Mom & Dad were gone and that my husband was deployed. I allowed my mind to click into auto-pilot and just 'get through' the days and nights. I pretended a lot that all three were traveling/vacationing/working.
Kelley & I took a trip back down South recently to visit extended family. It wasn't the crying-sad trip that my first visit turned in to...this one was more...pleasant with an agenda. Somewhere along the way, among boiled peanuts and white acre peas; among the memories of that little town...I began feverishly pointing out things that I wanted Kelley to know - so I didn't forget. "There's the house where your Grandaddy took piano lessons when he was a little boy. Right there, that's where the cotton mill was that your Papa worked - where he was injured one time and almost died. See that place? That's where my Uncles had a mechanic shop one time and across the street - that used to be a Jr. Food store where my Aunt worked. We used to get slushies there. There's the hospital where your Aunt Rhonda and I were born. That patch of land there, is where you my grandparents had a house...and up the road - another spot where another house stood; the one they lived in when my grandaddy died. There's the house my grandmama moved into after grandaddy died.....there's the little place my papa used to take us for ice cream...The stories spilled out in a desperate attempt to hold on to memories I had been told, and some that I remember. If I forgot them - would I forget those I loved and lost? My aunt gave me cornmeal to take home. You just can't get this kind of cornmeal anywhere - the same with the white acre peas. They are a treasure from the South and I always feel like the goose that laid the golden egg when I have them!
I realized on the way home that I had no idea what to do with the cornmeal. Did I have the kind you bake or the kind you fry? I didn't ask my aunt. And the peas my Mother always brought back from her trips and cooked up for us... I don't know to cook them. I think she added a little oil - but I can't be sure. It was then that I realized I couldn't call her and ask her. She wasn't there to walk me through fried cornbread. I would never again be able to pick up the phone and tell Daddy about me & Kelley having breakfast with one of his classmates. They were gone and were never coming back. They would be gone for the rest of my life. Stage 4.
In bed that night I lay on my side of the bed. The reality finally registered that this was how my every night would be for the next 250+ days...it hit hard. I would feel this way every single night until my husband returned (then the sorrow of 'what if"). Being on auto-pilot had shielded me from the realization of loneliness - now the wound of honesty was open and bleeding. No matter how much I wanted and prayed - my husband would be gone until time to return. Stage 4.
I've cried many tears since returning from my trip to South Alabama and memory lane. I can't pretend anymore..this is how my life will be until....
It's difficult for others to understand the grief of losing both parents at the same time. Friends and family tend to freeze and change the subject when I bring up a memory or mention my parents. There's no release from the grief when I can't feel like I can talk through the emotions. It makes for a very sad and lonely existence. Then you add the layer of deployment on top - that adds to the distance from others because they don't "get" it. They also don't get that in 7 months I have lost and/or been separated from 3 of the most significant emotional support pillars in my life.
Right now I feel very fragile and 'not' strong in emotion or spirit. I miss the part of grief when I was on auto-pilot and just going through the physical motions without the emotions.
I hear there's Stage 5 coming at some point. Please, God...make Stage 4 go away!
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
I'm not sure when I entered this Stage of Grief..but I know when I realized it existed and I was in it. Before that moment of clarity I was been successful in just "ignoring" that Mom & Dad were gone and that my husband was deployed. I allowed my mind to click into auto-pilot and just 'get through' the days and nights. I pretended a lot that all three were traveling/vacationing/working.
Kelley & I took a trip back down South recently to visit extended family. It wasn't the crying-sad trip that my first visit turned in to...this one was more...pleasant with an agenda. Somewhere along the way, among boiled peanuts and white acre peas; among the memories of that little town...I began feverishly pointing out things that I wanted Kelley to know - so I didn't forget. "There's the house where your Grandaddy took piano lessons when he was a little boy. Right there, that's where the cotton mill was that your Papa worked - where he was injured one time and almost died. See that place? That's where my Uncles had a mechanic shop one time and across the street - that used to be a Jr. Food store where my Aunt worked. We used to get slushies there. There's the hospital where your Aunt Rhonda and I were born. That patch of land there, is where you my grandparents had a house...and up the road - another spot where another house stood; the one they lived in when my grandaddy died. There's the house my grandmama moved into after grandaddy died.....there's the little place my papa used to take us for ice cream...The stories spilled out in a desperate attempt to hold on to memories I had been told, and some that I remember. If I forgot them - would I forget those I loved and lost? My aunt gave me cornmeal to take home. You just can't get this kind of cornmeal anywhere - the same with the white acre peas. They are a treasure from the South and I always feel like the goose that laid the golden egg when I have them!
I realized on the way home that I had no idea what to do with the cornmeal. Did I have the kind you bake or the kind you fry? I didn't ask my aunt. And the peas my Mother always brought back from her trips and cooked up for us... I don't know to cook them. I think she added a little oil - but I can't be sure. It was then that I realized I couldn't call her and ask her. She wasn't there to walk me through fried cornbread. I would never again be able to pick up the phone and tell Daddy about me & Kelley having breakfast with one of his classmates. They were gone and were never coming back. They would be gone for the rest of my life. Stage 4.
In bed that night I lay on my side of the bed. The reality finally registered that this was how my every night would be for the next 250+ days...it hit hard. I would feel this way every single night until my husband returned (then the sorrow of 'what if"). Being on auto-pilot had shielded me from the realization of loneliness - now the wound of honesty was open and bleeding. No matter how much I wanted and prayed - my husband would be gone until time to return. Stage 4.
I've cried many tears since returning from my trip to South Alabama and memory lane. I can't pretend anymore..this is how my life will be until....
It's difficult for others to understand the grief of losing both parents at the same time. Friends and family tend to freeze and change the subject when I bring up a memory or mention my parents. There's no release from the grief when I can't feel like I can talk through the emotions. It makes for a very sad and lonely existence. Then you add the layer of deployment on top - that adds to the distance from others because they don't "get" it. They also don't get that in 7 months I have lost and/or been separated from 3 of the most significant emotional support pillars in my life.
Right now I feel very fragile and 'not' strong in emotion or spirit. I miss the part of grief when I was on auto-pilot and just going through the physical motions without the emotions.
I hear there's Stage 5 coming at some point. Please, God...make Stage 4 go away!
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