Randomness

• I miss being excited about getting up and going to work, in a job that fulfilled me.
• I'm grateful that I have a job, as fulfilling as it is.
• I miss my husband even though he's just one state south!
• I hate pollen!
• My house is too quiet at the moment.
• I hate craving a certain food for dinner, only to talk myself into coming home and making something healthy.
• Where in hell does all of this dust come from?
• My neighbor's daughter got her driver's license today (she's 17)...Way to Go Morgan!!
• I turn Skype on everyday (habit from deployment) and there's no one to talk to. :o(
• I'm glad I don't have to depend on Skype anymore in order to talk to my husband!  :o)
• Tomorrow we find out what my grandchild is!! Yea!!!
• The End

Lately...

My heart feels heavy with missing

and longing

for my

Mom & Dad.

They died a little over a year ago

 and right

this minute,

this second....

my heart feels their absence
so much.

You can't see my tears
You can't see the grief inside,
You would have no idea the void I feel
My emotions aren't on the outside.
But they are there..they are real.

I miss them. Deeply. So very deeply.

Speechless...but not Wordless...

Like so many of my friends in Blogsphere, I opened up Google Reader to see what you all were saying after (what I hoped was for YOU) a fabulous weekend. Like many of you, along with me, who follow Jessica, I found myself stunned to complete silence to read her words, " If you are reading this, you should know that I am dead. At least I hope I'm dead. It would be awful to fail at your own suicide". Each word that followed gripped my heart as it started to break apart...for Jessica, for the circumstance and loneliness that led to her decision, and for ALL of us as military spouses, women, friends. I felt her sadness and the pain that brought her to the point she had arrived; I felt angry that she had been abandoned my her husband, the Army, her family; and that in that abandonment she was lost in desperation. It was a great relief to read in 'comments' that she was located and in the hospital.

About 85% of us can relate to her story in one way or another. We've all felt the abandonment of a relationship, we've felt the sorrow of broken trust, the pain of deployment separation or the aftermath of return, of not being able to (or comfortable) reaching out to our friends and family, and have been enveloped in the darkness of loneliness.

If we were being honest, many of us could admit to wanting to, contemplating, or even attempting any means to end the pain. We've experienced circumstances beyond our realm of control that are too much to continue to bear alone - and the fear and shame in reaching out to strangers when those you put your trust in turn their back on you.

Although Jessica's situation may not be exactly like our own, and we've not crossed the line to make it all go away, we've all been there and lived to tell the story. She lives to tell her story now (Thank You God)! I can only trust and pray that she is able to get the love, support and care that she needs now to help her rebuild her soul.

Blog friends, in the darkest of my days last year you all supported me and got me through some tough days and nights. Some of you knew what it was to lose a parent (or both), some of you walked the road of deployment with me. You laughed with me, I'm sure cried with me, and you became my Friends. Each of you! I may not respond to your post as often as I should or say Thank You enough for your virtual support, but I have a deep love & caring for you all!

We are all never as alone as we feel or think we are. Just as Jessica's auto post hit the blogsphere someone read it and responded immediately; know that someone is a click, a text, a phone call, and email away. Reach out! Reach out! Reach Out!

Got Jacked!

I LOVE my bank! It's a credit union - and I love them! They have a tight fraud security group that will think nothing about calling me to make sure a transaction is legit (day/night/weekend..they don't care what time it is).

Unfortunately...not all transactions are!

I received a call this morning from my bank to validate some recent charges. Gas on Wednesday (yep - legit...I HATE using my debit card for gas purchases. I'm always leering of using my debit in those situations just IN CASE my card gets compromised, I don't want the account I 'live' in to be impacted). Purchase Wednesday on line for an annual membership- Yep, legit. International purchase on Amazon ($180) on Wednesday? Whoa....what? No...not legit. Amazon purchase ($290) this morning?  Uhhhhh...no...HELL NO! Uggggggggg!

My credit card got jacked! Under the bank's direction I cut up my card immediately and they closed it out, sending me a new card. Fortunately the charges were removed from my account and will be completely investigated by their fraud department.

It's so frustrating but it could have been a LOT worse!

Back to Life...Back to Reality...

Rich returned to (civilian) work on Monday. We are so blessed and fortunate that he had a job to return to following his deployment. Just before he deployed the company he works for was bought by another company, some of the key players have changed and roles were changed/moved/disrupted. Until Monday it was unclear exactly what he would be returning to. He was ready, nervous and restless Sunday night and didn't sleep well. Kind of like the first day of school...same people but now you're all in a different grade, may not have classes together and new teachers.

He spent a couple of days just getting acclimated to the changes, doing the 'welcome back' conversations with his friends and going through his work email that had accumulated 2,000 emails in the past year. Today he got confirmation of his job/project (not necessarily what he had hoped for), but it'll be okay and what role he will be taking. Along with the confirmation came a round trip ticket leaving Monday for the week-long  business trip. We were a bit disappointed that he will have to travel so soon (as we know there will be a great deal of travel involved); but at least this trip won't last a year!

Looks like we are back to Life...back to reality!

WARNING ~ Reintegration May Cause Unexpected Weight Gain!

   He Came Home!

We did ALOT of This ~

Lots of THIS~

 AND Plenty of THIS ~

Not a lot of THIS ~

OR

OR

Now I have a little more of THIS ~

 

And

I must have missed the WARNING when reading the Reintgration Manual

(lol...what manual????)

There's not one second I would change in these 28 days!!

27 Days of Bliss

My husband has been home from Afghanistan for 27 days. It has been 27 days of finding our groove, each other, and a new normal. The first week and a half (while I was working) he decompressed by rebuilding our privacy fence, laying sod in the backyard and doing a bit of landscaping. The following week we travelled to the West coast to visit our kids and other family. It was a great trip! The rest of last week (his last week before starting back to work) Rich continued to piddle around the house, calling me a few times throughout the day to say how bored he was!

Saturday we leathered-up and headed out on a long (300 miles) motorcycle ride that circle across N. Alabama, up Natchez Trace to downtown Nashville and back home.

Whewww...we were totally wiped out after all of that riding. But let me tell you, the scenery was just beautiful up the Trace. Rich did all of the hard work while I sat behind him soaking it all up and reading my Kindle every so often.

Sunday we went to the Monthly Blocker Breakfast for some family time, a few laughs, and an overall good time! After a quick trip to Walmart we made our way back home for a whole lot of NOTHING!!! Rich changed into his (as he called them) "not doing shit all day" clothes and I found a comfy sun dress and joined him in the backyard hammock. We laid in the hammock for 3 hours, each of us reading and doing nothing more.

As we lay there in the hammock and the warm breeze I couldn't help but steal a zillion glances at him. This was our perfect day and I couldn't believe that we were there in that moment together.

 

I've tried to remember what it was like without him for a year, through deployment, and I can't. I've said it a hundred times but I really feel like 2010 did not happen. That I went to sleep one night and he was gone, only to wake up the next morning and he's there. 

We followed up our hammock time with a cookout with our daughters and our neighbors - such a wonderful ending to a wonderful weekend!

Happy Monday!