Wednesday & Loving You...

My husband and I keep a private blog...here is today's entry:

Title: Wednesday & Loving You.

My Love ~

It's Wednesday once again and I'm loving you more everyday. I won't lie..the separation is tough. It's only tough because I miss you being home and with me. There are times where I just barely make it through until bedtime - the complete loneliness makes each step difficult to make. Mostly, I am on auto-pilot and just go through the motions of life; trying to do it justice along the way. I am grateful that I get to talk to you at least once a day and exchange emails and messages often. I'm aware that so many spouses go for weeks without a word from their Soldiers; I'm one of the lucky ones but I don't take that for granted for one second. I'm honored to love you and have you love me back!

Jake is such as awesome dog! I was having a tough afternoon - grieving for my folks and for you. I sat in my closet for over 40 minutes crying (it's okay...it happens)...Jake came and licked me on the nose 3 times and snuggled up to me. He didn't stay long but long enough to "hug" me and let me know he's there.

Kelley & Beau are leaving on their adventure next Monday! I've tried to help them get everything ready to leave...they seem pretty well prepared. Other than giving them a little money, I'm not sure what else I can do.
It's an exciting time for them and I hope they are able to see a lot on their journey and find where their place is. I will miss Kelley terribly. She's been my source of strength this year - I'm not sure how much more "lost" I can get.

I miss you!!

I Love You, Soldier Boy!

P.S. One more thing... 10,000 Times!


Love, Peace & A Hug to all of You!

"Next Stop, Vegas Please..."

My trip to Vegas was just what I needed. I needed to get away..no pressure..no urgency to take care of anything..no one to be responsible for..and the freedom to do nothing if I wanted.

After checking into our hotel (off the strip), my cousin picked us up for a special personal tour of the strip and dinner at the Venetian. All of the lights and activity was just incredible to see.

My friend and I gambled away our Saturday at the Monte Carlo, Venetian, Aria, Caesar's Palace, and the Bellagio (there was one more - I think). We lost some but won some. After a few wins..I ended up coming home with all of my money plus a little. We didn't take in any Shows - but we had a great time! With only one day and a few hours there we did our best to enjoy as much as possible without being overwhelmed.

Here we are having lunch at Spago!

Me, enjoying the day - going to Caesar's Palace. The statues and show indoor was spectacular. I cannot wait until Rich and I go next year!

There wasn't much that happened in Vegas that needed to stay there - with such a short time. But, we saw a few things and people that I saw that should stay there!

Vegas will still be there next year - Rich and I will definitely plan to leave some things behind!

Getting to Know You Sunday

I'm home from Vegas! I will update on my trip tomorrow... until then, I found this "Getting To Know You Sunday" from Marie at Such is the Life of a Military Wife,

I thought I'd throw this out until I can recover from the travel and upload a few pics!

So...here's a few things to Know About Me:

The Questions

1.If you had $5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done?I would SOOOO have a tummy tuck. Hell, I'm 44 and have birthed 3 kids...I would pay the mint for a flat tummy again. If there any $$$$ left,  would lipo my ass! The rest I could deal with!

2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why?I work full-time so I don't get to watch soaps...but, I LOVE Guiding Light!!!

3. Favorite clothing brand?Anything that fits and doesn't make me look like the shape I really am!! Then again, thank goodness for body-shapers!

4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?A maid service! When you are over 40...you can generally afford the shopping spree...it's the house cleaning that I would go for!

5. Would you ever vajazzle? What????If it includes wine...maybe! LOL

6. Favorite Disney Princess? Wow....no clue. I guess Ariel - she rocks the shell bikini top!

7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out?I don't know the name..but it was Jennifer Anniston and she fell in love with her best friend (guy) who was gay. There was a moment where she told him  -  just made me cry!

8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what?Yes, I broke my collar bone in a motorcycle wreck. Pook and I were heading out for a ride and I wiped out behind him. I remember seeing him pull into a gas station to get gas as I tried to sit up...When I didn't show up...he came back to look for me.

I hope you've enjoyed getting to know me...Peace!

Like a Kid Waiting on Santa!

So, here I sit at the airport...waiting to board my flight to Vegas. I feel like I'm 5 years old ... Christmas Eve...waiting for Santa!

Love, Peace & Wooohooo!

27 Years...Never Forgotten

You were so small..tiny..early..

I never held you in life ~ only a few moments in death

You would be 27 today.

I wonder what you would have been. Who you would've been.

If only...

If only I had known labor had begun - until it was too late.

If medical advances of today had been there then.

The grief still exists ~ tears still fall. Not often..but they fall.

Never Forgotten.

Living on the Edge..

Two words that DO NOT describe me:

• Spontaneous
• Frivolous

I remember one time my sister told me I was boring...my clothes were boring, my hair cut was boring and I was boring. Crushed me like a cheap cigarette in a lonely parking lot! I have to admit..she was probably right at the time. I've never been one to venture outside of the line (okay..sometimes when it was really, really fun!!!). Most of my clothes are solid color, I'm really an introvert (according to Myers-Briggs) and I am too insecure to just "DO IT" (not talking about sex here..that's a different thing all together) on a whim. I like planning and organization for the most part.

So when my cell phone rang at 7:00am this morning and I saw that my closest and oldest (meaning we've been close friends since we were 12) friend was calling...my first thought was "oh shit...something's happened".

Her: "Hey, what are you doing this weekend"?
Me: "Well, I'd planned to go to Nashville to my cousin's for a wine tasting thing. Why? Is something wrong"?
Her: "Well, do you think you can take off work at noon tomorrow"?
Me: "I don't know. I'll have to get to work and see what's going on. Why. What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Her: " How would you like an all expense paid trip to Vegas for the weekend with me. I've got gabazillion points to get your plane ticket and the hotel is all ready taken care of?"
Me: "That's crazy! I can't just go off the Vegas. What's going on?"

She tells me about her previously planned and paid for weekend to Vegas she had with another friend. The friend couldn't make it so she called me. Clearly I was her #1 on her Plan B! That's okay - I still love her.

Me: "I'm sorry about your friend. Let me get to work and check my schedule (as if I'd be tied up) and I'll let you know".

15 minutes later I am driving to work thinking of all of the reasons why I couldn't just drop life and go to Vegas and how irresponsible it would be for me to be away from home! I called her back, ready to be my same boring, cautious self...instead, I opened my mouth and said:

"Book it"!

Within seconds her fingers were flying across her keyboard and my plane ticket was confirmed!

I'M GOING TO VEGAS FOR THE WEEKEND! How freaking crazy is that? OMG...what have I done??!! I'm actually doing something frivolous and spontaneous!

Cut It Out! Just sayin'....

The HR Conference went very well! I'm excited about all that I learned, the people that I met, and the networking that I did! I won't say much in a public forum (FB or Blog), but I am super-uber stoked!

So... I get home and Brian (Dial-a-Husband) is just finishing up cutting my front yard. He takes care of the front - he likes the cut to be the same as the cut of his front yard - and I take care of the back yard. I secretly feel that he thinks I will screw it up and that would look bad for his yard! Just kidding Brian!!!

Oh, let me digress a bit to last Saturday. I got up extremely early to get the yard cut... before 8 am when the temp would be a stifling 85 degrees. If you've ever lived in the South..you can appreciate that the humidity is a bitch. If you plan to do ANYTHING 'yard work-wise' you sure as hell better do it early or after the  sun goes down. I go out to start the riding mower, 'cause I'm lazy that way. It won't crank (shit). I check and it's bone dry...I put in gas. Turn it over...nothing but a drowning cough comes out. Now, I could've just said 'f-it' and went back in the house...grabbed my coffee and tried to think of a way to ask Brain into do it for me.... but I thought of my husband burning his ass up in 130 plus temps everyday...dodging rocket attacks and a high-ranking Army official who thinks the NG (in my husband's MOS) can't do shit because they are NG, less than full-time ARMY, and therefore a drain on the war effort.. I broke out the push mower and mowed the back yard (it's not a small thing)..then I weeded everything I missed with the mower. There were a few moments of delirium when sweat was pouring down my face and blinding me...then I saw the Whitten duo on their back deck ... they could see me - I couldn't wuss out! I kept going until it was all finished. On Sunday morning I got up (early) to plant some flowers that my son-in-law's mother gave me. They are all dying as we speak because I have the blackest thumb in the whole SOUTH! I kept watering the bastards in hopes that they will make a complete recovery! Time will tell.

Reminds me of a funny story about my Mother. My Mother's mind worked in mysterious ways! She could rationalize anything. For 20 years she and my Dad where one of the top truck driving teams for a particular Alabama trucking company. She loved flowers so much and had the most beautiful (and largest) Azalea bushes I've ever seen. Anyway...she wanted a flower garden to come home to. We went over one rare weekend when she and Daddy were home. She had a beautiful flower garden and was so please to show it off - she could wait to take us outside to see it. I'll have to admit...it was the most beautiful garden of fake flowers I have ever seen! That's my kind of gardening!

Now jump forward to today.. so I get home from my trip and think about the next few days. Tomorrow is trivia night at a new Mexican restaurant (I may want to go to that). Friday night is either (1) I'm going up to Nashville, or (2) I'm going to the 12-year tradition of Friday Night Wine/Whine, Cheese fest at the Whittens. Then Saturday I am going to Nashville til Sunday. I knew I either had to cut the grass tonight or else need a bush-hog next week. I check the riding mower - damn, damn, damn...not gonna work for me! As I'm stomping to the garage cussing up a blue streak, to get the push mower.. I just know that I'm going to die of a heat stroke (it was 91 out) or break an effing nail that I just had done! Both would royally piss me off! As I'm pushing the damn mower in a square around one section of the back yard...I see Brain in my back yard...standing there. I straighten my back and arms to show that 'hey, I'm no wimp'. I make my way up to him and he say "You know, if you pull "this" bar up...the front wheels will roll better. Your mower is self-propelled". WTF? I've been pushing this SOB around the yard on at least 4 occasions without knowing that! Then he says.."Hey, I'm going to check your riding mower".  yell after him... "Oh, I tried to crank it and it just won't crank". What happens??? 2 minutes later he's tooling around my yard on the riding mower. Evidently there is a choke thing that has to be in some position, then you have to move it there... Again...WTF? Obviously I missed the Lawn Mower 101 classes that my husband didn't give me! Yes Pook...I've been pushing that f'ing brick of a mower around the backyard all this time!!! I thik Brain felt bad because I was so stupid clueless that we teamed up and got the yard cut within 25 minutes before moving on to cut down a couple of beers!

Geesh....I've never sweated so much in my life! Seriously!

Peace, Love & More Love!

Working For A Living...

Work.
Love it or hate it (and I've done both); just thankful to have a job!

I stumbled into my line of work - HR/Recruiting & Employee Relations 12 year ago, after spending 8 years as a professional sign language interpreter for deaf college students. It was a rewarding time in my life - it brought me face to face with wonderful individuals who I never saw as 'disabled'...but were 'abled' with a challenge to overcome. That career gave me fantastic long-lasting friendships and helped me choose my path in college. Since then I have worked progressively in various areas of HR and, for the most part, have enjoyed the growth and challenge that my career choice has given to me. Lately, I've been unmotivated and unchallenged in my career - I've questioned myself and cursed myself for not going into a more diverse field. I'm in a work-rut!

The market-slowdown and economics have brought me to a stalemate...I'm not "out there" in my job and engaged with employees anymore. I'm not finding a challenge in my day-to-day activities, nor do I feel the HR passion that I used to feel. So when my manager sent me information to attend a 2-day HR conference ... I submitted my registration within the hour!  Tomorrow I will take a short trip from home and spend 2 days attending a conference regarding how to recruit, hire and support  People with Disabilities & America's Wounded Warriors! I'll sit in on sessions relating to Disability Awareness, Recruiting, Accommodations & Technology, Employing & Accommodating Employees Affected by PTSD/TBI, and targeted physical injuries resulting from Iraq & Afghanistan.

I am so excited - I feel like a breath of fresh air has just been blown across my career. I may come back from these next 2 days back to my desk doing the same mundane tasks - but I'll have a new awareness and (hopefully) have done some networking that could change my whole direction. I feel like a change is waiting for me...I feel like there's something more for me out there....

I realize the there was no point to my blog tonight - just to share something that I'm excited about!

Love, Peace & Fresh Air!

The Greatest Man I've Ever Known...

Daddy, you were the Greatest Man that I have ever known. My heart and soul ache for you every day.


I love you & miss you!

Flashback Friday...

For Flashback Friday I am sharing a few pictures of Me, Josh & Kelley!

Oh-my-goodness..look at the wings in my hair! 20 years ago!

I think Kelley was 4 and Josh was 6...give or take a year!

This was taken at my Nephew's Wedding about 3 yrs ago

Joshua's 25th Birthday in 2009.

We've come a long way!!!

The Show...

If you haven't been to the 2010 Soldier Show yet...you are missing one hell of a time! Last night I grabbed up my daughter, Kelley, and headed out to the show - it was my very first time to see a Soldier Show. Mind you, by the time I got home and threw on a fresh coat of makeup and said "let's go"...we had 30 minutes to get downtown. Kelley said she'd only go if there was food involved - we were both starving! Ugh....I hate being late! So.... we made our way, in the rain, around the curves of the country road (Kelley repeatedly telling me to slow down)..and zipped into Zaxby's for a couple of kiddie meals to hold us over. We finally get to the civic center and in the concert hall just as the performance was starting! Let me tell you.... it was HANDS-DOWN a F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C show! The energy, committment, and talent from those Soldiers was just un.be.lieve.able! 

There was one performance that had me and Roo in tears ("I Want to Come Home") - couldn't help it. Then it was followed up by "Sweet Home Alabama" - to which Kelley rolled her eyes and said "Oh God...not this song! I have to listen to this at least once a day...every radio station plays it". It our curse because we live in Alabama!

I laughed...really laughed at her over that song - it felt good to laugh again! I still made her stand up like the rest of us crazies and clap to the beat. I want to just spill the beans and tell you all about each performance, but I don't want to spoil it for you! Just go see it!! It wasn't just entertaining but educational; as they shared about the history of the show through stories, song and dance.

The US Army Soldier Show is sponsored by the US Army MWR and is free to attend. Please check them out when they come to your area...you will not be disappointed!

Another thing that I did yesterday was to take 1/2 day off from work! Yep, I did! I met CPT's wife (CPT is deployed with Pook - just at a different location) and beautiful children for lunch..and then took advantage of the FREE entry at the Botanical Gardens (free this week for Armed Forces Week with Military ID). They are such a cute little family and I enjoyed hanging out with them.

I feel refreshed from my day yesterday..I even turned on the radio on the way into work today!

I want to share my wonderful Husband's comment to my recent post Where Did I Go?

Rich said...

My dearest friend, my love, my darling. Be careful of where you play in your head. In our current situation, the left side is going to play tricks on the right and the right on the left. This is by design and a true test of our self. You will win! Why? Because you are strong, you are determined, you have emotion and desire. Which is why I love you so much! Hang in there my love, hang in there! And to all your Blog friends. Thank you for the kind words and peace of mind you bring to my wife. Thank You! I wish you all well in your journeys. The roads we travel are filled with bumps and curves. This we know and as my friend said today in an email. Only you can allow someone else to have control of your emotions. Later, R2

This is why I love him so much and can carry on!

Love, Peace & more Peace!
HOORAH!

Wordless Wednesday...

My FAVORITE Soldier! I Miss Him, Endlessly!

My watch... My FAVORITE gift!  (I keep the top time set for MY time zone, and the bottom time set for Rich's Time Zone)

Love, Peace & Happy Wednesday!

P.S. I'm feeling better today! Thank you all!

Where Did I Go?

I feel like this...

most of the time.




I move through the motions of every day; mostly in silence. The only conversations I have are the ones playing through my head. I have become reclusive on some level. I no longer turn on the television for morning news & entertainment provided by our over-zealous weather folks, I don't turn on the radio in the car, other than "good morning" and "good night", and the work-related necessary exchange of words with my co-workers ~ I don't engage in any form of real conversation with the people I spend 8 hours with, 5 days a week. I don't turn on the TV at night, I don't send emails or make phone calls. There never seems to be anything to say that someone would relate - to or understand. I had a conversation with each of my brothers (2) in the last 2 days - I realized that I haven't talked to them (really talked) in probably a month. My sister lives with me.. the words escape me most times. My closest friends stand back waiting for me to step forward "when I'm ready"...I feel glued in place.

I've lost my 'skip', my energy, my motivation, my joy, somewhere over the past 5 1/2 months. Try as I might I just can't get it back. I go into my own head to figure out what I'm thinking...what's the problem? ..it's empty up there! There's no thought, no irrational/rational flood of emotions, no grief, no anger, no fear, no sadness, no happiness, no joy, no nothing.  I'm not anxious over my parents' deaths or deployment anymore - it is what it is ~ I just deal one moment, one day at a time. I seem to just hover above my life..just watching and observing through glass. I recognize that I have got to get back in the game of my life...I really do...but there seems to be an invisible barrier that I keep bumping into.

I feel ashamed that I'm not taking better care of the life my parents gave to me...the life that my husband and I built together. To waste these days and not live them to their fullest is such an injustice to them! Yet, I feel like a loser when I talk to my husband and he asks what new/what's going on... I say nothings new..nothings going on. Because I get up and walk like a ghost, through the empty halls of my now life every day...there is truly nothing new. I should make something new...I should do so many things that I want to do - have the greatest intentions to do.  I long to have my life back on track and living it...why can't I get "Me" back? I actually miss Myself!

I think I may be stuck between Life and Death...Love and Grief...Living and just Existing.
I hate this!
Where am I?

Dear Deployment....

You Suck! Not just a little bit...but a whole LOT!

You suck!

Because of you:

I am so far away from my Heart!

I sleep and wake up alone! If I sleep at all!

My dog, Jake, looks at me so sad every day because I'm the backup!

I had to pull weeds yesterday & today - and I'm not a "yard" person. Not to mention that I had to cut the back yard and figure out how to trim the bushes in the front yard (which I didn't do yet).

I had lights coming on in the dashboard of the car and I had no fucking idea what to do! (I called my dial-a-husband)

I still eat cereal for dinner most nights

I detest Sunday! It's the longest and loneliest day of my week!

I drink more than I did before! Not  good thing!

I spend more time on the computer - mostly just waiting and watching for my husband!

I have no motivation. For anything. Ever. Ever.

I count hours, days, weeks, months...over  & over again.

You really suck!

I Know..... I Know!

Yes... I KNOW that it's been a while since my last post! (head hanging down in shame). Really, it's been a complete whirlwind since returning from my trip to Cali. The pull of life from work and home intensified this week and I just haven't thought of anything compelling to write about.

Here's a small recap of my trip - there are so many details that I'm going to just highlight a few things. Ready?! Flew in..hug, hug...get some sleep. Wake up (good morning)..what? no coffee maker? That just won't do  - I bought a coffee maker before the sun went down! Took son, B-20 shopping for clothes & shoes, bought son, N-26 clothes, too.

Good night - good morning (Thursday)...ahhhh - coffee!! My Grandson's 2nd Birthday!! Here he is Skyping with his Papa for his birthday....

rush...rush..visit my cousin, Aunt & Uncle (about 35 minutes away)..hug, cry, chat, eat. My little cousin, Hannah made the most wonderful cake for me.

She wasn't there (sad face, here) to see me enjoy her creation - at 6..she did an outstanding job). Then..goodbye, hug, kis, tears...back up the "hill" to grab a Birthday cake for my grandson's 2nd birthday. Cold Stone! Small family gathering..cake....good night.

Friday - wake up..good morning...coffee (ahhhh)..shopping for my grandson's BIG birthday party on Sat.  Made my son, N-26 a cake for his Birthday...Here's the cake I made for him! Small family gathering to celebrate...good night!

Saturday - Good morning ...coffee (yes, please)...rush..rush..get ready for my Grandson's BIG Birthday bash - Hispanic style! I even made a cake!

The activities and time change conflicted A LOT with my Skype-times with Rich. It was so frusrating but couldn't be helped. It was a great trip and I got to spend so much time getting to know our grandson! He's still not all warm and fuzzy with me (we only see him 1-2 times a year), but he wasn't all-out scared of me. It was nice to spend time with my sons and my daughter-in-law. Mel's a lot of fun to be around and I miss her very much!

We were rushed to the airport to drop me off..no time for tears..a quick hug, kiss and goodbye! kind of like ripping the band-aid off. So much better than the long drawn-out goodbye!

That's my vacation re-cap!

Love, Peace & TGIF!

June 7, 1959 ~ Forever!

Mom was beautiful and 16....Dad was 18 and killer handsome! Daddy drove a school bus (not Mom's) and was dating one of Mom's best friends. The story goes that she rode his bus with the intent to catch Dad's eye. At the end of the ride Mom had paid this kid a quarter to give Daddy a note asking him out. Mom came from a large family (there were 5 girls all together and 6 boys), and Dad didn't know who he was going out with when he showed up for the date. It worked out (obviously) because here I am!

I'm sharing the words of my oldest brother ~ he spoke them at Mom & Dad's funeral:

"For 9 1/2 months, Our Mom stood beside our Dad, giving him comfort and the courage he needed to get better. She held his hand, she combed his hair, she brushed his teeth and she rubbed lotion on his arms when they got dry. She did all these things he couldn't do and never had to be asked to do it. Somehow she knew what he needed at the moment. She celebrated Easter, their 50th Anniversary and her birthday by his bedside. During these long 9 1/2 months, our Mom showed everyone how a wife should love her husband.

Our Dad always made our Mom first in everything he did. When he spoke of them, her name came first. Anytime there was a door to be opened, our Dad opened the door and let our Mom walk through first. Our Dad showed us, especially me how a husband should love his wife and respect her. Since our Dad was too weak to open the door December 29th, and God knew how much he loved her, God himself opened the door to Heaven for our Mom. Therefore, as our parents travel to their final resting place, our Mom will always be first.

50 years and 6 months ago, their hearts were joined together to form one heart that would beat as one forever.

56 hours after our Mom passed away, our Dad joined our Mom bringing these two hearts back together to beat as one for eternity."

They were married June 7, 1959. Today would be their 51st wedding anniversary.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss them from the deepest part of my soul.

No, I Didn't Fall Off The Face of the Earth!

Home...such a W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L word!

I did not abandoned my blogging, my Facebook or my emails...I did not fall off the face of the earth for 5 days...nor did I get kidnapped by a tribe of Pygmy! Mexicans maybe..but not Pygmy!
I am now home from a trip to California to see two of my sons, daughter-n-law/friend and my grandson! I have so much to tell! But... It's late and I'm heading to bed. Here's a ditty for you...there's definitely something funny about a Southern "white-girl" from Alabama spending 5 days in Cali amid a large Hispanic population!

Stay tuned for the fun recap!

(P.S.) I have MISSED all of my blogsphere friends and cannot wait to catch up with your blogs!! May take me a few days to get through your posts, but I'll get there!

Love, Peace & a Good Night to You